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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

926 replies

Theopdore · 01/04/2026 10:05

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

OP posts:
VimtoDemon · 02/04/2026 10:39

As some other have said, one last reply.

Clearly state in no uncertain terms that you needed space, he didn't give it and being suffocated is not a loving relationship. It's over please don't contact me again via ANY platform or in person or you will be forced to seek legal advice and speak to the police about harassment.

Good luck girl! 🍀

fouroclockrock · 02/04/2026 10:39

Not everyone is brave enough to contact the police. The op has posted his updates but is not responding to suggestions (including mine) to consider police. In some cases it does work to have someone else have a firm word, even if it isnt ‘uninformed advice’.

JanBlues2026 · 02/04/2026 10:39

Picklelily99 · 02/04/2026 10:35

So now the pleading and the bombardment starts; how long before the anger comes, and the verbal attacks?

Yep then the suicide threats

madwomanintheatticc · 02/04/2026 10:40

JanBlues2026 · 02/04/2026 10:19

I think I actually would send one last message to him, I sort of agree with the pp who said you should clearly state the relationship is over, you want no contact from him EVER and what he is doing is harassment and stalking behaviour. I would want to have it in writing that can not be open to interpretation so that if anything escalates I can go to the police and he can’t talk his way around it.

I agree.

1 more message from you. Tell him it is over, it’s not up for discussion or negotiation. I do not want you to contact me again. I have explained to you many times what the problem is. You do not listen. I do not want to see you again. Do not contact me again on any number or any platform. Do not come to my house. I will not be responding again.

Madformaltesers · 02/04/2026 10:40

Time to be blunt and block again

HashtagLurky · 02/04/2026 10:40

OP, you are doing the right thing by not responding. Ignore people asking you to send "one clear message" - NO. You were not ambiguous, he is listening to the voices in his head, NOT what you've been clearly saying for months. Any message now reinforces his beliefs that constant harassment gets him your attention. Go to the police: he is escalating. You have solid evidence that he is delusional and stalking you.

No Contact is the only way to go with obsessive men who cannot understand the word "no" in any language or context. I wish you the very best of luck. Safeguard your children, safeguard yourself and safeguard your cat.

SupervisorySpecialAgent · 02/04/2026 10:41

fouroclockrock · 02/04/2026 10:39

Not everyone is brave enough to contact the police. The op has posted his updates but is not responding to suggestions (including mine) to consider police. In some cases it does work to have someone else have a firm word, even if it isnt ‘uninformed advice’.

I think it’s more a case of looking at the bigger legal picture. Her ex could then say the brother is harassing him and it could get very messy legally speaking. There needs to be one final message to make the legal position clear and then absolutely no response from OP or her family/friends

Newbestmate · 02/04/2026 10:41

He’s setting you up for his narrative of ‘I don’t know why she broke up with me. She blocked me on everything and wouldn’t even give me half an hour to explain why. Guess I’m just too nice… blah blah blah’

You can’t win either way so keep quiet, keep blocking and move on!

Doesn’t sound like you have mutual friends so just make sure the people in your life know you gave him plenty of chances and he kept over stepping.

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 02/04/2026 10:42

please dont involve your family in this. 1 message to CLEARLY say that the relationship is over, no more contact of any type and if he does it is harrassment and you will involve the police.

Tahlbias · 02/04/2026 10:42

Theopdore · 02/04/2026 10:16

I know u need time on ur own, which is fine, but for u to just cut me off, its so hard to take just out of nowhere, it would b nice if u could jus talk to me and let me know wats happening please, u know iv never loved anyone as much as u, I know u want weekend to urself which I fully understand, coz u need to think things out, but if I could have alf an hour of ur time over weekend jus to talk, it would nice, but jus a little txt would b fine to, u know wat I'm like babe, I can't jus give up on us, if it's just time and space uneed it's all good, but I'm in the dark abit here, i think a lot of u as u know, but I never thought u could jus cut me off, I love you so much and I know u love me to xxxxx

I would be brutally honest with him and say it is over and not to contact you again. That's the only way he is going to get the message. If he doesn't get the message, then I would consider talking to the police for advice.

TwoBagsOfCompost · 02/04/2026 10:46

MissCooCooMcgoo · 02/04/2026 10:25

He is not in the dark!

One final message. Really really clear and blunt.

