AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

Do you have anyone you can bring to school pick up, or can you collect the kids a bit earlier? He sounds pretty unhinged.

I see the thread has moved on. Well done on dumping him. He's dangerous, so report him to the police and don't reopen contact 😳.

Get a camera doorbell.

Have you got any brothers/male relatives or friends that you can ask to come and stay over for a few days to tel him to fuck off if he turns up, and do the school run with you?

That stood out to me as a huge red flag too, it’s borderline incel talk.

"I was ill a few weeks ago with the flu and it was a day when the kids were with their dad. He made out I was lying so I didn’t have to see him so in the end I just let him come round to see how ill I was."

This is appaulling OP. He didn't believe you! This is abusive behaviour.

Edited as realised thread has moved on.

Yes this. If he's nice and just eager coz it's the start, you could explain you need more space and he might calm down. It could relax into a nice relationship, so think carefully. ...On the other hand, he could be needy and not suitable at all. Maybe you need a few years on your own. I was married in my 20s then had a really huge gap as a single....now I am in a relationship again these last 10 years and I'm really happy. I was glad I took a long break to concentrate on me. Being single can be great.

All of this, please call the police on 101. Do you have friends or family nearby to go to school pick-up with you?

This is why I’ve been single for years, I needed time to decompress when my kids were with their dad and couldn’t bear spending that precious time with someone needy

this is not remotely healthy @Theopdore
Its early days - you are meant to be in your loved up bubble.
Instead you feel smothered - because he is smothering you. And demanding to see you when you were ill, to check you weren't lying to him, is fucked up.

Be VERY wary of this relationship... this could get nasty quite quickly.

Edited to say that I have just seen your update. Glad you have ended it. Do not be tempted into any communication with him - he will want you to engage at any cost. If he turns up at school, tell him you don't want to talk to him and go into the school office if he won't leave. Tell friends and family what's going on so they know to check in on you. Hopefully he will get the message and go away.

If he got to yours that quickly I assume he lives or works very near by? Which means you will likely bump into him.
If/when you do just answer everything he says with 'i don't want a relationship with you'. If he asks why/pleads/begs just keep repeating I don't want a relationship with you. Anything else he will just jump on/promise to change etc.
I agree with all the red flags but I don't think it's unusual to go begging an ex to reconsider when dumped, the problem will be if he doesn't accept it over the coming days and continues. I don't think the police would be interested at this point.

@Theopdore " i was ill a few weeks ago with the flu and it was a day when the kids were with their dad. He made out I was lying so I didn’t have to see him so in the end I just let him come round to see how ill I was."

This is manipulative, controlling behaviour OP and doesn't bode well.
I'm sorry but he needs to go.

If it were me I would end it for good, asap. Delaying could just make it worse.

I don’t think it is too trivial to log with 101.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Protect yourself because you really don’t know this man, and the bits you do know about him don’t show him in a good light.

He was not ‘too nice’ for the other women. He was ‘too much’.

Bad advice, don't speak to him. She's sent the message, no contact

Well he's going after the wrong type of women for him for whatever reason. This isn't a you problem, I wouldn't put up with it.

Handhold OP.
A few suggestions:

• get a ring doorbell
• can you visit a friend / relative for a few days or invite someone round for moral support

Does he have a key or know where you hide a spare or anything like that?

Sounds like love bombing to me. I miss you so much I can't go one single day without seeing you.. Because what's the alternative? Sitting at home with his mum? Before you know it he'll have his feet under the table and the behaviour will get worse, until you don't recognise him at all.

There's two things you can do. Get rid. Or assert boundaries today. And stick to them. If you only want to see him once a week, fortnight whatever. Make it clear. If it was me, I'd make it clear that we are dating and I expect those days we see each other to be a date. Out for a meal, a walk, activity, whatever. It's not just him coming over and playing house, because it's a better alternative to festering in his mummy's spare bedroom. Don't allow him to get too comfortable. After a twenty year marriage you want to be valued, appreciated, treated well, you want effort. Six months in, with young kids from a previous marriage, should still be in the dating stages, not him trying to move in full time and throwing a tantrum when you want to prioritise time for yourself or the kids.

She has got rid! It’s now escalated to semi stalking.

Just thought OP, might be worthwhile engaging the help of a male friend, neighbour, relative to be in if he comes round again. He’d probably scarper pretty quick then.

Request a Claire's Law on him - he may have form with this and the police will be able to help support you.

Men like this are highly likely to turn physically violent towards their wives or partners, possibly fatally. I'll say it again - he is unhinged. There is no distance too far away from him.

Have seen that you have ended the relationship, good for you OP, and do take care. Get additional support help if you need it, if necessary call the police if he ends up trying to stalk you. Let the school know he must not have anything to do with your children. He sounds very odd, controlling, manipulative, overbearing, untrustworthy, and not ‘too nice’ at all.

I.e blocking no id calls-download an app called truecaller (I have an Android phone but im sure others have this or similar apps)

You can block spammers and no id callers

I have the free version (its a bit annoying to have to keep tapping the 'no thanks to the paid version') but it does what it says on the tin and blocks any numbers you dont want to hear from

(To the point I have to give dps number to the doctors or the app will block them if they try to phone me on their no id number)

A friend had the same issue with a bloke and she downloaded this and it helped with the unwanted numbers

Go to the police and hopefully they'll have a word to scare him off

If you genuinely think this, ring up and speak to the school (head/senco) and explain the situation and ask for advice. We had had this many times and arranged for parents to pick children up early/at a separate exit for a short period to avoid confrontation.