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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

926 replies

Theopdore · 01/04/2026 10:05

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

OP posts:
Bluedenimdoglover · 02/04/2026 14:16

Love bombing first, controlling next. I'd show him the door. You have doubts now, or you would not be posting here. He clearly has problems - don't make them yours.

BauhausOfEliott · 02/04/2026 14:27

Theopdore · 02/04/2026 10:16

I know u need time on ur own, which is fine, but for u to just cut me off, its so hard to take just out of nowhere, it would b nice if u could jus talk to me and let me know wats happening please, u know iv never loved anyone as much as u, I know u want weekend to urself which I fully understand, coz u need to think things out, but if I could have alf an hour of ur time over weekend jus to talk, it would nice, but jus a little txt would b fine to, u know wat I'm like babe, I can't jus give up on us, if it's just time and space uneed it's all good, but I'm in the dark abit here, i think a lot of u as u know, but I never thought u could jus cut me off, I love you so much and I know u love me to xxxxx

This is the absolute essence of controlling behaviour. “I know you want the weekend to yourself, but I also want to see you so you need let me come round for half an hour.” The sheer cognitive dissonance of that.

CruCru · 02/04/2026 14:29

Readytoescape · 02/04/2026 13:44

I think messaging him will make it worse, it will encourage more replies. You blocked him, you had told him previously. He knows. Block him on all social media, he shouldn’t be able to message you if you block him properly. If he knows you are reading his messages that will encourage him more. I hope he backs down and enjoy your peaceful time.

I agree. He is trying to find a way to make you engage with him. So it’s important that you don’t.

Keep a record of the messages he has been sending you and on which devices / numbers / apps.

SomethingUniqueThisTime · 02/04/2026 14:34

My advice would be to just keep blocking and ignoring him.
Whatever you say, he will keep coming back at you. He has no respect for your needs and boundaries, it’s all about him - every message he manages to send to you is confirmation that you made the right decision to end it.

tiptoethrutulips · 02/04/2026 14:40

GreenGodiva · 02/04/2026 13:05

I would reply “if you message me again I will be contacting the police as this is now harassment. Once again, I’ve told you to stop contacting me andI have blocked you where I can. But you are contacting me across multiple platforms and from different phone numbers. Stop all contact with me now or I will 100% report you to the police.

Yes, you really do need to make it clear in your message you've asked him to stop, he's doing work arounds to get to you, and you've warned him about calling the police. It's good, unambiguous evidence for down the line.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 02/04/2026 14:43

I’d be very clear: “Never contact me again, in any way shape or form. If you insist on repeatedly ignoring my request to be left alone, I will contact the police as this is harassment. I have blocked you on everything and yet you insist on contacting me from other numbers - you must stop now. The next time you contact me, I will speak to the police.”

This is super clear, includes his previous behaviour and had warned him.

This puts you in a strong position when/if you need to contact the police.

Wtafdidido · 02/04/2026 14:45

If you are one of the 2% of people who voted that OP is unreasonable please come on and tell us why!

YerMotherWasAHamster · 02/04/2026 14:58

Wtafdidido · 02/04/2026 14:45

If you are one of the 2% of people who voted that OP is unreasonable please come on and tell us why!

I fucking guarantee its some combination of

He sounds sweet
Be nice
Be kind
You've not really told him how you feel
Give him a chance
Teach him
He sounds ND
Men dont understand x, y, z

TheseWordsAreMine · 02/04/2026 15:01

I'd cut him out.

emilysquest · 02/04/2026 15:03

@Bluedenimdoglover you input isn't very helpful. She has already not just "shown him the door" but blocked him and told him not to contact her again. He has been trying to contact her from different numbers and has turned up at her house and sent her a controlling and rather sinister message about how he won't give up. It's gone way beyond showing him the door.

emilysquest · 02/04/2026 15:04

@TheseWordsAreMine have you read the thread?

TheseWordsAreMine · 02/04/2026 15:07

emilysquest · 02/04/2026 15:04

@TheseWordsAreMine have you read the thread?

Yes, why do you ask?

arethereanyleftatall · 02/04/2026 15:14

The reason I think the op should send a message, is because it’s moved on from the initial problem. The initial text was fine if read by a normal person who would accept it’s over. His actions since have shown he’s unhinged, as the op wasn’t aware of the extent of that at the time she sent the message. I would want to have the text as evidence if the harrassing continues and to try once more to extremely bluntly detail to him he is the problem, not the op.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/04/2026 15:15

@Theopdore

Well done for ending it. I do agree your message had one bit ("I need some space") that could be open to interpretation, but you did end it with 'please don’t try to contact me at all'. The problem is he's hanging on to the 'need some space' and interpreting it to mean "Oh, if she gets space it'll all be fine". I know, he's not actually giving you space, but that's not the point.

