AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

I think your partner is underestimating how much work parenting involves especially when a child has extra needs. You said he owns his own business so where does he think he is going to get the extra time to invest in dn because that is what he will need. Who is the bulk of the parenting going to fall on? If it is you with a newborn, then yes it will be difficult and it's not wrong of you to not want to take it on. If your dp has an established business where he is able to get other people to take over the reigns whilst he can support the transition for dn or has a plan in place then fair enough. He needs fp meet his basic needs by providing a safe, stable roof over the child's head, meals, routine, discipline etc. Then there's the stuff like school, homework, appointments having childcare in place for school holidays etc. In addition there is the extra love, reassurance and stable presence this lo will need and even then there is no guarantee the damage already done can be worked through.

I would also want more detail on the child's behaviour issues. What does that involve? Is it low level acting out or is self harm, harm to others an issue? Is school refusal an issue, has he had any counselling?

So many people take an emotional response to it and have stated they wouldn't leave their nephew to go into care but op isn't asking about yours this is a child with behavioural issues. Yes she hasn't said to what extent but she would be an irresponsible mother not to consider the impact on her children. I feel for you op, its such a difficult decision to be in.

Did you even read the OP? OP’s SIL is not some poor woman who has been involved in a tragic accident leaving her unable to care for her son. He’s being removed from her “care” due to serious neglect. And you talk about the OP letting her down?

The lifetime of consequences has already started. The useless mother has created these consequences.

His plan is basically to lie and say that it’ll just be him and DN staying in the house. Which may not actually be a lie anymore.

This is incredibly telling. He actually does know that the situation would be unacceptable - to the DN and to you and the DCs - and SS wouldn't allow it. So it's not just the lie, it's what's behind it.

How is this even a choice? You do not have sufficient space in your current accommodation.

He can't sleep on a sofa for the foreseeable with a screaming newborn next door. Where will he be able to retreat to for some quiet time? Where will he keep his clothes and toys? Where will he get changed? FFS it's a non starter.

Tell your DP he will have to find somewhere else to live with the nephew until either your new house is ready or nephew has somewhere else appropriate to go.

I would honestly rather live alone with my children than entertain this setup with 6 people, one of whom is vulnerable and one is a newborn, in a 2 bed house.

Be prepared once SS realises DP’s hare brained plan is not realistic that he tries to involve you into his plans.
He has no idea that he will have to change his life around to ensure his nephew’s needs come first and deep down he probably feels that you will just fall into line and take on the majority of responsibilities.
I would just explain that you have to do what’s best for your children, just as he wants to do for his nephew.

I wouldn’t have it. Nephew or not.

I mean, your poor DP is just in over his head isn't he? It sounds like he and DN and even his sister are haunted by the legacy of his tragic upbringing.

Sounds like you've decided you won't go along with his unwise and unlikely plan. I think you're making the right call.

If he does choose DN and lives apart (and SS agree... sounding increasingly unlikely) he will be creating a massive rupture with his own child. Even if you're officially still together. You bond by being there. You learn how to care for a baby by actually caring for a baby. How would he be able to spend significant time with baby with DN always in tow?

And he would have no idea of what he'd be walking away from, because he'd never actually experience it.

I think you can warn him that if SS find out he's lied he will compromise their view of him as a safe adult going forward. Gently help him wake up and smell the coffee. So many valid points raised here. You likely won't tackle it in one conversation.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this while pregnant. A pregnant mum deserves to feel she and baby are being prioritised by the father. Yes his care for DN is noble, to a certain extent, but what he's putting you through is not.

And as someone else put it: you will never regret putting your kids first. You're not a bitch. In any case, I think part of being a good mum is being willing to be unyielding if that's what's needed to protect your children.

OK so your updates suggest there will be no need for you or DP to make a big decision around becoming a kinship carer. SS wouldn't allow the scenario he suggests for permanent care, so long as you don't collude with any lies.

I'd watch and wait. Your DP's feeling of responsibility and impulsive attempt to save this little boy seems to be coming from the trauma of his own childhood. If you try to persuade him that he's wrong, he'll probably dig his heels in. Instead, can you focus on drip feeding a broader perspective e.g. approach SS together as concerned family who want some involvement and find out what their current plans are, suggest to DP you'll both pay for him doing a short course on supporting traumatized teens. It will show him what this involves as well as giving useful skills. Even though it's unlikely SS will agree to him taking in DN, I'd still postpone the wedding & moving in to the new house but work really hard to emphasize that this is you putting off something you really want in order to give you all breathing space, not a hostile response to him wanting to look after DN.

