AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

Absolutely not at the moment.
Can't believe SS would think you are appropriate.

You do not have the appropriate accommodation for your current family situation.
You are pregnant. You have to think of the baby and current children. DNephew will impact on them.
Your relationship will be under some strain with the changes a baby makes. Add in DNephew who is struggling and not likely to be a happy calm child - well your relationship could rocket and collapse.

You can make firm arrangements for your DP and you to be in regular contact with the child. They dont just disappear- you can see them. This child needs consistency - you can't offer that.

Its horribly sad but moving him in then when it doesnt work out, moving out will cause huge damage.

Think very carefully. Please put your own children first. When you take in neglected, damaged children you are taking away from the care you give your own children. My parents were foster carers, and at times it was good, rewarding and we did make a difference. But we were exposed to things that normal, well adjusted kids would not experience. It was very hard at times, police arriving with social workers in the middle of the night, a bed made up for a night or two. Then the child would be moved to a long term placement. We would not have had a child sleep on a sofa or a campbed for months at a time. That is not sustainable!

It sounds like your partner's nephew will need time and specialist help. I would advise your partner to be very honest with SS. Do not lie for him or with him.

I'd be pushing for outside care for now as you are not able to provide the home but you/he want to be involved.

He can't take him to work with him, the child will not be covered by insurance.

Why is he talking about home education, does the child not go to school?

I think you have done the right thing in deciding not to take on the nephew. Hopefully this decision will also make dp realise what a serious responsibility he’s taking in, and make adjustments and preparations accordingly. Think with his head rather than heart. Although the thread centres around nephew, there’s more than one child that has to be considered in this situation, which you have done.

Ahh ok. This is why your DP now thinks it's ok to take him in.

This is vital information OP. I assumed you had only met him in passing.

I still maintain my original opinion that you must not move in together. The fact his dn has spent a month on your sofa - therefore 'lived' with your kids - means your DP figures an extension of this, will all work out.

DP is thinking like the neglected boy he used to be and feels anything he can offer his nephew is better than what the boy has already endured. He feels the boy would be loved, be with family and safe.

Of the LA go to court and get an Interim Care Order that means they share Parental Responsibility and any decisions made for a child should be regulated and to standard. So not sleeping on a sofa on an overcrowded house. Even family members who are long term carers for children need to get approved at panel.

In an emergency there is an element of "this is the family's solution" it's temporary and "we didn't place the child there."

I think it's because he won't be able to manage drop offs and pick ups. So his solution is the damaged child doesn't get to go to school...

This has all the makings of an absolute shitshow.

OP I’m sorry but I’m struggling to think of any scenario where your relationship survives this.

You try to merge houses and nephew joins you - so 6 people in a 2 bed house. Chaos and stress are inevitable. The relationship breaks down probably with a lot of collateral damage to your kids.

You live separately. He is in cuckoo land with no clue how to look after his nephew and the stress and frustration is too much.

He doesn’t take his nephew in and the resentment builds and builds.

Option 2 seems like it had the least fall out.

How would you feel if it was your nephew who is facing going into care?

You'd want to make it work for him, no? Or would you choose you partner and his two kids, and let your nephew go into care. Where unimaginable things can happen to him by older children who have had unimaginable things happen to them.

My husband's auntie was a foster carer until recently when health and age stopped her. It's not all Annie and Tracy Beaker.

No this adds to my decision - it was difficult just for 4 weeks and while the kids were ok short term it was stressful when he was here and there was a fair amount of arguing. It was definitely time for him to go home after the 4 weeks was up. So I can only imagine the strain it will cause if it’s permanent. It’s just not an option

You are sounding quite resolute now OP, and I'm glad to hear it. I'm not minimising how difficult this will be, but at least you have reached a decision

My children are more important to me than his nephew. As I’ve said in my previous posts I’m not advocating for him to go into care but we wouldn’t be living with the DN if he decides to take him

Your partner means well, but his plan is flawed.
Local authorities do not allow children in care to be home schooled.
He need to sit down with a social worker and learn what is expected of him before any of you go any further.

Ah, you're one of the 'I'd do it in a heartbeat/you're utterly heartless if you don't' posse.

Your relatives' experience of fostering ought to tell you that even doing it out of positive choice is really, really hard. Doing it under the circumstances described sounds like a recipe for bringing a very damaged child into a family and creating 3 other very damaged children AND adults.

