AIBU dh smoking

[OneTwinklyBird]

So my husband is from a family of smokers. He started smoking at 11 and all of his immediate family smoke.

I hate smoking. Lost 3 grandparents to lung cancer and hate the culture of having to go outside for a cigarette, have a cigarette before leaving, the smell, the atmosphere ... I hate it.

Before we ever started dating, in the initial talking to each other stages I told him I did not want to date a smoker. It was a hard line for me and I couldn't be with a smoker. I do not want any future children exposed to it an I really had an aversion to it. He said he had been trying to give up anyway, agreed with my views regarding children and wanted to be with me so this was the push he needed.

1.5 years later I walked outside at his sisters wedding and his mum tried to intercept me, then tried to block my view of him. I stepped around her and there he was smoking. His mum said it was a one off and his sisters wedding, I was being unreasonable not to understand etc. I spoke with him again and said it was fine if he wanted to smoke, I understand it's an addiction etc but I could not be with a smoker so he needed to tell me now so we could both move on. He said it was a lapse on a special occasion etc.

Fast forward 15 years. We are married, multiple children. He took up vaping many years ago, I hated it but it was a compromise as such so I ignored it. A few instances over the years I thought I have smelt smoke on him and he has denied it profusely. There were cigarette butts in the garden of the house he said they were his mums from when she visited, a few weeks after this I caught him outside smoking with her and he said she'd just bought him one packet as he was stressed.

A year ago we went through a very stressful period and he is now smoking fully again. Money is really tight but he always finds money for cigarettes. At first because of my strong feelings he would ensure he washed his hands after being outside and showered before he got into bed. This has stopped completely. The smell means I don't want to kiss him or lie next to him.

i understand it is his body and his choice but I feel like I have been tricked and gaslit for years about this and now forced into accepting it because we have children and are married and it is his choice whether he smokes or not.

AIBU to be so angry and bitter about this?

It's easy to see where he gets his manipulative ways!

He's not taken you seriously. He's from a family of smokers and probably can't imagine anyone would actually break up a marriage over smoking. You have confirmed this by tolerating his smoking creeping back in. The only options you have are to accept it fully, or properly force him to choose. If you do the second you need to ask him to leave until he's stopped and then he can come home.

His mum sounds awful, BTW. Massive sympathy there, in laws can be the worst. Especially in this case where you’re the evil wife trying to stop their lovely boy doing the fun thing that they encouraged from childhood 🤢🤢🤢🤢.

We only get treated how we allow ourselves to be treated. First up his family are arseholes and only fanning the flames.

My hubby and I had a similar thing with his weed. He shut it down, occasionally if he's super stressed he has a smoke but stays out long enough that I don't smell it (the smell triggers seizures) and so he misses dinner and he has to do the laundry so there is a cost.

I wouldn't divorce him, yet. I would formally separate and seek marriage counseling. That is if you want to keep the marriage. If you are done than make the split as amicable as possible for the children.

I have been with my partner 34 years. I have a DS & DD. I would not spend a single day under the same roof as my partner if they started smoking.

Not a day.

He is simply DARVO’ing you. Denying, Attacking, Reversing Victim and Offender. The “controlling” accusation is utter misdirection. It was a condition of marrying you that he stop smoking. He voluntarily accepted that but then evaded it, lied about it, deceived you, took your attention/time/money/body and shit all over you because he continued smoking. And somehow you are the controlling one? You are the problem? Bollocks. If I marry someone and expect monogamy but they cheat on me am I +controlling* when I say “no, I expected you to keep your vows?” Of course not.

Here's the thing.

Smoking is clearly part of his DNA now (before anyone jumps on me, I don't mean literally, I mean it's so ingrained in him that it might as well be) that he won't stop. You've said it's something he needs to quit, but when addiction is so ingrained that he is easily triggered into starting again, it won't ever go away. His body will eventually lose the ability to cope with it at all, and you will end up playing nurse when he inevitably succumbs the the poison he's putting in his body. That will impact YOUR quality of life, and all for something that he won't quit. Is that what you want for your life?

Hi mum sounds really frustrating: Trying to help him hide it by blocking your view.... and buying him a packet cos he'd had a stressful week!

I've seen behaviour like that in drinkers too - trying to drag others down to their level and not wanting them to give up.

You said years ago it was a deal breaker. I couldn’t be with a smoker either. Add in the lies and gas lighting and I certainly would not be staying

i would have one more serious conversation saying he is aware it’s deal breaker, that you have seen people die of lung cancer and are not prepared to go through that again , that smoking is anti social and and smelly and awful and that he has promised to give up and has lied and done nothing

so you want a divorce an he can leave and go and stay with mummy and smoke to his hearts content

As someone who hates smoking I would’ve never got into a relationship with him, you could see where this was going. Smoking killed two of my relatives prematurely and I wouldn’t want that for the father of my children

Your husband has obviously made his choice.
You will need to make your choice.
Your children do not have a choice.
Even if he smokes outside, his clothes, skin and any surface he touches can be contaminated with toxic chemicals and can be transferred to other people,(you and your children ), and affect their health.

Oh come on. I agree op's DH should give up but it is not "pretty easy" to do so. I started smoking age 14 in the 1970s. I finally gave up for good in 2020. I have not had one since. There are no cravings anymore but I know just one cigarette would lead to me smoking full time again. I think he is in the wrong here of course but to say it's easy to give up smoking is simply untrue.

Truthfully after considering I don't think he really cares how I feel. There are lots of situations that show this. But I think he wants an easy, no stress life and I have provided that.

Now I am not complaining about smoking he is just doing it regularly without caring and it is progressing, no longer washing hands, no longer hiding it from kids.

i don't want to live like this but my options are extremely limited. I also don't know if I want to split up with him, I know that's contradictory but it's not as straightforward as so many of you seem to thjbk

No its not easy to leave but

• he's lied to you
• his health could get much worse and you'd have to care for him
• he's setting a terrible example to your children, will he get them started on smoking?
• he doesn't seem to care about your feelings
• he's wasting over £5k a year, thats a family holiday abroad

If his brother dying of lung cancer didn't stop him smoking he will never stop.

You sound controlling and obsessive.

Also hypocritical: you said you would never date a smoker and thats what you did.

How would you feel about a man who says he is disgusted by fat women and would never date one, who then proceeds to go out with one and spend years policing her eating because he had parents who died of a heart attack?

He never fully gave up and his family enabled him and helped him hide it from you.

I'd be ditching the whole lot of them.

Wow, ok.

On my lunch break & catching up with a few posts I've replied to.

It strikes me OP you have resigned yourself to staying with a hardened smoker despite hating it. Would you stay with an alcoholic or someone with a violent temper. Admittedly smoking can be done privately without you watching but the results of smoking such as the stink throughout the house & the likelihood of developing lung cancer or clogged arteries resulting in a stroke or heart attack is something you will have to live with & worry about every day. You could say anything can happen to anyone at any given time. The diffence is smokers know what the results will be & they have no consideration for those they will leave behind far too early & often with young children. I feel you should be stronger in your resolve in letting him know how much it's affecting you. Do not give up.

Maybe I am controlling and obsessive, I don't think smoking and "being fat" equate. Mainly because of the impact of passive smoking on others, but it is interesting that others also think I'm controlling.

in terms of obsessive I do disagree, but happy to hear how I am wrong

If I spoke with him about how much it was affecting me he would tell me I was being emotionally manipulative unfortunately

Being overweight definitely impacts on others eg public seating

Not in the same way. The effects of passive smoking on a household can be devastating.

can I ask something without you taking offence?

are you a smoker?

No, Im an ex smoker though.
Are you overweight?

Well this is another issue in your marriage and a serious one. You do realise that calling you unkind things such as manipulative to prevent uou from expressing your feelings is itself abusive?

I realise you are in a difficult situation right now, but it just isn't acceptable that you just have to suck this up. Especially because it impacts your children in so many ways.

You should at the very least be able to discuss it, and if you can't, then you need to seriously examine what kind of marriage you are in.

No I'm not.