AIBU to stop singing around my family after their comments?

[Situationallystuck]

I usually sing when I'm happy. Little ditties and bits of tunes, sometimes a full on song. My voice isn't x-factor winning, but it isn't unpleasant. I was in a select choir when I was younger so I know I can carry a tune. I don't make a big deal about singing, and don't try and take centre stage with it at all, more like I'll sing along to a song on the radio or join in with singing at church etc.
Recently on holiday with my husband and teen children, my eldest said that they don't like it when I sing. I understood this to mean in public, which I get, teens don't want their mum attracting attention. I acknowledged this, but then it turned into a session where my husband said he thinks my voice is terrible and I should never sing. That it's horrible when I do. The teens nodded along. I was really hurt. But I figured maybe they got caught up in the situation, later I asked my husband if it was really that terrible when I sing and he told me that my singing should be best kept for when I was alone.
So, today, I didn't sing at all. They all keep asking me if I'm alright because they can tell something is different, but I haven't said a word about the singing and neither have they.
I feel like either the biggest fool in the world for inflicting my singing on the people around me or an absolute arrogant sod for thinking my voice was not unpleasant. I don't want to be a fool or an arrogant sod, so I've decided not to sing again.
I reckon the first time they will properly notice is when my husband has his birthday next month.
I guess my question is, would I be unreasonable to never sing to/with them again, even though I know they will be sad or hurt that I'm not singing happy birthday? They would obviously prefer for me not to sing at any other time.

While I understand your point, the OP said she has been with her DH for 20 years and he has never mentioned this before. Maybe if he had said early on that he’s the kind of person that can’t stand someone singing in anything other than Whitney-Houston-esque perfection, she wouldn’t have married him?

I find it painful when my family sing around the house ,its like noise pollution to me,it hursts my ears and gives me a headache.I love peace and quiet. I don't though tell them i think their singing voices are awful though ! (one is) The worst for me is my adult son whistles when he's happy and it pierces through me. I say nothing and either move out of earshot or sometimes put noise cancelling headphones on. They have the right to express happiness in their home.
Some people are sensitive to noise and some love to make sound,we have to find a way to live together.
Could you say express that you are upset they don't appreciate your singing as you enjoy it and it expresses your happiness .
My whistling son bought me some earphones for christmas !

What 😮
You sing your wee heart out op, obviously not in public (even if you can hold a tune 😂)
I cannot sing but I do, all the time. I make up songs to/ about my 7yr old and she loves it. My dp rolls his eyes but smiles because he knows I'm in a happy mood
Your teens being annoyed is par for the course but your dh is a miserable twat

Well, it's difficult to say. Depends on your voice, frequency, volume. It might be perfectly fine, and your family are being dickheads, or other way round. But I get a whiff of pass-agg martyrdom in your OP, so I wonder, did they really say you're 'horrible', 'terrible', and should stop singing altogether forever. Or something much more benign, which you embellished here for dramatic effect.

It's just that I have a 'silent victim' passive-aggressive martyr of a family member. She doesn't sing, but she'd do exactly as you say in this situation. When the 'happy birthday' time would come, she'd sit in the corner, silent and tearful, with a sad expression, not singing and carefully looking around to see whether anyone was paying attention to her endless suffering. No one would, probably wouldn't even notice. Then she'd get even more sad and/or pissed off and might storm off in a huff, calling us heartless dickheads for failing to notice her imaginary bullshit.

Don't do this. Want to have it out - have it out, say they hurt you, say they're being mean, say whatever. Talk to them, listen to their points of view, and present your own. Maybe you're a horrible singer. Maybe you sing too often, and it's sometimes distracting. Or maybe it's a 'them' problem.

I thought I could sing a bit but am actually tone deaf. I still give it a go at church etc and home alone, in the car.

But my family aren't shy in telling me I can't sing. I'm not upset by it as I do other things well, just not singing.

And everyone can sing happy birthday so don't worry about it.

If i was presented with a birthday cake and nobody sung happy birthday, I would be gutted

I'm sure OP's husband (who is a good and loving man according to OP) has been trying, gently, to tell her for 20 years and she hasn't been listening, or thinks "just being herself" is more important than consideration for her family.

He is now at the end of his rag with it, possibly because OP is getting louder or more persistent, or maybe because he is aware that it is affecting their sons.

It doesn't matter if OP sounds more like Joan Sutherland than Florence Foster Jenkins, her singing is annoying her family and she needs to take notice of that.

The birthday cake would do for me, although a few cards and presents would be nice too.

I don't mind people singing "Happy Birthday", but I'm perfectly happy if they don't.

You need to speak to dh about how much this has hurt you. Don’t let it fester more. It would be petty to not sing happy birthday, that’s not what they meant. Not everyone is capable of holding a tune (I’m atrocious and proud) but everyone joins in with happy birthday!

Perhaps record yourself and see how you sound nowadays? Just to see for yourself.

maybe it’s a case of the family just wanting less noise, not specifically your singing. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and frustrated at the amount of noise in my family home and just want a bit of quiet to just be.

A few people have mentioned that this may be a form of vocal stimming. I would be surprised if this is the case because she has spent a whole day not singing. My Dad used to stim and it wasn’t a thing he could choose not to do (it used to drive my Mum mad).

Taking the OP at her word, she sings when she is happy. She likes to sing along with the radio and to join in with the singing at church. It is a bit of a leap to go from this to the sort of endless noise making that some posters say they experience from other people.

