AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

Indeed. From what the OP has said about her DP's astonishingly naive expectations of how things will be if the nephew moves in, he's one of those blokes who has utterly no idea about how hard raising children is and almost certainly believes the boy will miraculously transform into a child with no issues from his clearly chaotic upbringing.

I think you can still offer support to this child without taking them in. They don't take kids into care and let them lose touch with wider family these days

My mind is really made up. If DP feels he needs to take DN in then I support his decision 100%, but we can’t live together.

Even when the loft is converted there won’t be enough room for all of them all. If OP moved in then her two would be sharing a room and when baby gets older he would have to share with his two older sibling as nephew would have to have a room of his own.
I have a friend who went through similar circumstances, her niece had been neglected and SA, her and her DH took her in and niece acted out the abuse onto her children. She and her DH eventually split up because the stress was too much for them.

OP - have you discussed staying together but living apart if he wants to go ahead with this? And if so, what was his reaction?

Good call. It’s the right decision. Wishing you all the very best, for all concerned.

@Janey90 yes, not an option for him, he is still completely in denial and thinks everything is going to be ok.

This is awful and definitely a factor in this - while I don’t think he’s been SA, he knows details about things that have happened to his mum which he shouldn’t. So horribly inappropriate

I think it’s the best decision, your DP can’t turn his back on his nephew and you have to put your DC first.

I’m glad you are thinking this way - safeguarding first.

I was in a similar situation as a young teenager. The potential adoptive siblings (primary age) came for a trial weekend stay and what I saw and heard still haunts me.

Even if you’re his ex they are going to want to speak with you. Since you are pregnant with his baby.

Thats another dependent on him. Then they will ask why you are separated / not living together.

They will then see he cannot prioritise his own baby and if you are honest see his choices with you where be overcrowded and together with nephew or separate fully not even just separate homes. It will show that he cannot make rational choices and is also willing to basically discard children, yours the ones he has been living with so easily who don’t have a neglectful background and poor behaviour.

He is well and truely head in the sand. Rainbows and unicorns

In that case OP, if you've put your cards on the table with your DP, and told him that it really won't work (and you've suggested staying together but living apart) then what happens next rests with your DP. Although I still don't think the process will be as simple as some posters suggest.

There's only really one consideration: whst is best for your 3 children? Not you, your DP, Nephew.

That's your answer.

Anything else is a compromise for them.

You can tie yourself in knots as much as you like but ultimately they need to come first. IMO, your 2 kids have already gone through not having a dad living with them, moving a new man in, having a baby on the way, maybe moving house? IMO adding another new child is just yet more instability and less attention for them and its not in their best interest.

How impractical you are. 4 Children in a 2 bedroom house?

Only slightly worse than 3 children and two adults.

I really feel for you ALL. I would suggest doing everything you can to slow this down so that everyone's needs are considered fully and being as open as possible with SS. Supporting his lie to SS would not be in his DN's interests & I think this should be a line in the sand for you.

Can you postpone the wedding and find another temporary rental for you and your DCs whilst showing him that, even though you have to prioritise your children's welfare, you want to support him through such an enormous decision as a caring partner, whether or not you live together. There may be other ways of him being a constant in this boys life. Would SS agree to some kind of shared kinship/foster care i.e. regular weekends for the boy with your DP at his house at least while he learns to parent? What's the availability of foster care in your area? Is there a decent SW involved with whom he could brainstorm possibilities?

He has never parented before and may feel differently once your baby arrives. He may find it harder to parent this boy than he thinks. Whilst I wouldn't wish too many changes on the DN after already having so much disruption it's probably better to plan temporary care whilst a longer term plan is sorted than jump into an unworkable LT plan. I do wonder how your DP's relationship with a difficult teen would survive your DP also feeling resentful that he gave up your relationship for the boy. A good SW could more objectively look at his feeling of compulsion to 'save' the boy though he would need to trust SS and be open with them (& cross his fingers he gets one of the more competent SWs!).

Of course there are many people who suffered in care but I know a couple of adults who feel that going into good foster care turned their lives around for good. Having a constant in a child's life who can advocate for them, see them regularly & keep an eye on the quality of care can make a difference.

Whether he cares for the boy on his own has to be your DP's decision, but perhaps you can encourage him to step back, slow down and look at all possibilities. It's probably not a case of either full time care with you all living together or the boy growing up in a care home. He will be a better uncle if he does this thinking first before jumping in as the white knight. He does sound like a good man though and a keeper.

I understand your reasoning and reluctance but the poor kid needs his family to look after him. I don’t think you’ll forgive yourself if he goes into care.

Its the boy's parents who let him down, not the OP.

Her DP was going to lie to SS and make out his house was for nephew and himself only.

Is this a temporary thing or permanently?
your DH could potentially temporarily move into his sisters house if closeby while she sorts herself out, if she’s willing to do so. Rather than you breaking up and selling house

I'm sorry. What a hard situation. I think it would be better for a child to be in care with a family member available to be a consistent relationship, advocate for him and perhaps have him for some overnight stays? Rather than moving in with you all, it likely breaking down and then him having a further rejection. Perhaps it maybe possible later, but it doesn't sound reasonable for any of you in this moment?

I have a family members child. You go through formal assessments. If he didn't have his own room you wouldn't make it through the assessments especially if there's over crowding. They only allow siblings to share. We had to move house to be allowed but obviously all local authorities are different. They also generally like them to go somewhere where big changes aren't about to happen. A new home, baby on the way, no space. You likely wouldn't even be assessed. You don't need to tell your partner you're not on board. Wait for social to get in touch then tell them your family situation. Then am sure they'd say no anyway. It's not just about space either it's a lot of stress. Court cases, child assessments etc. Child will be traumatised and adjusting. Also if the mum is told contact 6x a year how will you keep her away from your house and all of you safe?
We had to move 7 hours away from our home town and now keep our address secret from entire family. We had no idea it would get this bad. We thought we were stepping in temporarily whilst the parents sorted themselves out. Been 7 years now.

The clear advice has been - separate from him, let him prioritise his nephew and let OP prioritise her own children. As she should.

So say DP does take DN in, and you therefore live separate from him.

If DP works full time who will do the school runs/medical appointments/sickness, and look after him in the holidays?

Was he planning for you to do the care at home/mum role?

How is he going to realistically be a full time single parent to a troubled child while also working full time?

Your responsibility is to your children, taking in his nephew will have a negative impact on their lives and yours.

Don't feel guilty for saying no. It is not your responsibility.

So there will be five of you in a two bed house? You haven’t really thought this through have you? Sounds like something from Eastenders. The poor kid.