AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

Stage 5 Cling-On

what does he do for a job OP?

Hope you're ok, OP. Phone police if he comes to your house again or you feel scared. You've done the right thing.

Agree with this. Also work - to look out for him physically and to be cautious with phone calls. Please up you security - get a dash cam that records 24/7 on your car and a ring doorbell.

Expect the suicide threats or another emergency / crisis to start soon. Do not respond to him. If you are concerned call 999 to do a welfare check - it’s one for professionals.

I am concerned that the long weekend will mean he has too much time on his hands to ruminate and escalate. Make sure your neighbours know he is bothersome.

I am ok sorry was just having a nap as I didn’t sleep much last night and I am off work today.

I would reply “if you message me again I will be contacting the police as this is now harassment. Once again, I’ve told you to stop contacting me andI have blocked you where I can. But you are contacting me across multiple platforms and from different phone numbers. Stop all contact with me now or I will 100% report you to the police.

Ugh I think his literacy is enough to dump him on! Babe? As in the pig in the city?

Personally I would send one final reply as he requested. Something along the lines of:

<Name>, a few months ago I made it clear that you made me feel smothered and it made me feel uncomfortable. You said you would stop being so intense and change. Unfortunately this hasn't happened and you inviting yourself for the Easter weekend when I made it clear I wanted some space was the last straw. I'm sure you meant well but this relationship isn't for me. I hope you meet the right person one day. Again, there is nothing more to add, so please respect my wish for no more contact, as the constant messaging is exactly what makes me feel uncomfortable.

That gives him everything he needs.

Just to reiterate that the National Stalking Helpline is the most knowledgeable agency to get advice about whether you should send a further message and what wording to use if so. They are also immensely helpful in advising how to get the police to take you seriously.

https://www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

You need to do what the police officer suggests earlier in thread.

Perhaps with a link to adult literacy classes. (Joke, but eww.)

He probably wants to move out of mummy’s house!

I would end it, turn off your phone and do whatever it is you’d like to do in peace. Enjoy the Easter break.

I agree one last text to send this. You can’t report him until you have made it clear you do not want to hear from him again. It seems it needs to be spelled out to him.

Agree about the literacy - urgh. He sounds like a halfwit.

Don't agree about contacting him again. I guarantee he won't actually read what she says but will just see it as her responding, therefore still open to persuasion by him.

Agree with previous posters, I don’t think your initial message was clear enough actually. Saying you want space usually means ‘for now’ and so asking him to not contact you has also been read in that light, especially for someone who will want to see it that way. I’m not saying he would take a final message as final, but I think you need to be unambiguous about the relationship being over, and you not wanting to hear from him ever again, in order to treat future contact as harassment.

Hope you're doing ok OP.

I would send one message simply saying "our relationship is over for good, please do not attempt to contact me or turn up at my house again or I will be involving the Police"

As others are saying, anything after this is harassment as you have made it perfectly clear

Good luck and hopefully you can enjoy your weekend with your DC's

Not read all of the replies. He wants you to engage with him so that he has the opportunity to manipulate you.

It's hard because usually the best thing to do is to not engage. But he knows where you live. He knows your kids. He knows what school they go to...

I would send him one last text making it clear that it is one last text. Tell him that you have asked him several times to give you space. He did not do that, he chose to manipulate you instead. Spell out that you will not engage with him further and if he tries to come near you, your children or your house then you will have no choice but to go to the police for harassment. Possibly harassment and molestation*.

My ex gave me a week to leave after I got pregnant. I didn't drive, worked full time and was ill so struggled to get all my stuff out of the flat which was miles from my family. I emailed him a few times about collecting stuff (he'd previously agreed to give me more time as he wasn't "a complete twat" his words. Wrong), but he was being evasive and awkward. The next thing, I get a letter from his solicitor threatening me with harassment and molestation if I continued to contact their client. I took my evidence to my solicitor and his solicitor apologised as they had not been informed by their client that I'd only contacted him regarding my stuff and me saying that I'd never stop him having a relationship with the baby should he ever change his mind. (He didn't. He moved to Oman to avoid the CSA! 🤦🏼‍♀️).

Hope you and the kids are okay. Hopefully it doesn't escalate.

This is insulting to halfwits.

Exactly this.
You need to end this now. 6 months into a relationship should be fun and exciting, not a time for trying to think of ways to put him off. There are so many red flags with him. End it now and forget about trying to change him. He has shown his true colours.

I think messaging him will make it worse, it will encourage more replies. You blocked him, you had told him previously. He knows. Block him on all social media, he shouldn’t be able to message you if you block him properly. If he knows you are reading his messages that will encourage him more. I hope he backs down and enjoy your peaceful time.

God, after reading the updates he sounds like a nightmare. Are you engaging in conversation with him? It sounds like he thinks you’re just having a bit of a moment and will come to your senses. I think you need to send one final message and say “the relationship is over. I do not want you to contact me at all. I feel harassed. Leave me alone”.
If he still continues after that I’d go to the police.

^^ this!

OP, let someone in real life know what is happening. This nut case knows you will be alone this weekend. Make sure your home security is good. If I was you I would call the local police and ask them to warn him off. I am worried for you as I think he is dangerous.

It is clear he will not stop.

You need to now message him sayingyour relationship is over. I do not want to be with you. Do not contact me either directly or indirectly. If I get any more messages from you, you send a message through a third party or you try to come to my house or anywhere you know I will be, I will report you to the police.

The reason you need to be so specific is your message will serve as the formal request he had from you to never contact you again. It is the starting point of any legal action and it is vital to send.

This. The fact he is going to so much effort to use different numbers and media shows he will not stop. You need to send a clear message saying not to, via any means, and that you will contact the police if he does. Then it is clear to the police that you have tried and that contact is unwanted. Save all the messages as evidence of harassment.

This message is perfect. I would send that and then reblock and make sure you block the work phone too.
Normally I would never ever recommend re-engaging but I agree with previous posters you need to make it completely and utterly clear there’s no hope you’ll “come around” after a bit of time apart. The message you sent, whilst excellent, does open with the suggestion that you just need a bit of space. This will be the prominent part of the text for him with his disordered thinking.

@Theopdore have you done anything to keep yourself safe, like call the National Stalking Helpline, order a Ring doorbell, any of the other helpful suggestions people have mentioned? Everyone who has read this thread is in agreement that you were right to end the relationship and we can definitely agree that you need to make sure you and your children are safe now. I would hate to think that you are stringing this thread along with occasional dramatic update when you have got a lot of people concerned for your welfare. Stay safe x