I imagine it’s not the singing as such, it’s the intrusive noise. I like periods of silence to unwind, DH needs constant noise so even if he hasn’t got his headphones, Alexa or TV on he’s humming, singing, whistling or chatting away about random things. It is bloody irritating to be fair and at worst, really intrusive and occasionally detrimental to my MH as I need the quiet. I take myself out of the situation when I can (thank god for dog and hobby) rather than constantly ask him to shut up, but not everyone has this option. An ex was similar, had been a professional singer/ songwriter briefly but still drove me mad with his incessant strumming and singing. Again, I respected he needed to do his thing but I needed quiet too and we clashed.

Why not join a choir? I expect that you do have a god voice, just your family don’t want to be forced to be your audience in their own home. That way you get to sing properly and enjoy yourself and the rest of the family gets to chose if they want to come and hear you sing.

As an aside, DD and I used to sing along to songs when she lived at home and once (younger) DS was on the verge of tears when he asked us to stop, he hated it so much 😆.

Please do not do this. Singing is good for your soul. Teach your kids that it doesn't matter. Tell your family to piss off. I'm serious, tell them clearly that they are selfish and unkind to try to stop you doing something you enjoy. You're not entering X Factor.

My nasty father put down my singing when I was a teenager. He humiliated me and made me terrified to sing in public. I didn't sing so much as happy birthday in company for over three decades. Even the thought of it would turn me into a panicked tearful mess.

I would listen on enviously when other people would break into song - I'd even feel more jealous of the ones who were flat but didn't care.

I now have a husband and children who adore me and don't seem to find my out of tune singing offensive, perhaps even charming. I won't be wrestling for the mic at karaoke anytime soon but I no longer run out of the room when the birthday cake and candles appear.

Well obviously the presents would be the most important thing 😂
I think it would be a bit weird to have a cake with candles presented to you in silence though

My dad used to sing and hum and whistle as he pottered about. I grew up with it and I loved it.
I sing a lot when I'm alone.
If I sing when other people are about it's almost a stim - I do it when I'm nervous.

OP, sing as much as you like. Sod them. Life's too damn short anyway.

Is the world actually divided into two groups?! The “sing your heart out sod them’crowd and the stfu I would like some peace camp. Maybe which you are should be established at the dating stage and decisions taken accordingly?

Dh made it clear from the start singing and humming annoys him so I sing in my head. I also tell him if what he does is annoying so he does not do it.

This would drive me crazy. It can be intensely irritating, and also the people around you probably don’t share your musical taste.
And, in my experience, people who do this generally overestimate their vocal ability.

I don’t think you can compare a lady who loves to sing with Huw Edwards. She’s not harming anyone with her voice.

Maybe a need to modify behaviour on holiday but not in her own home.

I think it's your sulky, passive aggressive, childish behaviour that is making them wonder if you're alright tbh. I don't think they're going to be gutted if you don't sing happy birthday either unless they're 5 years old or something. Honestly.

You should tell them that what they said hurt you. Be honest that you've stopped singing because of what they said. They need to know that.

I know that I'm not the world's best singer but I enjoy it, I'm in a choir and I'll sing in the car. I have a family member who whistles little tunes all the time and I love it. It's whimsical, it's joyful, it's silly and we need more of all that in our lives.

She’s not harming anyone with her voice.

Obviously she is. Unwanted noise can be very distressing, especially if it is persistent.

It is evident from OP's post and this thread that a lot of people don't like random singing, so it's reasonable to take account of that and not be surprised or hurt when her family snap and tell it like it is. It sounds like they put up with a lot before finally snapping.

Further, she is now punishing them with passive-agressive behaviour, causing them to question what is wrong with her.

The thing about not singing "Happy Birthday" to her husband is further evidence that - rather than taking on board the fact that they don't enjoy listening to her singing - she wants to punish her family rather than be considerate of their feelings.

Maybe a need to modify behaviour on holiday but not in her own home.

I agree, but only for people who live alone.

OP doesn't live alone. Her husband and sons have the right to live comfortably and enjoy their home too. When you live with other people you have to be considerate if you want to live in harmony. OP seems to think only what she wants is important.

Sounds like she is harming the MH of her family members, its utterly infuriating when people just wont shut up, like mental overload.

I don't think your voice is the problem here.

Funnily enough my ex (who actually was an awful singer) said almost exactly the same thing to me many years ago. I silenced myself for a week or two but I love to sing and carried on after that. Years later, he admitted he'd only said it to be nasty. He's an ex now, but all the years in which he criticised and silenced me in other ways definitely taught our kids that it was OK to belittle me.

You say he's loving and supportive in other ways, but I would think about the effect on your children of hearing their father criticise their mother and get away with it. I think clearly stating (to all) how unimpressed you are with what he said would be better than just slinking off never to sing again.

Mine too, it drives me nuts. It’s snatches of songs, tv theme songs. I think he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it because he’s always surprised at being told to shut up. He does have quite a nice voice - can hold a tune and I’ve suggested he joins the village choir but he won’t.
OP, do you know just how much singing out loud you actually do? It may not be the quality of your voice as such, but more that it seems incessant to people around you.
You would be VBU to refuse to sing happy birthday though (unless you’re particularly loud and trilling, in which case STFU 😂).

I sing a lot, indoors, but I’m realistic enough to know that my singing could clear a room. 😂😂

Could he feel threatened? I wouldn't worry about the kids because they generally think their parents are rubbish at everything.

I'm not a bad singer either - maybe similar to you (even have a few YouTube videos!). My exH never complimented me but just one time he blurted out "God you're such a good singer!". Just that one time in 18 years. I was amazed because he never complimented me on anything except my looks. After that, he took back the compliment and said that I was ok but kind of like an X factor contestant before they'd had any training. Maybe he's just an arsehole like my exH.