OP, what an impossible situation! I'm not sure if anyone has suggested this, but could you maybe try a middle ground - I mean to give your DH time to really appreciate the reality. If your DH genuinely cares for your kids, he should be able to see that it's going to be hard for them too, so you could suggest that it's kinder for all to try a stepped approach. Him living solo with DN but agree to spend weekends together to see how viable you'd be as a family unit. That's a compassionate child centred approach and it usefully takes it off you in terms of being the ogre who says straight out no. I'm guessing it won't take more than a couple of weeks to help your DH understand the reality and that might lead to a more realistic conversation. I hope it works out for you.

He wants to lie to social services and then only home school him for 5 hours a week and take him to work the rest of the week. He doesn’t actually sound responsible enough to be in charge of a child.

I have recently been through something similar and my advice is:

1. https://kinship.org.uk/ - this is a lifeline
2. Have an interim solution. You cannot currently do the final solution, which is all 2 adults and 4 children living in one house with plenty of space. Practically I think this means that you have to keep renting for 6 months to a year and your partner lives with your nephew in the 2 bedroom house for a bit while he gets the extension and a Child Arramgements Order sorted out.
3. Be very, very careful with your council social services. If your partner just 'step ups' and takes him in as a kinship carer, he is unlikely to get any financial help from the council and your nephew won't have Looked After Child status for school places etc. You need them to formally take him into care and then formally ask him/you to take him, so that they are forced to help support him via a Special Guardianship Order. It may actually be beneficial for him to formally go into care for a bit for these reasons, but alos to give you all some breathing space and time to sort everything out.

We had an interim solution where the children lived somehwere else for 8 months which wasn't ideal (with their grandmother) but gave us the time to get our house ready, and so a civil partnership, and sort school places (this is a BATTLE without the looked After Child status he would get from formally being taken into care initially). You/your partner won't get any finacial or emotional support if you are 'just' kinship carers, perhaps £20 per week Guardians Allowance if you are lucky (difficult if parents still alive). If social services take him into care, even for the first few weeks, they will be forced to at least help with bahavioural issues etc and may have to help with costs. We are kinship carers for my 2 nieces, similar age, and get zilch.

Good luck, this is not an easy road. Don't underestimate the emotional toll this takes. The Kinship charity has all the info and resources you will need.

Apologies if it’s already been suggested, but can he not move into the darling newphew and the sister’s house and sort them out?

Mmhmm, of course he will (!)

I’m getting the impression that he didn’t bother to figure out the logistics because he assumed that you’d be there to pick up the actual work of planning for, and caring for, the child.

Don’t be surprised if, when he realizes that you’re serious, he suddenly comes to the realization that maybe it isn’t a good idea after all. If so, it will still be your fault of course, because you should be have been happy to make your life harder in the name of making his life easier.

YANBU.

And I would make it very clear to him, that if he lied to social services, I would be pointing out the truth.

I don’t know how things work with SS, maybe others on here do. Are you expected to put the needs of the looked after child above your own? Eg if they do get married and move into this house and they do get planning permission for bedrooms, would SS expect the nephew to be given a bedroom alone at the expense of the others?

My experience of kinship care is that they don't lok that deeply into it, other than a superficial CAFCASS report to make sure you are vaguely suitable.

This boy is already known to social services though and I think if he is going to be removed from his mpother's care, I think there will be more scrutiny (rightly). My siutation was due to death of the mother (father not in the country). I think this boy will, and should, be formally taken into care of social services and then they will ask/check whether his uncle is able to take him. Vague plans of 5 hours a day home schooling won't cut it and they will be getting him a school place themselves if he has Looked After status, which he surely will?

Unfortunately that kind of “I just couldn’t let this happen 😢😢😢” post - from someone who is almost certainly never going to be in that position - always comes up on threads like these. Saying “I would take him in in a heartbeat” is the easiest thing in the world. The reality of actually having to do it would prove dramatically different.

Completely agree with this. We were in a much better position than OP on paper in the sense that we had been together for many years, our children are older teens and we had a house where there was a bedroom for the children to share and our children could still have their own rooms. It has still been a massive, life-altering thing, took months of preparation, juggling bedrooms, renovating rooms, trying to make room for everyone and all their things, court cases, school place battles. Two years down the line, I would do excatly the same again, but don't underestimate what he is asking OP to do.

