AIBU dh smoking

[OneTwinklyBird]

So my husband is from a family of smokers. He started smoking at 11 and all of his immediate family smoke.

I hate smoking. Lost 3 grandparents to lung cancer and hate the culture of having to go outside for a cigarette, have a cigarette before leaving, the smell, the atmosphere ... I hate it.

Before we ever started dating, in the initial talking to each other stages I told him I did not want to date a smoker. It was a hard line for me and I couldn't be with a smoker. I do not want any future children exposed to it an I really had an aversion to it. He said he had been trying to give up anyway, agreed with my views regarding children and wanted to be with me so this was the push he needed.

1.5 years later I walked outside at his sisters wedding and his mum tried to intercept me, then tried to block my view of him. I stepped around her and there he was smoking. His mum said it was a one off and his sisters wedding, I was being unreasonable not to understand etc. I spoke with him again and said it was fine if he wanted to smoke, I understand it's an addiction etc but I could not be with a smoker so he needed to tell me now so we could both move on. He said it was a lapse on a special occasion etc.

Fast forward 15 years. We are married, multiple children. He took up vaping many years ago, I hated it but it was a compromise as such so I ignored it. A few instances over the years I thought I have smelt smoke on him and he has denied it profusely. There were cigarette butts in the garden of the house he said they were his mums from when she visited, a few weeks after this I caught him outside smoking with her and he said she'd just bought him one packet as he was stressed.

A year ago we went through a very stressful period and he is now smoking fully again. Money is really tight but he always finds money for cigarettes. At first because of my strong feelings he would ensure he washed his hands after being outside and showered before he got into bed. This has stopped completely. The smell means I don't want to kiss him or lie next to him.

i understand it is his body and his choice but I feel like I have been tricked and gaslit for years about this and now forced into accepting it because we have children and are married and it is his choice whether he smokes or not.

AIBU to be so angry and bitter about this?

Just to reiterate I did not suggest she said this to the children.. definitely shouldn't donthat. I suggested she made him think about the idea of it.

I think ultimately if he does not want to go to the gp I cannot and will not make him. He is not my child and that is very much his decision.

i am too unwell right now to make life changing decisions regarding our relationship but I clearly need to be seriously considering my options

Or lack of them

I don't know how link threads and I've only posted one other but that may give you an idea if you're genuinely interested

I think I also need to consider how I respond to things. The message I have taken from responses is it's my fault for believing and trusting him, it's my fault for ever thinking he'd be able to give up, it's my fault for not leaving sooner, it's my fault now

He's a liar and been lying for a long time, and smoking on and off during all of it, I bet. His family are horrible and he's getting ill from ignoring health issues.

You sleep on the sofa? And you have an open wound, it hasnt healed probably, partly due to you being stressed and getting poor quality sleep. Please correct me if I got that wrong.

You have to tell him that you will leave if he doesn't sort himself out. The health stuff and smoking combined. It's not great he likes smoking but you gave him the benefit of the doubt, despite knowing his history of smoking, when you got together.

For what it is worth, his family are using the smoking to keep him part of them, its a method of him being kept down on their level. They don't respect you or your relationship or they wouldn't have let him get away with it, knowing you hate him smoking. Not because you are controlling (they probably think you are because they love to smoke too, and see nothing wrong with it) but HE SAID he wasn't going to anymore.

I'm sorry OP, unless there is a drastic change on his part, I think you know how this will probably end.

I don't think it is your fault. He has done this.

I couldn’t kiss a smoker.

Sorry but this is not the time for - 'oh woe is me.' It's not your fault however you should take accoutability for the decisions you have made so far in your life. It's not your husband's fault that you are married to a smoker. That's like saying you have no autonomy in your life

I'm sorry. I am in quite a lot of pain at the minute and very tired.

I apologise, my post was too much

I think there are a couple of things here; yes, he has been smoking all along, aided by his family who have helped him hide this from you. If they are smokers too they will be 'on his side'. This is pretty sad really, and like you I would feel foolish and angry that they had been doing this.
However, you are where you are and unless you really want to burn it all down you will probably have to find a way of coming to terms with this. I can only suggest you have a couple of sessions of counselling or mediation to allow you to actually express your anger, and also to decide just how you want to move forward.
I have to add this was how my family life was. My lovely Dad just could not quit despite promises and big occasions (new house, cancer scares, births of grandchildren) where he would swear he would quit. But he never did, he would always gradually go back; one of us would catch him and there would be tears and rows. But he smoked until the end of his life, and yes I did watch him kill himself with cigarettes. What a stupid waste, and a horrible end to his life. Maybe you could tell your OH that you don't want that for your children.
I wish you all the best whatever way it goes. xxx

Here you are @OneTwinklyBird💐

I gave up smoking many years ago.

You can only give it up if you really want to and I did. I'd got to the stage of no longer enjoying a fag, it was just a habit, so it was pointless; I was also concerned about future health. When I had made up my mind to stop, I stopped and it was remarkably easy,

No amount of pressure or blackmail would have made me stop smoking before I was ready, people either accepted me as a smoker or not, I didn't care. In fact I wanted to smoke all the more! I could not go to sleep at night if I had run out of cigarettes, had to know there was at least one for the morning.

I've certainly been healthier since giving up and am glad I did. However I have no objection to others smoking, the smell does not bother me. Hardly anyone does nowadays anyway!

I took a look, and I actually remember reading that thread at the time. But neither post really give any reason for why you have been sleeping on a sofa for a year... which in my opinion would be a marital issue.

The general consensus might be that most people wouldn't have been so naive to think he would quit smoking etc but that's neither here nor there anymore. You have an issue NOW with the smoking / level of smoking and the years of built up deceit.