I'd say there are two options open to you. The first would be if the police would give him a call and tell him to stop contacting you. I'm not in the UK so I don't know at what point the police would intervene. The second would be to unblock him and send him a message that is absolutely clear then reblock him; "Apparently you did not understand my original message so I will make it clear to you. I have permanently ended our relationship. There will be no discussion. Do not contact me again in any way or I will report you to the police".

AcrossthePond55 · 02/04/2026 15:15

duplicate

AcrossthePond55 · 02/04/2026 15:15

triplicate

I need to be more patient with MN's lag in posting.

WildLeader · 02/04/2026 15:29

SunnyRedSnail · 02/04/2026 13:13

Ugh I think his literacy is enough to dump him on! Babe? As in the pig in the city?

Personally I would send one final reply as he requested. Something along the lines of:

<Name>, a few months ago I made it clear that you made me feel smothered and it made me feel uncomfortable. You said you would stop being so intense and change. Unfortunately this hasn't happened and you inviting yourself for the Easter weekend when I made it clear I wanted some space was the last straw. I'm sure you meant well but this relationship isn't for me. I hope you meet the right person one day. Again, there is nothing more to add, so please respect my wish for no more contact, as the constant messaging is exactly what makes me feel uncomfortable.

That gives him everything he needs.

Think this isn’t bad idea. But this really is the last communication from you.

i went out with a guy for a few weeks and he misunderstood something I texted and stonewalled me for 3 days. In the beginning he’d been intense, huge displays of affection and stuff, sweeping me off my feet etc.

i was a lot more fragile then and it freaked me out. When he spoke to me again, I said to him how that made me feel, how it’s unacceptable and that if he did it again, that would be it. Game over.

i can’t even remember what I supposedly did but he stonewalled me again. So that was it. When he got back in contact I told him that the relationship wasn’t working and I wasn’t going to see him anymore

so as I say, I ended it.

there were loads of messages sporadically saying “Thinking of you” they eventually dwindled to once a week. Every week.

he sent messages saying “HELP” late at night, hoping I’d bundle my small child into a car and come over to see him. Hard pass… never going to happen. So I called 999 and told them truthfully what was going on, but that he’d asked for help and perhaps if a car was passing they could pop in and do a welfare check.

note that I didn’t at any point reply to any of his messages, not even the help one. I just called the police.

i then got a message “police have just been, sorry to bother you”

the tipping point for me was that he returned a gift to my car, parked outside my house despite never having been to my home, never was invited and I never shared my address. He drove round my village until he found my car.

i. Called the police again, they were fab. Told him to back off and leave me alone

I still got weekly messages (ignored) for a good few months. I also had the odd email for years afterwards until I got one that said “you’ll be delighted to know I’m moving to Australia so you don’t need to worry about bumping into me in the village any more”

think that was it, but it was a long time after I’d dumped him. He did escalate a bit, but the police were there for me and he never came back to the house.

for now @Theopdore maintain silence, log and keep everything. Send that message and then nothing more. Then if he comes anywhere near you don’t hesitate to call the police. You probably are not at great risk, but you do need to be on your guard for now. Get a ring camera etc.

hope you’re not too freaked out by all this.

Imbusytodaysorry · 02/04/2026 15:31

Theopdore · 02/04/2026 10:16

I know u need time on ur own, which is fine, but for u to just cut me off, its so hard to take just out of nowhere, it would b nice if u could jus talk to me and let me know wats happening please, u know iv never loved anyone as much as u, I know u want weekend to urself which I fully understand, coz u need to think things out, but if I could have alf an hour of ur time over weekend jus to talk, it would nice, but jus a little txt would b fine to, u know wat I'm like babe, I can't jus give up on us, if it's just time and space uneed it's all good, but I'm in the dark abit here, i think a lot of u as u know, but I never thought u could jus cut me off, I love you so much and I know u love me to xxxxx

In his head that half hour is all he need to get you back on side .
You are doing the right thing not giving him an in.
He has now contacted you on one than more platform/number his is officially harassment. .
You blocked . He went elsewhere . You ignored . He went to a third place .
Maybe one last message . As if you have made it 100% clear it’s over and you don’t want contacted by , he then knows the consequences .
I’d call the police sooner rather than later , as you are not responding , he will appear at your home .

