AIBU to stop singing around my family after their comments?

[Situationallystuck]

I usually sing when I'm happy. Little ditties and bits of tunes, sometimes a full on song. My voice isn't x-factor winning, but it isn't unpleasant. I was in a select choir when I was younger so I know I can carry a tune. I don't make a big deal about singing, and don't try and take centre stage with it at all, more like I'll sing along to a song on the radio or join in with singing at church etc.
Recently on holiday with my husband and teen children, my eldest said that they don't like it when I sing. I understood this to mean in public, which I get, teens don't want their mum attracting attention. I acknowledged this, but then it turned into a session where my husband said he thinks my voice is terrible and I should never sing. That it's horrible when I do. The teens nodded along. I was really hurt. But I figured maybe they got caught up in the situation, later I asked my husband if it was really that terrible when I sing and he told me that my singing should be best kept for when I was alone.
So, today, I didn't sing at all. They all keep asking me if I'm alright because they can tell something is different, but I haven't said a word about the singing and neither have they.
I feel like either the biggest fool in the world for inflicting my singing on the people around me or an absolute arrogant sod for thinking my voice was not unpleasant. I don't want to be a fool or an arrogant sod, so I've decided not to sing again.
I reckon the first time they will properly notice is when my husband has his birthday next month.
I guess my question is, would I be unreasonable to never sing to/with them again, even though I know they will be sad or hurt that I'm not singing happy birthday? They would obviously prefer for me not to sing at any other time.

Sing in the shower or when you are by yourself. It would drive me mad if people were constantly singing around me - good voice or not.

DH has a pretty good voice. I love doing karaoke with him, but if he was randomly bursting into song through the day I would rip my hair out. Save it for the karaoke booth op.

Singing in the way you describe is actually a vocal stim. It releases tension in your body. My dd doesn't especially like it when I sing but I've told her quite clearly that's it's my house and I will not mask within its walls. I do try and rein it in at work and in public though. I absolutely belt it out in the car to try and get ahead of myself.

Was also frequently told to shut up at school, and that I couldn't sing. Funnily enough by people who didn't even take music GCSE and were looking for any excuse to put others down.

Its irritating to other people though.
I prefer peace and quiet, its not joyful to have someone belting out songs all the time, its annoying and selfish.
I love the sound of birds
Unless you are in fact a robin STFU !

I would totally ignore what they have said and up the singing even more.

Have they tried to gently ask you to reduce/stop the singing in the past?

Like others on this thread it would absolutely do my head in if I lived or worked with someone who sang a lot, especially when it was just randomly and with no music. Singing along to the radio is one thing, randomly singing when there is no music and you are singing about what you are doing is just odd sometimes.

I like a quiet home. Someone interrupting my peace with pointless singing would really stress me out. My best friend on the other hand would probably love it as he doesn’t cope well with silence.

If your family have previously ask you to stop/reduce it (and it sounds like your children have at least done this) then they may think the only way they can get you to stop is to say your voice isn’t very good, even if that is untrue as they haven’t had any luck doing it in a nice way.

Singing in the way you describe is actually a vocal stim. It releases tension in your body.

Intertesting.

MIL hums and sings randomly - it annoyes the fuck out of me with my sensory issues - I tolerate it or go and do something in another room. My DD has verbal nosies poping noises and such which also drive me batty she says it part of her ADHD - I try and do similar with her even when it setting me off.

I remember singing a nursury rhyme to my pfb - my Mum was scathing about my voice and made many little digs. I still sang at groups and when alone with kids but never felt like doing it again in front of her - though did do happy birthday to kids in front of her.

Nothing wrong with being petty.

They took the opportunity to pile on with insults rather than speak to you kindly about reining it in a bit.

Fuck ‘em.

I am a former opera singer so you can imagine how teens like that! They know better than to say a word but if they ever expected me not to randomlly burst into song they could all fuck off to fuck.

I hope you go all Brünnhilde in the shower.

I think they're all being horrible.
And I don't get the people on here saying just sing in the shower from now on, or that it's annoying when people sing around the house. What a bunch of miseries.
You do need to tell them you're hurt, though, rather than just wait for them to notice.

Your husband is a complete dick. I can’t sing and neither can my son. We’re both tone deaf. We still sing away. My husband, who has a good singing voice, has never once told either of us to stop, in fact he Ives my son’s voice. He also thinks in tone deaf but he would never tell em not to sing unless it was inappropriate.

God, what sort of persons destroys someone else joy?

I don't think they would have reacted this way if OP was genuinely just singing along with the radio at times/in church when others are singing.

OP's mention of tending to sing when she's happy gives me an image of someone who sings a lot as they move around the house, tidy up, fold washing etc - not just someone who sings along with the radio/in group settings as anyone else might.

Not to say that OP's family were right to be so blunt but I can see how it's irritating.

But will they actually care if OP makes a point of not singing happy birthday, and when questioned goes 'You said you didn't like my singing so here you go'?

If I were the husband/child that would just get an eye roll from me and make me think she was being pathetic.

Surely OP is best to either just be more mindful of her singing when everyone is about, or to just ignore what they've said completely. Not make some sad little point which makes her look silly.

I genuinely have a god awful voice. I’m not a big singer (but I was when the kids were little, constantly singing to nursery rhymes etc) but I’d sing a long to a tune on the radio or similar. I’ve even done group karaoke once or twice. I think I’d sing to spite them 🤣

Have you recorded yourself singing?

I can carry a tune too but am no Celine. I'm thinking of having singing lessons. How about joining a choir? There are rock choirs etc all over.