I do think there maybe are situations where a child like this traumatised boy might be better off in foster care, at least initially. Or at least just with his uncle for awhile. He needs to be prioritised, and so do the OPs children. Forcing them all into unsuitable, cramped living conditions, without addressing the boy's trauma, compromises all of the children.

It is very easy to say 'in a heart beat' and I agree, and we did say that. But saying that has to be backed up with practical and realistic planning.

That's what they aim to do. I currently have a case where 3 children that are 17, 10 and 8 were abandoned by their mother literally. She moved to a different city with her boyfriend. 17 year old was sofa surfing for a year before she got a place at the YMCA and the two siblings are in different countries in the Uk- 5 hours apart (and 17yo is in another city!). That was the only foster carers that could be found. They promised to let them have contact in person and it's not been arranged in over a year. Nobody has the time or resources. It's very sad.

What is it you actually want OP?

I think @DeedlessIndeed advice is good - but you are also right to limit the stress on your own children. If your DN is very traumatised, it may not work out and end up with him going into care anyway.

If I was in your position, I would approach it in a two stage way - rather than it feeling like an ultimatum for your partner, you both need to frame it as what is best for the children - all of them.

Firstly I would make sure that Children's Services do take him into care, but your partner should agree to take DN in as a Kinship Carer - do not accept the solution to be a privately arranged Special Guardianship Order which is what they may push for.

By DN being formally placed in care - even with your partner, you get access to a multitude of support that would not be available under a private SGO including foster care payments and support, breaks, possibly things like reduced council tax, free access to leisure services etc depending on the foster carer offer in your LA. You may even be able to get some support around the renovation - children's services can help unblock any issues with planning and there may also be access to grants to help with the extension if cost is a factor in the speed at which it can be done.

Your DNs school would also get pupil premium for him if they don't already which may help fund additional support for him through school. You can also push more easily for trauma counselling (depending on local policies and availability).

By being taken formally into care rather than a private SGO, it also gives you all a period to see if things settle down. If they don't, it will be much easier to ask children's services to find another placement than it would if it is private SGO.

In terms of the two of you, I would frame the situation as a temporary one - you live separately to give DN a chance to settle - it will be traumatic for him, on top of his existing trauma and his behaviour will be up and down for a while. It will be much better for him to have some undivided positive attention for a while.

You can always spend weekends together which will give you all a chance to see how things are starting to settle.

As your DN settles down, you can start to increase the amount of time you all spend living together until you get to the point where hopefully it can all become permanent.

Doing it this way will allow you all to see whether things are going to work out and if your partner can't meet DNs needs, it will be less traumatic for him to go into another care placement if he has only been living with you partner than it would if he was moved from living with the whole family which would make him feel much more rejected. It would also be less traumatic for your children.

If it does work out, it can be a slow introduction both for DN and your children, where expectations can be addressed on all sides and give you chance to sort the rennovations out

He will likely need support for years - but at 10, there is a very good chance that on a day to day basis, with a lot of love and security, that the worst behaviours can be addressed relatively quickly.

It may take some doing, but there is a middle ground which means that you both have the chance to change the life of a little boy for the best, without it having to negatively affect your children - it will just take some compromise and sacrifices on both sides for a little while.

There is no scenario that I want. This is a lesser of 2 evils situation now.

I agree. See also people who say, ‘I can’t drive and have never owned a car but I could never leave a colleague waiting at a bus stop/see them walking home in the snow/not take the children of CF back to mine after school when they can’t be arsed to pay childcare’.

It’s easy to throw emotional, ‘I could nevers’ around when it doesn’t affect you in the slightest.

So he wouldn't even be looking at working around what is best for his nephew, just slotting him in to his life?

I think he does believe he’s doing what’s best. DP spent a lot of time with his Dad around the same age doing the same thing they will be doing and they are his happiest memories

Of course the majority of people in DP’s position would want to take over the care of his N! It’s a lot more complex than want though as it’s all about the needs of the child. You need to be able to drop them off, pick from school, be home with them after and in the holidays. Take them to all appointments and go to any meetings with SS. You have to be able to provide love, care and stability and also be capable of dealing with the aftermath of neglect etc because the child will feel it was all their fault.