AIBU to stop singing around my family after their comments?

[Situationallystuck]

I usually sing when I'm happy. Little ditties and bits of tunes, sometimes a full on song. My voice isn't x-factor winning, but it isn't unpleasant. I was in a select choir when I was younger so I know I can carry a tune. I don't make a big deal about singing, and don't try and take centre stage with it at all, more like I'll sing along to a song on the radio or join in with singing at church etc.
Recently on holiday with my husband and teen children, my eldest said that they don't like it when I sing. I understood this to mean in public, which I get, teens don't want their mum attracting attention. I acknowledged this, but then it turned into a session where my husband said he thinks my voice is terrible and I should never sing. That it's horrible when I do. The teens nodded along. I was really hurt. But I figured maybe they got caught up in the situation, later I asked my husband if it was really that terrible when I sing and he told me that my singing should be best kept for when I was alone.
So, today, I didn't sing at all. They all keep asking me if I'm alright because they can tell something is different, but I haven't said a word about the singing and neither have they.
I feel like either the biggest fool in the world for inflicting my singing on the people around me or an absolute arrogant sod for thinking my voice was not unpleasant. I don't want to be a fool or an arrogant sod, so I've decided not to sing again.
I reckon the first time they will properly notice is when my husband has his birthday next month.
I guess my question is, would I be unreasonable to never sing to/with them again, even though I know they will be sad or hurt that I'm not singing happy birthday? They would obviously prefer for me not to sing at any other time.

Wow. What a way to be considerate towards your family.

And if the OPs husband was into drumming but the OP said she didn't like it? You would tell her husband to keep drumming even more and louder would you?

No, thought not.

It would drive me nuts, but he could have been much kinder about it

I agree with previous poster who said it’s who you are. I do it myself and I love being around other people who bring song into the world.

Thankfully I don’t live with anyone who sees fit to silence me.

Surely if your kids have grown up with your singing, it’s all they’ve known, so you’d think they’d be concerned if you stopped. They haven’t criticised you when you were home alone with them.

They have raised the issue on holiday and in earshot of other people. Kids can be extra sensitive about appearances, fitting in and hyper critical and your husband has jumped on the bandwagon.

I've not read it all
But you may have a lovely voice and the family just don't want to hear it. One of my kids has some fixation against anyone singing IRL but doesn't mind it on the radio. Can't bear to hear anyone burst into song which a few of my side are prone to do, and it drives my kid mad.

Nothing to do with the loveliness of your singing voice!

My next door neighbour sings quite loudly with her door/windows open. Although her voice is good, there is something about the timbre of it that triggers a real gut annoyance reaction, even a slight nausea! I know, it’s weird. There’s nothing much I can do other than close windows, she’s entitled to sing in her own house.

Between that and my other neighbours who seem to spend their time clanking cutlery and crockery (which triggers my son’s misophonia) we close the windows a lot.

Exactly - my sensory issues mean it drives me up the wall but I try and manage that myself or distract the family member doing it - not tell them off for singing or humming when happy.

Though been a few times when I have asked them to stop in that moment because I need to concentrate and can't be somewhere else - never they can't do it at all - and they can still get huffy.

I think not singing at birthdays unless you do it subtly is just going to come over as petty - and you'd be better of telling them they've upset you a lot.

I listen to music when I do the washing up or unload the dishwasher. If the OP finds singing while doing domestic tasks makes them less dull, is that really so dreadful? Imagine begrudging her that.

It is my considered opinion that you should continue singing. Do you have a decent singing teacher nearby who might be able to help you with some technique?

... And do you tell them to stop talking?

Well like fuck I'd stop singing in my own home because my bratty teen told me to!
OP from now on, I'd be brutally honest with DH and your teens about all the annoying things they do. I'm sure the list is long.

Singing is really therapeutic for the singer, and is really good for children too.
OP, in your situation I would join a choir, go out as much as possible and delegate as many tasks as possible to your family members.

I wouldn't begrudge her it, just saying I can see how it can be annoying to those around if she's singing loud enough for everyone in the house to hear.

My dad has a habit of putting on headphones and singing loudly whenever he's doing any kind of DIY and it's properly annoying - there's just no need to it to be so loud.

I know that I seem rather strident about this. It’s mainly because, while singing is an expression of joy, it also prolongs the joy. Being told not to sing in front of people tells the OP to snuff out the joy she feels. I could imagine thinking, if I were the OP, that I could have joy in my heart … but only if my husband and children weren’t there.

What's it got to do with "who you are"?

