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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

926 replies

Theopdore · 01/04/2026 10:05

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

OP posts:
Theopdore · 01/04/2026 12:00

Shinyandnew1 · 01/04/2026 11:59

If you genuinely think this, ring up and speak to the school (head/senco) and explain the situation and ask for advice. We had had this many times and arranged for parents to pick children up early/at a separate exit for a short period to avoid confrontation.

I have asked one of the other mums to collect them and I will meet them somewhere

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 01/04/2026 12:04

You need to spell it out clearly when he is inappropriate.
Tell him as soon as he is badgering you in the mornings, for example..
Please don't message again, I will answer you when I have time in the next 24 hours.
When you get back, thank him for waiting on your response.

He can't be a mind reader and he doesn't have kids.

If the man can not hear and respect your boundaries, he is not suitable for you.

SquallyShowersLater · 01/04/2026 12:04

If you were madly into him then none of this would matter. You'd be delighted to be together 24 hours a day whenever you don't have the kids, especially after only six months. This should be your honeymoon phase when you can't get enough of each other. If you are feeling smothered now then it's not going to get better, is it?

You need to break up with him. He's not right for you. The longer you leave it the harder it will be.

labamba007 · 01/04/2026 12:07

You can’t stay with someone just because you’re worried about their reaction to being dumped. Do it now. Message him if it’s easier then block.

Zov · 01/04/2026 12:07

Oh dear this is awful sorry @Theopdore Confused

I knew a bloke like this. I was seeing him when I was 19, and he was about 23. He asked me out when I was at the pub with some friends, and I said yes, and agreed to meet him 2 nights later and go to the cinema with him.

Didn't take long for me to realise that he was needy and immature and controlling and weird and would get angry when I said I wasn't available (when he suggested things we could do/places we could go.)

He phoned me every day, several times (even at work!) and came to my house (living with parents at the time) all the time, (uninvited,) with things he had arranged for us to do. It all became so suffocating and quite annoying. He was desperate for us to spend every waking hour together, and started talking about getting a place together (after 7-8 weeks of dating!) He also called me 'wifey' and when my neighbour brought her new baby around one day when he was there, he said 'you can come off the pill, and we'll have one of those!'

I was like Confused By then I was thinking of how I could get out of this 'relationship...'

I said I was going on holiday for 3 nights/4 days - Friday to Monday - with my 3 friends (in a guest house in Blackpool, we had an apartment with 4 single beds that had been booked 3 months earlier, before I met him.) He was like Confused He said 'but you will be gone for 4 days!' I said 'yes, I will. I'll see you when I get back.' He was like 😔He acted like a wounded puppy. He said 'oh don't go pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease. Stay with me I beg you!' He said it in front of one of the 3 friends (when I was packing.) She said 'bloody hell Zov, he's a bit needy!' I was like 'hmmm...' He worked part time for his uncle in the building trade, (as a labourer, around 18 to 20 hours a week,) so I sloped off when he was at work. On the Friday morning.

My friends and I got to the guest house at midday on the Friday, and we went out straight away to the beach, and spent the late afternoon going around the shops, and spent the evening going around the pubs.

Next morning (Saturday,) he was outside, parked in his car. He had followed me to the guest house, (still not sure how he knew which one it was as I never told him) and he tried to come in, to see if he could stay with me in the apartment. I said 'no! It's an apartment with 2 bedrooms, with 2 single beds in each one. Lyn and Jane are sharing one room, and Lizzie and I are sharing the other, and there's nowhere for you.'

He kept mithering and whining, and insisting he could share the single bed with me. (While my other friend was 3 feet away in the other single bed, er no!') I said no 20 times over, and he ended up following us in his car, as we went off in a taxi parked outside. He followed us and trailed around behind us, My friends laughed and said he was a weirdo. they were right.

On the Saturday evening, we got ready to spend the night at the pubs ,and as we all walked out, he got out of his car and followed us. My 3 friends were like Confused... I said 'what the fuck are you doing?' He put on this sad little dog look and said 'but I MISS you, let's spend the evening together! Just you and me.' I was angry at this point, and said 'no, just go home (home was 80 miles away at the time,) and he refused, saying he loves me and he needs me.'

tl;dr. I went back into the guest house, told him he couldn't come in, and told my 3 friends to go to the beach. I phoned my dad, and asked him to come and get me. He ruined the trip for me as I had to abandon it, and when we got home, he came around that afternoon and kept knocking on my door. It was only my dad giving him a piece of his mind that made him leave our front doorstep!