UtopiaPlanitia · 02/04/2026 15:54

Theopdore · 02/04/2026 10:16

I know u need time on ur own, which is fine, but for u to just cut me off, its so hard to take just out of nowhere, it would b nice if u could jus talk to me and let me know wats happening please, u know iv never loved anyone as much as u, I know u want weekend to urself which I fully understand, coz u need to think things out, but if I could have alf an hour of ur time over weekend jus to talk, it would nice, but jus a little txt would b fine to, u know wat I'm like babe, I can't jus give up on us, if it's just time and space uneed it's all good, but I'm in the dark abit here, i think a lot of u as u know, but I never thought u could jus cut me off, I love you so much and I know u love me to xxxxx

This guy sounds worryingly persistent and fixed in his thinking. There's useful information in The Gift of Fear on how to deal with stalkers, see chapter 8 below:

https://www.academia.edu/31891034/TheGiftofFear

The Gift of Fear

The Gift of Fear

https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear

AthenaIsMyName · 02/04/2026 16:09

Also, forgot to say please tell the POLICE the timeline from yesterday too :

You sent a message at 10h46

He was at YOUR DOOR at 11h09

He was already stalking you OP !!!

I repeat what I said yesterday :

NEW LOCKS
POLICE
PERSONAL ALARM

And keep a full timeline of all the calls, missed calls and messages too OP ... Texts, WhatsApp, Tik Tok, Social Media ... the lot!

Stay Strong. Stay Safe.

PhoebeFluffingtonFyffe · 02/04/2026 16:47

Theopdore · 01/04/2026 19:58

U ok first of all I want to apologise for coming to urs before but I was round the corner wen I get ur message and u blocked me on everything like I don’t exist no more, and wasnt expecting anything like that, so I jus wanted u to talk to me face to face, anyway that won’t happen again, I know ur struggling with the kids and u need some space I understand, and I’m not expecting a reply, these are jus things I want u to know, il b here waiting for you wenever ur ready, I’m heart broke if this the end😩😩, but u can get hold of me anytime u want, hopefully speak to you, hope u and the kids are ok to x

He sounds not only controlling, but about 11 years old.

AthenaIsMyName · 02/04/2026 17:03

AthenaIsMyName · 02/04/2026 16:09

Also, forgot to say please tell the POLICE the timeline from yesterday too :

You sent a message at 10h46

He was at YOUR DOOR at 11h09

He was already stalking you OP !!!

I repeat what I said yesterday :

NEW LOCKS
POLICE
PERSONAL ALARM

And keep a full timeline of all the calls, missed calls and messages too OP ... Texts, WhatsApp, Tik Tok, Social Media ... the lot!

Stay Strong. Stay Safe.

I tried to edit my post but it would not let me as just realised I had a typo with the timeline ...

CORRECT TIMELINE

You sent a message at 10h46

He was at YOUR DOOR at 11h05

(That is 19 minutes after you sent the TEXT)

He was already stalking you OP !!!

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I repeat what I said yesterday :

NEW LOCKS
POLICE
PERSONAL ALARM

And keep a full timeline of all the calls, missed calls and messages too OP ... Texts, WhatsApp, Tik Tok, Social Media ... the lot!

Stay Strong. Stay Safe.

LAMPS1 · 02/04/2026 17:04

he said he shouldn’t have to ask me if he can come round.

Oh dear.
Whatever gives him that crazy idea OP?

I’d tell him that your hard-earned home is your sanctuary and is under your sole management nobody else’s…and he should maybe try that idea out for himself.
Tell him he can come round whenever you invite him but until then, he should mind his manners.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/04/2026 17:24

Theopdore · 02/04/2026 10:16

I know u need time on ur own, which is fine, but for u to just cut me off, its so hard to take just out of nowhere, it would b nice if u could jus talk to me and let me know wats happening please, u know iv never loved anyone as much as u, I know u want weekend to urself which I fully understand, coz u need to think things out, but if I could have alf an hour of ur time over weekend jus to talk, it would nice, but jus a little txt would b fine to, u know wat I'm like babe, I can't jus give up on us, if it's just time and space uneed it's all good, but I'm in the dark abit here, i think a lot of u as u know, but I never thought u could jus cut me off, I love you so much and I know u love me to xxxxx

God, he sounds awful.

He knows you need your weekend on your own but still wants you to spend some of it making him feel better!? FFS

Restlessdreams1994 · 02/04/2026 17:24

Because you have clearly told him not to contact you, the repeated contact counts as harassment. Save all messages but don’t reply. Report to police via 101.

My ex did this and I was able to have him arrested and charged with stalking and harassment. He left me alone after that!

Keep safe in the meantime, OP. I know how frightening this can be x