AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

I would insist that your partner make Social care aware that he is expecting baby! Thins is bonkers. Even you contact Social Care to make them aware - the onus of Safeguarding of the baby is on you and him. That can play big part down the line.

He says he will take him to work with him and have him home schooled 5 hrs a week

SS will definitely visit to see the house to ascertain their os space for him and that you are both on board. There is no way he will be able to hide that fact that his pregnant partner plus two other children are also living there. If DN goes into foster care he will get the support he needs and your DP will be able to maintain a relationship with him.

Oh, you would personally alter reality and make an unworkable situation with an aggressive, traumatised child just magically work? Amazing.

I guess you would clone yourself so there was enough of you to go around, buy a house big enough for everyone to have their own room and fix the nephew's behavioural issues with a wave of a magic wand, thus ensuring your own children were living in a stable, safe environment. You could also magic up a nanny to help with the extra work involved in step parenting the nephew and wave that wand again so the fiance actually understands the huge thing he is asking and is respectful of OPs desire to keep her own children safe.

In fact, if you just changed absolutely everything about the scenario you could definitely make it work.

Or we can stick with reality where the OP doesn't want to be forced to look after an aggressive, traumatised child along with her own three children in a too small house with a clueless fiance - and she can just prioritise her own children and live separately, while he looks after his nephew - since that's the only actually workable solution for her children's well being and safety.

Oh, for the love of God.

I think that's a tough but wise choice and I don't think you'll ever really regret putting your kids first here.

I do wonder how long his plan of taking a 10 year old to his workplace and home school 5 hours a week would have lasted. That sounds wildly unrealistic and unsustainable and you likely would end up being the defacto caregiver.

The fact he is planning to lie is a huge red flag. I absolutely empathise woth him feeling desperate to rescue his nephew but if he shows even a whiff of trying to actually do thst then you have huge problems for your own baby and how he will parent and what he is capable of hiding if you were to split.

Oh, for the love of God.

Oh, for the love of God.

Yeah that anit going to fly with ss either

And when and how will he parent his own child?

Sorry for the triple post, it was some sort of site glitch.

@Flossyrocks I think that you parenting separately is the best answer for the moment. A traumatised 10 year old is not going to be for the faint hearted and having a decent role model in your DH stepping up could make a huge difference for him. I think giving it a year and seeing what happens with contact between all of you could get this to a place where trust was formed, boundaries were set and integration might become possible but it is really a might situation. I feel for you, it is an awful situation all around.

Going into care is not the worst thing in the world. Your nephew might be better off with the right foster family who can give him space and time.

He won’t be allowed to take him to work, surely? Professional/business insurance would be invalidated and the child and any clients would be at risk if anything happened? This is an utterly reckless decision. As is his idea of homeschooling for 5hours a week. I also did that for a year - to ‘home educate’ you have to evidence that you are providing a sufficient and adequate education, and since Lab came in there is a drive to ensure vulnerable kids are NOT removed from state provision. I also think this would be a non-starter for social services.

Honestly, if your DP will not look at this logically and speak to SS to explore options sensibly, then I’d be putting my relationship with him on hold. It is very unlikely they will allow him to take him with no room of his own available or a proper care plan in place. He is responding with his heart and all emotion and no common sense or consideration for you and your children. This cannot work.

Well, it's what we are all thinking!

He needs to get real OP, this hair-brained plan is too little too late. The LA aren't going to be impressed by him neglecting his own child for the sake of a nephew he didn't see for a year. I think this is guilt and panic talking, plus previous childhood experiences and ideas about "family". But foster care would be preferable, and the LA might not even gain removal anyway.

Your DP should not lie in court. The courts will ask for a proper assessment of the living arrangements before signing anything off. Sofas? Homeschooling? Right…

If the boy goes into care, there is every chance your DP could have contact if he asks to be assessed. When I fostered, I looked after a young girl who even allowed to go on holiday with her extended family members.

You are between a rock and a hard place but like you I would live separately rather than risk my children’s health and well being.
It would be a major stress for you too.
Don’t be guilt tripped into going ahead with this - let your head rule your heart.

Just adding in here that my son in law and daughter had to take emergency custody of his son in - they had no bedroom for him and he had to sleep on the sofa, SS weren't remotely bothered as long as he had a roof over his head.

Yes this happened before with DN and I did have him on my sofa for 4 weeks about 2/3 months ago while mum had a chance to get her self together (which obviously failed). SS weren’t bothered at all but we all knew it was temporary, it sounds like it’s different if it’s not emergency and permanent

Gawd - it's far, far worse than I imagined. What could possibly go wrong...

I can see why your partner is keen. Firstly, there's not an overabundance of foster places for traumatised 10yo boys with behavioural issues. And secondly, there's perhaps a bit of "hero complex" going on here. Your DP gets to swoop in and save the day. Then thirdly, he probably does feel a duty of care towards his blood nephew - I think most people in that situation would.

BUT, he can still be an important and active player in the child's life, and NOT have him move in.

he needs to be careful that if he takes the child without it going through various means, he might lose out on payments.

I suspect this will be too much for him alone and would almost certainly be too much for you with theee kids. Find somewhere else to rent for you and your kids, postpone the wedding and let him crack on.

'They' won't care if he and OP are separated, as long as they can avoid nephew going into care.
They don't want to pay for the child to be in care if at all possible to avoid.

For the court to place the child with your partner there would need to be a ‘viability assessment’ which would include interviews and home visits.

It seems v unlikely that he would pass. The fact that no such assessment has been undertaken with care proceedings imminent makes it increasingly unlikely the child will be placed with your partner.

I think you are taking a very unlikely scenario and allowing it to cause unnecessary anxiety.