AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

You are vulnerable to this for some reason. I am too and have to be very careful.

You should have been repulsed (or acted on your repulsion) sooner.

start listening to your instincts more, if he frightens you, call the police.

Don’t doubt yourself anymore x x

I was going to comment that you’re just not that into him .
However after this update I’d end it .
He isn’t just keen or se you and you the opposite . He not respecting your boundaries or putting you first when you are unwell.
He is also calling you a lier and taking your choices away from you .
Tell him it’s over and mean it , tell him if he come near your home this weekend you will call the police .

He sounds unhinged.

If this was me, one text message telling him not to text you, call you, turn up at your house/school and if he does, you will report to the police. And if he continues, the log with police.

I think you have to tell him to stop contacting you or you'll call the police. It's harassment now and he's scaring you

I trust no self-proclaimed NiceGuy™ so he would be a no from me.

I’d txt him once more and say. You turned up at my home today and you have been harassing me by no caller I D .
Im telling you one last time. Do not come near me or my kids or our home. If you do I will call the police immediately .
I don’t want any contact with you . So stop .

OP I’m so glad you’ve acted! As I was reading through I was getting more and more worried for you - it sounded like you were going to make excuses for him and end up staying because you were scared.

I appreciate it’s going to feel easier now to cave to his demands, because it’s scary having a blood harassing you and turning up. He will try to guilt you, lovebomb you and potentially threaten you and your kids when he realises you are serious.

Stay strong, you have done the right thing. Practical steps now:

Log a call with 111 as he’s already shown signs of stalking and harassment

You have arranged to meet another mum to collect the kids - can you have someone come home with you, just in case he preempts this and decides to wait at your house rather than go to the school?

Let your neighbours know you have broken to with your boyfriend (send them a photo of him) and that he’s now harassing you, so if they see him turn up please call the police. If they ask them if you’re home, ask them to say your choice of they don’t know/you moved out/you’ve gone away on holiday and don’t know when you’re back

Tell your kids if they see him they are not to speak to him

Let friends/family know what is going on. If you can all stay with a friend or one can stay with you that would be a good idea

if there’s even the tiniest of remote chances he could have gotten a key cut for your place, change the locks.

Use a security chain at all times, or put something in front of the door.

If he turns up again, call the police. Don’t engage with him beyond, if you want to, telling him ONCE to leave. After you’ve told him once, don’t give him further chances. You made it clear on your message, so you absolutely do not need to even give him one chance before you call the police.

Let any calls go to voicemail (consider unblocking him if you want to gather evidence). If you unblock him, do not reply, do not read them, etc. ask a friend to review and say if you should show them to the police if necessary.

Yours and your children’s safety is paramount.

Once this settles down, it may be worth looking at the freedom program mentioned by someone else, as you have ignored a lot of red flags and have felt too scared to end things. Hopefully this can help stop you from being in this position again.

You’ve got this - keep posting if you want anonymous support. We will all be here for you.

"he says he will change and pleads with me" Red flag OP

Brilliant post!

Run as far and fast as you can from this man. Metaphorically speaking. I’ve lived this and it does not get better.

You've done the hardest part in messaging him.
Hold tight, do not renege on what you've said in your message.
You've got this.

Don’t be afraid to contact police if he keeps rocking up and/or calling you.

He isn't a nice guy, he is controlling, selfish and needy

End the relationship, tell him the relationship is not working for you and you do not want any contact or to discuss further.

You do not owe him more than that

He will try to contact you, block him. He will very soon meet someone else (it will be very soon) and will no doubt fall madly in love with them and he becomes their problem. Repeat and repeat again ....

Oh, FFS..... what a selfish, whiny man-child. Why am I not surprised he is living with his mother? End it now!

He made out I was lying so I didn’t have to see him so in the end I just let him come round to see how ill I was.

he shouldn’t have to ask me if he can come round.

This is where smothering and needy crosses into controlling and verbally abusive. Giant red flag.

He accused you of lying and badgered you until you gave in.

He thinks he has rights to your property. He thinks you're wrong to have boundaries.

He doesn't listen when you say no. Another giant red flag.

I'm glad to read you've broken up with him. Watch out for this one, he might not let go easily. Keep an eye out, change your locks, outdoor security camera, make sure you have your phone on you so you can record him if he tries to accost you.

A friend of mine has had a horrible time with an ex, and she's found the police very helpful so i'd echo contacting them for advice.

A PP suggested a Claire's Law request might be over the top, but given how full on he's become in quite a short time it might be worth considering. The friend i mentioned did and found her ex was known to the police for similar behaviour.

It's good you've alerted a friend who'll collect your dcs - do you have a close friend or relative who's nearby and could be on 'speed dial' if you need support?

I think as women we're conditioned to be kind/minimise/don't make a fuss - my friend's situation has made me realise just how determined some men can be, and how disinclined to accept 'no', so i honestly think better to be prepared for things to escalate and risk being called paranoid, than play down and risk being caught unawares.

I do hope he buggers off and leaves you in peace OP

That's very sensible of you.
I doubt if he'll pay attention to any boundaries you put down.
I am worried for you.

I think that you ought to ask the police for a Clare's Law disclosure. He's probably got the potential for stalking.

This could escalate to stalking and harassment.
Keep a log of everything and if he turns up again- anywhere- call the police.
I'm getting a bad whiff off him from here/...

Run, OP. You've been dating for 6 months and he's already behaving in such a way that he feels he needs to beg and promise to change.

You can't run fast enough.

It sounds like someone, with good intentions, tried to let him down gently by saying he was cheated on because he was "too nice", and he was stupid enough to believe it.

It now falls to you to tell him he's actually not very nice at all, he's overbearing and annoying.

I love it when MN collectively gets on the case. Hope you're ok, OP.

End it. This guy is way more dangerous than just telling him you need some space.

Your last paragraph here just screams controlling abuser. I had an ex where it started like this. Funny thing he also said his last relationship ended as she cheated. He got worse and worse with me to the point I felt I had no freedom. He would want to know where I was at all times, who I spoke to, logged onto my accounts by somehow changing passwords to check who I been speaking to online. He has a violent outburst at the end and I later found out from family he had said it was because I was cheating on him. I hadn't even flirted with anyone else, let alone cheated. Also found out he had done time for beating his exes before me, and is currently serving time for what he done to the next 1.

That guy had a slower build up to this point than your guy. A controlling, jealous and suffocating man is not a nice safe man. Please get out of this before your whole life and mental state is taken over

honey,
@Theopdore you KNOW This guy is bad news.

He’s not listening to you. He’s not respecting you.

ultimately - despite what he’s professing - he doesn’t care about you. Your needs/wants/feelings could not be further from his mind.

i bet he wasn’t even cheated on. I bet she ended it, he refused to accept it and she moved on anyway

youve tried to end this already and he won’t accept it. He’s trapping you with his controlling BS.

my love, you must end this, asap. Expect push back, make sure you’re safe at all times, get a ring camera or something

if he’s ever had access to a key, change your locks.

this guy could escalate, so keep your wits about you in case he does.

100% this @Theopdore

stay safe and please listen to this good advice from @WildLeader

Well done for taking such decisive action, OP. For the future: Any man who says he was cheated on because he is too nice is bad news. Men don’t get cheated on because they’re too nice but men who don’t really like women say that kind of thing. He sounds like he has some incel/toxic manosphere thinking. If he keeps trying to contact you, you should involve the police. You may also want to speak to the NCDV about a non-mol.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk