AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

We are here in the real world. The OP has told him in no uncertain terms not to contact her. Since then he has:

Tried to call/message and found out he was blocked
So then tried to call multiple times from unknown numbers
He then turned up at her house
OP felt that there was a strong possibility he would turn up at the kids school so had to arrange for someone else to collect the kids
He has then messaged her on Tik Tok because he wasn’t blocked on there
He has then messaged her, after acknowledging she didn’t want to be contacted by him, via his work mobile
He has then sent another message (not sure which number from)

The wording of his messages is clear that he isn’t going to stop.

Does she need to wait to be murdered by him to consider getting the police involved? At what level of stalking and harassment do YOU think she should go to the police. Given it’s clear she feels unsafe as well. And she has kids who know him, and he knows their school.

His 'i'm not giving up on us' waves more red flags than a Communist convention.

I'd send one last very clear message - "I do not want to continue in a relationship with you. Do not contact me in any way again - if you do i will consider it harrasment and report to the police. Leave me alone."

Anything further from him - police. And make sure you have screenshots of his messages & a timeline of his behaviour.

I agree with others - reply and say "please don't contact me again at all" so there is no room for him to pretend he didn't know.

Have you thought of doing a Claire's Law on him OP? My first thought when a man says he is too nice and was dumped for being too nice is that any new girlfriend should do a Claire's Law request because nice people don't say things like that. I would contact given what's going on, get it logged and request it.

I don’t know how I can make myself any clearer, I have no interest in continuing a relationship of any kind. I do not want to discuss it. I do not wish to see or hear from you again. Do not text, do not call, do not turn up at my house. Any further attempts will be reported to the Police.

I would go to the police honestly this man is harassing you. I despise men like this he has no right to a relationship with you, you've repeatedly asked him to leave you alone and he's disregarded everything you've said. Total nut job

Exactly. Thank you.

Op, I worked with prisoners . many of them were stalkers, battered their partners to death or sexually abused them. All of them had orders that forbid them to get anywhere near their exes or their children.Every post you add, the more red flags show up.

This is not a clingy man your brother can deal with, this not a man you can hide from at school pick up all the time. He is not respecting or accepting or even acknowledging anything you have told him at all. Call the police, better to cut it on the bud now he is pestering you so much. I bet you are not the first one or will be the last one so pick up that phone for your sake and the sake of your children.

I posted this before I had caught up. But I'm leaving it here ..
THIS!
Absolutely.
Reading about him creeps me out.
If his behaviour is already this controlling, and, yes, emotionally abusive, believe me as time goes on it will only escalate.
He wants to make you disappear.
It is imperative you get out of this relationship. And to think of some plans to put in place to help you.
Ask on here!

I think @ReadingCrimeFiction mocked up response will be perfect OP.

It clearly informs him the relationship is 100% over, this is not a request for space or time to think. And he is to not contact you again under any circumstance or you will report him to the police.
As the Police Officer has kindly pointed out the Crown Prosecution Service would require a text like this to escalate further if needed.

I'm afraid tho you'll either have to unblock him, paste the response, send and block again. Or reply on TikTok, then block that. Do not engage with him on the work phone as the arguement is he is not to be using his work phone like this.

Contact the non-emergency police.

Do not.contact him directly yourself

That's it isn't it - all this at his age after just 6 months, not going to be his first rodeo and he's not learnt. Needs to be taken really seriously. Everything about the messages and the ways he's trying to get round being blocked are worrying, especially on top of the possessive behaviour shown before being dumped.

He is making it very, very clear that he has no respect for you and is not listening to you and will not leave you alone. He is literally saying that.

One text about how you dont want any form of contact with him and if he does, you're going to the police, and do it when he inevitably contacts you.

Run. You are definitely doing the right thing cutting him off. The fact he's talking the talk and then still finding multiple ways to contact you whilst giving it the "I know you need time...." all the red flags you need.

I would log it with 101 which feels like an overreaction in a lot of ways but 'nice men' are adamant that they just need to keep proving how nice they are and you have the history on the record should you need to call them to even move him on if possible.

Might be worth asking for a Claires law application into him too

What an unedifying and repulsive combination of neediness and arrogance. His constant messages are now in the stalking category of unwanted contact so you need to tell him to stop the messages or you will contact the police.

Experienced insight by @AnotherNameChange1234567 and final message suggestion by @ReadingCrimeFiction is changing my mind re no re-engagement.

I get that you need clear, indisputable evidence if you need to escalate formally.

You told him ages ago that he was smothering you and he agreed to change. That was his verbal warning.
He hasn't changed so you sent him a very clear text explaining again your position.
That was his final written warning.

I think your original message is mostly clear, the only thing is where it starts with 'I need space,' that is generally taken to mean a break, and I wonder if he's just clung on to that part of the message and ignored the rest of it that he doesn't want to hear. In my experience with similar men, any slight glimmer of hope, however faint or unintended, gives them an in - that is why I personally would send a very clear: 'It is over for good. Leave me alone or I will contact the police' or something similar.

So many red flags. One things for certain, he wasn’t dumped previously for being too nice. These messages are harassing, an attempt to gaslight you into thinking the issue is your needing space and “getting back to happy” not the fact you have chosen to no longer be with him.

agree - one final - very - clear message to desist, and not come to your home, with a warning that police involvement follows.

you are very very right to ditch this one.

Ok, previously youve explained you needed space and he ignored you. Even though you said it was a deal breaker issue

When you went out with your friends he tried to control you with guilt

When I got so much you not only dumped him but blocked him. He rang on a withheld number. Immediately came to your home. Sent a message on another number. Tiktoked you and is now using a work phone to harass you.

The first message on the work phone ", I'm not giving up on us yet" excuse me? Hes not giving up?!?! This is 101 territory and now this message...

He says he doesn't know whats happening - he does hes been dumped

Its not out of no where - you told him if he didnt stop being a stage 5 clinger this would happen and he ignored you

He says he knows you just need time to yourself - thats only now something he may consider respecting because youve told him its over. Just saying no wasnt enough. "Threatening" to separate if he couldnt accept that wasnt enough. Its only now hes dumped hed give it. (Unless youll see him for 30 mins to talk... or just a text)

Hes not in the dark and you dont need to think things through. You need your wine and your cat.

Hes now trying to manipulate you with his hurt and all the feels.

You need the police.

I'd feel happier if I knew the op was safe right now... nothing for quite a while from her. Hopefully just busy/at work.

I agree with others about one last short text (not a conversation) confirming it's over, no more contact and warning about going to the Police. We won't stop until he's clear it's over.

Sadly, I doubt that will be the end of it, but then you go to the Police and have absolutely no more contact.

This message clear and blunt so if he does the police have you messaging him in writing don’t contact me and he would have gone against it.

From what you have said , I get a feeling you will not be back tracking which is good . Please stay strong and don’t let him guilt trip you . He will never change , he is not respecting your decision- he’s actively going out of his way to continue contacting you and not seeing that the fact you have blocked him means you’re serious and that’s concerning.

I had an ex like this. We lived together and I wanted to end it for a long time and he would just ignore what I said and guilt trip me , be overly nice and just not go. Eventually, I had enough and did end it. He wouldn’t take it - long story short I ended up having to leave my home and get a restraining order against him . He came to my mother’s home where I was staying and I had to call the police. He came to my place of work and caused a scene and I had to call the police. Months later I met someone new and he followed us and tried to make a scene again - however, my new partner scared him off and it stopped- but it was an awful time and it all started just like this.

Sorry but the semi literate texting would give me the massive ick.

Also do not meet him for half an hour, it's over. You warned him, you have him chances, now you owe him nothing. He just wants a go at manipulating you. There is nothing to be gained from it for either of you.

Our relationship is over. Do not contact me again. If you do, I will report to the police.

That's all you need to send. But your wording on your message was a bit ambiguous with the taking space and you need to be crystal clear that the relationship is over, there is to be no contact, and what you will do if he continues. Then report him if he does continue. He's into harassment and stalking territory.