He still kept hounding me though, for about 2-3 weeks. I was temping (secretarial) at the time, and I packed 2 suitcases, and went to stay with a cousin in Manchester for a while (several months) and got temp work there - and he didn't know where I was. My parents said he was crying on the doorstep, and begging them to tell them where I was. It was 5 months before I came back, and thankfully, he had given up by then.

Fucking weirdo. I didn't date anyone for about a year and a quarter after that, he put me off men for a while!

Sorry for this long post @Theopdore BIN THIS MAN, NOW!
.

Elanol · 01/04/2026 12:09

Be careful of someone who pushes boundaries like this. You've caved a few times by the sound of it. Having to prove you were ill is a slippery slope OP.

You don't seem to want to continue this and that's fine, no matter what he says. You're a mamma bear, you can be strong and get rid. You will never satisfy this type of need. It's controlling, it's meant to be.

labamba007 · 01/04/2026 12:09

Sorry just seen your updates well done OP!! Enjoy your weekend to yourself ❤️

plsdontlookatme · 01/04/2026 12:09

My ex was worried that he was "too nice" - I'll let you guess how that turned out...

WhoKnowsWhat2026 · 01/04/2026 12:10

Look up Hollie Guard and download their free safety app, so if he does turn up when you collect your kids, you can quickly activate it and it will start recording and will let your emergency contact know there is a problem. If you don't think his behaviour will stop then call the police.

kellygoeswest · 01/04/2026 12:15

You made the right decision - I hope it feels like a weight is lifted now!

Hopefully he accepts your decision but I would maybe keep a diary/log of his attempts to contact you, just in case you need to report him for harassment at some point.

Cherrysoup · 01/04/2026 12:16

Police if he doesn’t stop. Turning up at school would seem logical to him (because his thinking isn’t normal) if the OP is (quite rightly) not allowing him in. Aren’t most schools closed for Easter?

Clare’s Law is a good idea, but there’s a degree of hysteria from some pp. Of course the OP needs to protect herself but the immediate ‘He’s a stalker’, I just don’t know. He’s clearly manipulative and utterly lacking in emotional intelligence /empathy and the OP is absolutely right to dump and cut contact but he may persist, hopefully not. No harm seeking advice from the police.

Forestgreenblue · 01/04/2026 12:16

I reported my ex to the police for similar behaviour. Though slightly worse - he had attacked me.

Hilariously he then reported ME to the police too for allegedly constantly calling him and turning up at his house. There was not one single call from me on his phone. I could actually prove where I was every single day.

He showed police one email from me at the time we split which was a simple request to please drop off my things outside my mothers house and not at mine (he never did drop my things off) - policeman said it was the first time in his 20 year career he had a report of harassment with not a single call or proof of contact.

He also called my workplace and claimed I’d stolen a significant amount of money from him - £30k he claimed!! After being questioned by work over the matter as at the time I dealt with a lot of high profile clients, I called the police directly about this one to report him for it and offered to openly allow them to examine my bank accounts. Funnily enough they knew it was bollocks and said no proof from me was necessary

The police were absolutely amazed at how mental he was. The police officer who handled the entire situation gave me his mobile number to contact him directly should any further need be required.

My ex moved on VERY quickly to a new victim and despite me trying to warn her by sending her a single message outlining his behaviour, she was told by him I was the ‘psycho ex’ - she contacted me about 6 months later to say she wish she had listened and everything I said was true.

3luckystars · 01/04/2026 12:17

How can you have sex with someone like that, he is acting like a child, and you his mammy?

Get rid of him, your personality and his will get entangled and you will never be rid of him.

Picture it:

Our Love Story
We met. He guilted me into feeling sorry for him and harassed me until he got his way. I became powerless and felt sorry for him
so decided to stay, as I thought he had potential.

NO! Read Women Who Love Too Much.

Cut him off. Be free x

ThisJadeBear · 01/04/2026 12:17

Do not waver. That’s it.
He is clearly unhinged and while there is nothing wrong with caring for a parent you don’t have to become another one for him!
Is there anywhere you could go when your kids are away for a break?

Greenfingers37 · 01/04/2026 12:18

Stay strong OP and inform the children’s school in case he turns up there.

Villanousvillans · 01/04/2026 12:19

Gawd, this would drive me nuts. We all need time for ourselves. Bin him, he’s way too needy.

Note to self RTFT.