What if Huw Edwards excused his paedo behaviour with "it's who I am", would that make it OK?

If "who you are" is pissing off the people you live with, you need to adapt your behaviour or end up lonely.

In real life you often have to adapt "who you are" if "who you are" negatively impacts the people you care about.

If no one ever modified their "it's who I am" instincts, life would be considerably more difficult for everyone.

Sing like no-one is listening.

You’re being really passive aggressive.

If you want to guilt-trip your family on their birthdays, take the opportunity to punish them and make them feel bad on their special day, go right ahead. It still won’t make them like your singing.

If on the other hand you would like an apology, just tell them how you feel. Let them know that you will listen to them and stop the singing, but that you would appreciate an apology for their unkind words about it.

Then move on.

Singing ‘happy birthday’ together with others should be fine. Otherwise, not.
(There is a reason why they asked you to stop.)

If you want to guilt-trip your family on their birthdays, take the opportunity to punish them and make them feel bad on their special day, go right ahead. It still won’t make them like your singing.

I genuinely don't know a single person who would be gutted about not having someone sing Happy Birthday to them 😆

Oh gosh I'd be gutted. I hum and sing often usually when I'm cooking, cleaning, driving etc (maybe not so much in public maybe when I'm doing an arty hobby) my voice Is terrible but my dh never moans in fact he is just as bad as me and also sings along. Most people in my family are the same too. Always a car sing along with my mum and brother when we lived together. I don't care if they are bad singers they are just being happy!

I listen to music when I do the washing up or unload the dishwasher. If the OP finds singing while doing domestic tasks makes them less dull, is that really so dreadful? Imagine begrudging her that.

With MIL it when everyone is sat listening to TV in a room - she start humming in increasing volume - or when we waiting for a meal she'll be singing and tapping out a rhythm on the table when everyone else is talking quietly- or your trying to do something complicated and she'll stand over your shoulder singing ever louder or when listening to an annoucement and she starts a conversation at same time. It's just who she is but I find it very annoyoing at times - other times it washed over me but I'd never be rude about it.

If it's been complained about when they are out the house - it's probably not going to be singing along with chores or just singing with radio.

My youngest was happy to sing along with a song in pub together when out for a meal - but it wasn't when everyone else was mid conversation or listening to the TV the song was the focus. So it wasn't as jarring as MIL often does it - I wonder if OP is doing vocal stimming and it's out of context to what everyone else is experinceing.

It's not nice to be made to feel self concious - but unless OP family are really nasty it's probably worse than many seem to be thinking.

I’m guessing that user watches those videos online of an opera singer ordering in their singing voice at fast food chains and thinks it’s cute.

If I was a worker I’d want to headbutt them (and I say this as someone who will run to Glyndebourne at any opportunity).

My house mate used to sing, she was a professional , I still didn't like it.

Yes. Quite apart from anything else, a voice trained to the astonishing feat of being clearly audible, unamplified, in every seat of a big theatre, over a full orchestra, has no place being used at close quarters. It’s like having a fifteen-gun salute or a fighter jet engine unleashed at close quarters.

Not everyone sings out of joy. We have a coworker who sings/hums when she’s annoyed, I presume as her way to calm her mood. Another one who sings wildly off key when she wants to piss off someone.

Whether you sing for joy, coping, pettiness or whatever it may be, it’s not unreasonable to be expected to rein it in if it’s constant. I highly doubt OP’s family as an issue with her singing while doing the dishes, it is probably a much more prolonged situation.

I wonder how often they've hinted that it's annoying them?
I remember trying to hint to dm that something she did I found embarrassing. Everything was met with a "well I'll just change this little aspect that makes no difference". Eventually in exasperation I told her that I really didn't like it, and she then went hurt.

I had done my best to try and do it tactfully but she wouldn't or couldn't meet me part way.

This is what this sounds like to me. That they have tried various more tactful ways of saying please be quiet, but never had any result, which has meant an explosion and more than they meant being said.

It's something where compromise needs to be done. Singing, even the nicest, is effecting others. My dd can sing 16 hours a day. We have compromised. She has times when she can sing, times when she can't and times when she'll check first.
She'll also make the most of being alone and sing loudly then.

Just knowing that there are limits makes it less irritating, even to siblings!

I sing a lot, I have a terrible voice but DP says it’s adorable because he loves me and knows that I am happy. DC say they can’t stand my voice and tell me to stop singing, but I tell them I put up with their quirks and they need to put up with mine. DP backs me up. In your instance, I would be hurt by DP’s comments, especially after so many years.

Edit: typo