The sensible thing is that your DP's application is considered by SS on the basis of the two of them living together with whatever schooling solution is being proposed. It will either stand on its merits or not. Being the favourite uncle is a very different proposition to full-time parenting a troubled child on the verge of teens. Not least as presumably his sister will take every opportunity to be present and disruptive. Care might give the nephew the distance he needs but that system is pot luck.

Then you sit tight in your own home, which will be hard with a newborn and hopefully maintain a relationship with your DP. See how it goes, in a year or two if his nephew has settled and you can all be safely accommodated in one home you may choose to live together then. Your baby will never remember a time when they didn't live with their Dad if long term it all works out. If it doesn't that's always how it's been.

Yes clearly he really does. I am going to try and diffuse the situation for now and see where this actually goes. No point making rash decisions without all the information

What is he going to tell SS when they ask about childcare provision?

He can't say he's planning on taking the child to work with him.

I mean, the man is either lying or he's stupid. Anyone can see that he is not an appropriate carer for the child.

And when it all goes to shit and the poor child is taken into care anyway, he's going to be further damaged. He needs consistency in his life, not shunting around from workplace to workplace, left in the van with a window open like a dog.

I had a similar scenario a few years ago in that I was pressurized by family and social services to let my nephew move in after he was removed from his home by police after serious abuse.

Long story short I couldn't allow it because of many reasons, similar to yours - his violence towards my dd of the same age (understandable with what he was going through but I couldn't risk my dd's safety), my DP not wanting it to happen and the risk of the abusive family forcing access. I did feel guilty refusing at the time though.

It's now years' later, nephew went to a foster family with contact and support from his father's side of the family. He's now graduated university and is occasionally in contact with my dd. He seems fine. He no doubt has had a better life than if he'd remained in contact with the abusers.

Your husband could still remain in contact and be part of your nephew's life, even if he went into foster care, just not full time. You sound like you're doing the right thing keeping your children safe.

I see where your coming from but I think it’s quite unfair to say that of my DP. He just wants to do what’s right for his DN but at the same time keep the family together. You can’t really blame him for that.

You'd want to make it work for him, no? Or would you choose you partner and his two kids, and let your nephew go into care.

And what about his own child? You know, the one currently growing in OP’s womb?

Understood. You are making the right decision. I am divorced and at one point had 2 young dds. Nothing, or nobody would ever have made me risk their homelife and sense of security.

As hard as it is, you must stick to your guns here.

I understand that it's not easy but I'm of the attitude that no child in my family should every not be in the family. I'm legally signed up to take on my friend's child if anything were ever to happen to her as she has no family for the same reason.

Are you saying you'd resent the child?! None of this is his fault. He needs a home and he needs a family. Yes it will be different to what you had in mind, yes it will impact on your children but good God, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if this were my husband's nephew who needed to come to us and I said no.

Or you'd resent your husband? For doing the right thing and being a good man?

This is a safe space, you're anonymous and it's ok to share how you actually feel. And maybe it would be better for the boy not to be around someone who potentially wouldn't treat him with the warmth, patience and understanding that he needs at this life changing and traumatic time in his life. It feels like a moment where you can show your true colours and you don't come out of this very well. I know this doesn't sound super kind but you've asked for opinions and that's how I feel about it.

I was asked to take my nephew at one point and I had to say no. He didn't go into care and there was no plan for him to go into care, it was a call from his teacher, who knew me as I had been attending school meetings. He thought nephew would do better with me, but we were just about to have two children placed for adoption. Nephew stayed with his mum.

Anyway, nephew was SO jealous of the children we adopted. Off the scale. He didn't harm them but he started stealing from us big time.

What I would say is, dont underestimate how difficult it is to look after a traumatised child. They are better off imo with trained foster carers than in a home with other priorities.

There is no good situation for your nephew. Your home is too small and you have other children. Your partner has to prioritise you and your child. Don't feel you are the nephew's only decent option. My adopted daughters' older sisters went into foster care and had a wonderful fc who transformed their lives.

I understand that it's not easy but I'm of the attitude that no child in my family should every not be in the family. I'm legally signed up to take on my friend's child if anything were ever to happen to her as she has no family for the same reason

👏

Not all of us are as saintly as you.