Bikergran · 01/04/2026 12:19

Theopdore · 01/04/2026 10:09

The thing is I have tried to cut off a few times and he says he will change and pleads for
me to not end things.

honestly the thought of 4 days to myself sounds like absolute heaven.

i was ill a few weeks ago with the flu and it was a day when the kids were with their dad. He made out I was lying so I didn’t have to see him so in the end I just let him come round to see how ill I was.

Pleads for you not to end it. 🚩Says you're lying about being ill. 🚩 This is coercive control. End it now and block him on every level.

Bimblebombles · 01/04/2026 12:21

I'm proud of your bravery, you've done the right thing. Keep vigilant for a while.

binkie163 · 01/04/2026 12:22

Theopdore · 01/04/2026 10:12

He also said the other day as I said I will see you on x day. He went a day and then said I miss you too much I want to come round, he said he shouldn’t have to ask me if he can come round.

He lives with his mum, of course he wants to be at your home, he is moving in by stealth. No man clings or loves as much as one needing a home. He sounds whiny, clingy, desperate and it is really unattractive. I bet he has no friends or hobbies.

ETA: just seen your updates, glad you blocked him as he wont go quietly.

3luckystars · 01/04/2026 12:22

Other women saying he is ‘too nice’ is a huge red flag. He is a skilled manipulator but is doing it smiling in a ‘kind way’.

They picked up on it too. Like you.

Scary.

Just say whatever you need to say to get rid of him. if he shows up say your ex came
around and you are getting back together. He a police officer and body builder with a vicious jealous streak. lie.

do whatever it takes to scare him off for good

raisinglittlepeople12 · 01/04/2026 12:23

I’m more concerned that you’re using your energy for someone who offers nothing and is way too intense. These are all red flags. Someone who describes themselves as “too nice” is almost never actually nice. Based on his behaviour, I’m guessing he was very intense/harassing her too.

You have young children, if you date anyone at all they need to be responsible, have their own adult life, and have enough healthy relationship experience that you can trust them to be in your children’s lives.

I personally don’t think parents should date until their children are older, but that’s just my opinion. I think everyone can agree that parents should only date trustworthy and responsible people.

Myneighbourisanosyoldgit · 01/04/2026 12:23

Forestgreenblue · 01/04/2026 12:16

I reported my ex to the police for similar behaviour. Though slightly worse - he had attacked me.

Hilariously he then reported ME to the police too for allegedly constantly calling him and turning up at his house. There was not one single call from me on his phone. I could actually prove where I was every single day.

He showed police one email from me at the time we split which was a simple request to please drop off my things outside my mothers house and not at mine (he never did drop my things off) - policeman said it was the first time in his 20 year career he had a report of harassment with not a single call or proof of contact.

He also called my workplace and claimed I’d stolen a significant amount of money from him - £30k he claimed!! After being questioned by work over the matter as at the time I dealt with a lot of high profile clients, I called the police directly about this one to report him for it and offered to openly allow them to examine my bank accounts. Funnily enough they knew it was bollocks and said no proof from me was necessary

The police were absolutely amazed at how mental he was. The police officer who handled the entire situation gave me his mobile number to contact him directly should any further need be required.

My ex moved on VERY quickly to a new victim and despite me trying to warn her by sending her a single message outlining his behaviour, she was told by him I was the ‘psycho ex’ - she contacted me about 6 months later to say she wish she had listened and everything I said was true.

I had similar with ex h she called she was going to make him happy -yadda yadda. 6 months on she called me, he'd fleeced her of her savings, got her into debt with forged loans and she was a single parent.

looselegs · 01/04/2026 12:24

Theopdore · 01/04/2026 10:09

The thing is I have tried to cut off a few times and he says he will change and pleads for
me to not end things.

honestly the thought of 4 days to myself sounds like absolute heaven.

i was ill a few weeks ago with the flu and it was a day when the kids were with their dad. He made out I was lying so I didn’t have to see him so in the end I just let him come round to see how ill I was.

Oh I couldn't be doing with this! You're feeling like this after just a few months.....time to walk away.....

MyDeftDuck · 01/04/2026 12:27

“i was ill a few weeks ago with the flu and it was a day when the kids were with their dad. He made out I was lying so I didn’t have to see him so in the end I just let him come round to see how ill I was.”

This is a massive red flag. He accused you of lying about feeling unwell?? The bloke sounds unhinged and definitely too needy! Dump him!

RedLightYellowLight · 01/04/2026 12:34

Also another vote for calling 101 and say you’re worried he’s going to turn up at school and stalk you and you want some advice

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