But being a former opera singer doesn’t make it okay to burst into song any more than a former pro golfer practising their swing in a restaurant, or a former pro ballerina getting en pointe whilst waiting in line at the post office - you get the drift. It’s ultimately attention seeking behaviour.

My relative is also a former professional singer but it doesn’t make it any less relentless being sung at all. the. time. Showers or washing up, great, walking into a room and warbling over whatever you’re listening to on the radio or spending long car trips singing away without respite… it’s tedious no matter how “professional” she was before kids.

Hi Situationallystuck
Very nasty of your husband and family to say that you should only sing when alone. You obviously enjoy singing - it’s who you are. You say you were in a choir when younger. I’d like to suggest that you seek out a choir asap and join. Then you can sing and get professional feedback on your voice. I’m sure you’ll be acceptable. Then what will husband and family say ! Also it will be good for your morale. And carry on singing 😊

I think the fact it's singing is kind of a red herring? You are doing something that irritates/annoys your entire family.

This is interesting. The other side of that coin is that your entire family are really trying to put you in your place, it seems. They view the sounds you make as taking up space...does everything they do fall into the 'not annoying at all to anyone else' category?

I agree that singing is a vocal stim - with various schoolfriends of my DC, it's humming, and it is done unconsciously (and doesn't last very long), but it collides with one-sided hearing problems for her and if it does, it causes anxiety and stops her hearing other sounds clearly.

Be very clear about how their comments have really hurt you, and why singing matters to you and you will not be making yourself ashamed for doing it. Definitely join another choir. If needed - and it looks petty, but I have, once or twice, done this - say you'll sit somewhere away from them in church/ go to another service because it would not be the same for you if you had to stop yourself singing, so you don't want to be inhibited and they have made their opinions clear. Think of some non-confrontational phrases that you can be ready with if they are scornful: " No, I'm not going to do that, it's important to me." "This is what I've decided and it should be a good solution for both you and me."

Given the hearing problem vs frequencies issue above, I have had to tread a similar line for quite a long time now. It hurts, and it undermines, but even if the compromises seem cringey, there is a glimmer of meeting your own needs as best you can, when you do go ahead with this kind of thing. (DC now tells me, if she's away for a night or so "You can spend the whole day singing!" If only this worked on demand!)

Sure, if she said “well you said you didn’t want my singing so nerr nerr I’m not doing it for you” it would be pathetic, but I know if I honestly said to my husband “the comments you and the kids were really hurtful and I feel too self conscious and uncomfortable about singing in public now that I know how much you hate it and how awful my voice actually is” he wouldn’t roll his eyes, because he’s not a dick. He’d realise that his communication was severely lacking, and he owed an apology for the hurtful delivery even if the point still stood that he didn’t want me singing along to the radio.

That said, I wouldn’t be leaving the conversation for a birthday. I’d have it now.

My daughter has a friend who is in a choir and another friend was saying how it drives her mad at school when this girl just starts singing randomly , she’s a teenager though and, knowing her family situation she probably does it for attention.

I think there is away to say that gets on my nerves wife without doing what he did, he’s been unpleasant to get some kind of dopamine hit out of it , well that’s how it comes a Ross. Although perhaps it’s been driving him mad for ages. The not singing on his birthday is petty though, have a conversation about it, resentment just eats away at a marriage.

Don't let them squash you OP. I think this is really sad. I presume you are not screeching all over the house so if singing along to the radio or whatever brings you some joy then go ahead and do it - fuck the lot of them. They are unkind and need to realise mum is a person too and if she wants to sing she can sing.

Please don't change who you are to appease people (even if they are your own family) who can't love and appreciate who you are. Everyone has 'quirks' that can be a bit annoying, I'm sure they have some too.

I think if he’s listened to it for 20 years it’s probably mildly irritating only, if he was suffering it’s his own fault for not bringing this up before.

Sing in the shower and in the car. Join a choir. Still get the benefit and joy from it.

I think not singing Happy Birthday is just a way of telling them that they hurt your feelings. I think either say that your feelings are hurt or don’t, but don’t do it via a birthday, likely you’ll be upset whatever the outcome, ie I doubt they’re going to react in a way that heals this for you.

or randomly sing something in our heads

Well indeed, but singing in your head isn't really an issue for anyone is it? 😐

I can't believe everyone saying "just ignore them and sing louder!". How fucking rude!

Sorry but if you're doing something out loud in a household (singing, playing an instrument, watching TikToks / YouTube on full volume) then you need to be considerate of others in the house. Not do it louder.

Op, I am so very sorry that you have been criticised about something that obviously means a lot to you.

I agree with an early poster - my kids singing isn’t brilliant simply as they are so young - the tune and tone aren’t perfect. But I genuinely enjoy hearing them because I hear their joy in their singing.

It seems weird to me that your family would have a problem with this! Especially as you said you have been in a choir - how bad could you really be?

All that said, I think your hurt is going to an extreme by saying you won’t sing them happy birthday. The point of singing happy birthday is not what a beautiful vocal harmony the singers create - it’s the intention to celebrate the person you’re all singing to. Nobody, no matter how terrible a singer is ever excluded from this. Not joining in because you have been told you are not a good singer seems spiteful, honestly.

I would maybe go a singing class or something if you want to be able to sing and know that it is not unpleasant to others. I wouldn’t be surprised to find your family is just uncomfortable about it simply because it is you, but if that’s not the case, you’ll have some professional advice and your family can just shut up 😁