AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

"I know u want weekend to urself which I fully understand, coz u need to think things out"

He really thinks you want to be alone to think about him! 😂

He hasn't even give you 24 hours respite since his last one from Tiktok saying that he would leave you alone. You shouldn't need to send another message but I think just if you do need to go to the police you have made it absolutely crystal clear that you do not want any contact with him and this relationship is over dead and buried and will never be brought back to life. It should be obvious to any normal person just in case he tries to say I thought you just wanted some space which he clearly hasn't even given you anyway. At the moment he seem to be blaming it on you being busy with your kids.

I would unblock send the message somebody wrote further up the thread reblock. Then spend a little bit of time creating a log of how often and from what different sources he is contacting you, particularly after you said you want space.
I hope you get to enjoy your Easter break and this doesn't dominate everything

I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

He's not for you. All his intense behaviour, love bombing whatever is rubbish but the bottom line is what you've written. The right sort of relationship should have you looking forward to seeing someone, not dreading it.

Better to be alone than with the wrong person, throw this one back as they say on MN. As a side, I went out with someone like this and he was an abuser. It all started to come out after about 4 months together, ended with him trying to strangle me. Be very careful.

OP you need to stop engaging with him. And you need to make it cristal clear this is not a break or you needing time out, its you saying its over, and tell him you will have no choice but to go to the police if he carries on harassing you.

His reply to you is a huge red flag, firstly he is totally overriding what you have said and is turning this into him loving you etc, its not love, its a need. You filled a need and took it away, now he is letting you know he will wait for you, completely ignoring your wish to end things with him.

So stop engaging. Anyone here saying you need to call him or text him is wrong.

Him using work phones, or any other avenue to contact you is harassment, not a declaration of love.

I agree with everything people have been saying. My tuppence worth would be:

1. Get a camera watching and recording back and front of your house. Save any footage of him coming round.
2. Do not open the door unless you know in advance who is coming.
3. Create a folder with day/date/time of any time he interacts with u.
4. Print out with time stamp of any texts he sends u.
5. Screenshot and keep all the screenshots in a folder
6. Contact the police saying u feel threatened. He has done enough now to make it scary.
7. Get ready as other person mentioned, to get a solicitor. Just have one ready, incase u need an official letter sent.
8. Once final message is sent. Do not respond to anything. Record and report.
9. Be away if you can.

Using work phone? Oooo maybe work would be worth contacting to say could be please stop calling you on it. That would be embarrassing for him.

Be direct and unpleasant now. Men are very quick to be horrible when they need to be but women feel obliged to be nice and polite. Polite is done. Make yourself unattractive to him.

Sounds like what you want isn't aligned at the moment. I would put this fishie back in the sea.

Just dump him.

Jeez.

RTFT for heaven's sake.

She has.
RTFT

😮 this one is a nutter

It could be even more than embarrassing. His employer could well regard it as misconduct, which using work related equipment to stalk someone likely is. Even gross misconduct which is a potentially sackable offence. So I think the OP should consider the desired outcome before doing this...personally I think she should contact the police and take their advice on what to do next.

A spy hole for the front door could be useful.

Typical though isn’t it, OP is a single parent yet she has to spend out on devices etc to deter this mad man.

He is not ‘too nice ‘ (did he tell you that ? Maybe exGFs would have a different story?) he is clingy, controlling and possessive. Too many red flags here, he sounds desperate to get his feet under the table. Don’t start giving in to him and just letting him come round, he will take over your life. If you want four days to yourself, have four days to yourself. It sounds like there is only one way and that is his way. I would get rid now. Don’t let him plead for things to continue, stick to your guns, and if he won’t leave you alone, that is harassment, so you know what you need to do.

Years ago I had a relationship with a controlling and jealous man who I lived with. When I moved out, I got phone calls from him saying he’d stalk me at my office (he worked nearby) and where I’d moved to. I also got lots of silent phone calls. So I did same back to him on his landline, he didn’t like that. He wasn’t on Facebook, instagram wasn’t a thing, nor Tik tok, he didn’t like social media or even mobile phones but he had one.

Luckily all his threats were empty, I did actually bump into him near his work once, drunk and we got a hotel room (yes I know). After that though we left each other alone. I still needed Prozac and counselling after we ended it as he’d knocked my confidence through the floor. Didn’t date for ages after that.

Read the thread. She’s ended it.

Sorry. I’d read first couple pages then commented. As you do. I’ve now RTFT. He’s a looper and needs to be totally told. Then if he continues get the police involved.

This OP. Tell him you’ll report him to the police if he contacts you again.

Any contact with stalkers they interpret, usually, as positive - no matter what you actually say.
just bear that in mind going forward x

I don't need to read any more of this thread to say that you should absolutely walk away. He's controlling and insecure, and it just sounds ridiculous tbh. Imagine how this will pan out long term, if he doesn't believe you're poorly and still insists on seeing you to prove it - after just 6 months. You dread seeing him so just end it. Be clear and don't give in to his pleading, because he hasn't changed!

I was once in a similar situation with an ex and the police told me to write a message informing him that I had told him not to contact me and any further contact will be considered harassment.

Once you send that, if he turns up or contacts you again, you contact the police straight away and he’ll be in trouble.

Same.

Thank God you came along with your sage advice on page 31. No one else would have advised the OP to dump him until your suggestion.

That's a lot of red flags in one go! Accusing you of lying is obnoxious and unhealthy - this guy is trouble.