You need to make decisions and plans as to what you are going to do NOW. He clearly is a man who does whatever he wants (that's clearly from both your threads)... I am not saying you need to change the locks today but you need to decide to either make peace with the fact that this is who he is and he isn't going to change or decide that you deserve better (which you do) and make plans to set the wheels in motion. I would recommend a womens aid charity or similar who can help steer you in the direction of what to start gathering etc should you decide to leave.

He’s been smoking since he was 11 😱😱😱

Jesus, his organs must be destroyed.

My friend took the soft-line like you OP, she hated her DP smoking and said she’d leave him if he didn’t quit, but stayed. Now, due to illness caused by smoking, he’s unable to work, drive or contribute meaningfully to family life at all and has a 5ish yr lifespan left, for which my friend is going to have to be his carer and raise their two kids without any real physical help from him.

She feels too guilty to leave him now, despite him having brought this illness on himself and is juggling young kids, being the sole financial provider, caring for her DP and aging parents. She’s aged a decade in the last year and I genuinely think the stress, pressure, lack of support and lack of money is killing her.

His smoking has ruined both of their lives and it’s horrible to witness. He has said that he thought the nasty warnings and photos on the side of fag packets were exaggerated and not real 🙄 but they are exactly what his internal organs look like now 😞

Just to clarify because it may be misleading.

i have no confirmation that he has been smoking over the entirety of our marriage outside of the instances I am aware of and my suspicions.

he began again properly after a hugely stressful period Christmas before last. I dropped the kids off at an event and he was smoking when I arrived, his mum commented you're smoking in front of her don't you need to put it out which might mean nothing but to me raised my suspicions

he is now smoking again. I have not asked, I do not know if I would be able to believe the response.

he has said he will give up but taken no steps towards this and instead is smoking more and buying a contraption to self roll among other things.

The thing is op, a vice like smoking is just like alcohol, drugs, bad habits in general. If there’s a stressful situation then there’s an excellent risk of relapse.
He started at 11, he comes from a family of smokers. that is all you needed to know

you don’t need to know during the marriage, isolated instances and anything else. You knew before. Someone with his background and what did you expect. A child of 11 smoking, is that normal to you? It is to him. That’s just how he is wired. And he has a family of support behind that. You have lost the battle. I would just already decide what it is you want, rather than trying to change him. He won’t. That’s the first step.

So dramatic.

Why?

The OP made it clear from the start she didn't want to be in a relationship with a smoker. He was given the get out card which he chose not to take.

When you find out your partner is being deceitful, doing something they know was a deal breaker in the relationship, then the OP is within their rights to feel really pissed off and let down.

It's not dramatic. Its facts.

Why?

@OneTwinklyBird I’m in a similar position.

Also told him when we met that it was a deal breaker for me.

he also said he would stop. We were at uni together and used to smoke marijuana together occasionally, but I never smoked cigarettes and thought we were on the same page.

Years later, married with kids, turns out he’d never stopped smoking, he just hid it. He smoked cigarettes and marijuana daily and also did cocaine occasionally (I don’t know how frequent this was).

This came out when it was also revealed that he had been sexting another woman when we were going through a bad patch.

It was like I didn’t know him at all.

We almost split, and he moved out for around a month. He had some trauma from childhood and he saw a therapist for around a year.

He now no longer smokes. He started off on the patches but then gave them up and manages alone. He unfortunately now has some health problems from all the years of smoking and I think it has frightened him into stopping.

We get on well but I get very, very angry when I think about it too much. The money he has wasted over the years, the damage he has done to his health, the time he wasted sexting that horrid woman, how comfortable he felt about lying about it all.

I hate it.

i just feel very frustrated. He’s a good person and a wonderful dad to our kids. He’s just left everybody down so badly with all this. And yes I feel gaslit. I stated my boundaries and he just trampled all over them.

At the root of it there is very much an element of sexism and male entitlement. He was going to do what he wanted to do and to hell with me. And all it’s done is damage his health, our finances and our relationship.

very silly. Very frustrating.

Thank you for messaging. I am sorry you had to go through this as well but hearing your story definitely helps.

also the fact that you weren't aware either makes me feel slightly less stupid

i really hope your h realises what he has and steps up now x

Probably at the point where he chose cigarettes over his wife sleeping on the sofa with a wound that won’t heal?!

I can see the logic of the sunk cost fallacy here, you’ve got history, you’ve put the time and energy in, now you’ve got kids. So you might as well stick with what you’ve got…but… you’re prioritising your past over your future.

If you don’t deal with the issue (you don’t have to leave, but counselling, GP, ultimatum, patches etc) then ultimately you WILL be married to a smoker. Which is what you say you don’t want.

Ex-smoker here. Nicotine is one of the most addictive drugs there is - it's very hard to kick. You have to really want to (not know that you ought to, but really want to). Too often, other smokers will encourage you to relapse if you're trying to give up. My first few attempts were sabotaged by smokers pressing cigarettes on me. (Misery loves company).

But he should be honest with you - if he really doesn't want to give up, then he should say so and allow you to make your own choice. He should have been honest like this from the start. His family seem to be colluding with him and making it harder for him to stop.

If his O2 levels are dropping so low, then he is well on his way to COPD.

I'm honestly not sure what you can do. I managed to give up over 50 years ago after a 20+ a day habit. It was a killer, but I desperately wanted to stop, and I was no longer in close touch with most of my smoking friends, which made it easier. My DM smoked, but she was very supportive of me giving up and never smoked in front of me or offered me a cigarette when I was in the process of stopping.

I have no useful advice. If he genuinely doesn't want to give up, then he won't, but insist on honesty. Don't give him a hard time for smoking (but obviously, ouside and not in front of the kids), unless you truly can't stand it, in which case, you probably need to think about the future of your relationship. Good luck.