"We are over. I do not love you. Do not call, message or come round to my property or the police will be called"

100% do this, but please also get security lights and Ring cameras at your front door and garden (if you have one). Get a Clares Law search too. Please take this seriously especially as he knows your kids' school.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 02/04/2026 10:47

OMG why do these men believe that they're owed a relationship?

@Theopdore ignore this creep and either go to a police station and talk to an officer there, or call 101 and do it over the phone, or make an online complaint.

Whatever way you do this, you must get some protection from this man.

ReadingCrimeFiction · 02/04/2026 10:49

I am in the "one final message" camp. NOT because I think it will make a difference to him but so that if (when) he continues to stalk and harass you, you can point to a 100% clear, no ambiguity message when you inevitably have to go to the police.

"I exlained why I was struggling and asked for space weeks ago. Nothing changed. I told you yesterday that as a result I was not able to continue this relationship and that you were suffocating me and asked you not to contact me. You have sent me multiple messages, from different devices, and you have come to my home. This shows me that you absolutely are not capable of understanding my need for space.

"This relationship is over. I am sorry that will hurt you but that is my final decision. Please do not contact me or come to my house again. I wish you well in the future."

cestlavielife · 02/04/2026 10:50

Dont explain. Clear message.

This relationship is over. Do not contact me again.

No explanation no opportunity for him to say he will change.
Safety in place. Ring doorbell fitted today you can get from argos
If he comes to door call 999

LadyVioletBridgerton · 02/04/2026 10:51

It definitely sounds like too much too soon and I’ve experienced the same. I dumped someone once because he bought me too many Christmas presents, it felt like love bombing. He bought me about 30 and we’d been seeing each other about 3 weeks 😮

LeBonBon · 02/04/2026 10:51

I agree with PPs that say one last message needs to be sent.

It is clear you have understood NOTHING as here you are, still messaging and asking for my time despite me asking for space multiple times.

It's over. Please do not contact me ever again, I do not want to continue this relationship.

If that is ignored, police time.

cestlavielife · 02/04/2026 10:52

This i have over door no screws needed and battery ring basic model from argos
amzn.eu/d/07Obu9Lz

Blogswife · 02/04/2026 10:52

Far too clingy, enjoy this time to do what you want when you want . I was single for 10 years after my divorce. It was one of the happiest times of my life.

cestlavielife · 02/04/2026 10:53

This is all that is needed.

It's over. Please do not contact me ever again, I do not want to continue this relationship.

Myneighbourisanosyoldgit · 02/04/2026 10:54

Sending one last message is a huge mistake.
You could be polite with it or tell him to fuck himself big time, ever way it is communication and he will think it's reason to engage with you and try to wheedle his way back.
Blocking on everything and NO contact is the way forward. Yoy don't owe him anything explanations, nice excuses, wishing him well? WTAF?

CurtsyFriends · 02/04/2026 10:55

Ugh he is a full on stage five clinger!

You were right to end things. I do think he needs to be told clearly in no uncertain terms. Then you are not leaving any glimmer of hope or something that can be misinterpreted.

“Bob, I asked you for space and for you not to contact me. You didn’t do this and instead you tried to contact me on multiple different platforms and even came to my house. This shows me that we are not compatible and the relationship is now over. There will be no second chances. Do not contact me again in any way or approach me, my house or family in person. If you do, I will contact the police.”

LeBonBon · 02/04/2026 10:56

His last message has really made me mad on your behalf @Theopdore - just complete self-absorption. 'I understand you need space but what about me me me!'

At 38 he's a lost cause

Tillow4ever · 02/04/2026 10:56

How did he get that second message to you after the work phone one? Was it the work phone again (if so, block it now) or has he used yet another number?

The messages you’ve shared this morning are chilling. He’s getting more and more unhinged and desperate because he’s beginning to realise you aren’t caving this time. When it hits him that you are serious, this is over and you won’t respond he will turn aggressive. This isn’t an “if” or “maybe” it’s a “when” and “he will” situation.

I posted on here making some safety suggestions yesterday. I would add to it about the video doorbell. Yesterday’s suggestions were ones you could implement immediately.

When he turned up at your house yesterday, do you have any reason to think he would legitimately have been just around the corner when you messaged? Or is it possible he was already stalking/watching you before this?

You seem hesitant to involve the police, but you need to think about your kids. You don’t want them coming home to find your dead body when he escalates. I’m not saying that to be nasty, I’m saying it to remind you of what’s on the line here - your life. Have you seen the tv series “You”? Or series like “Criminal Minds”? It’s depicted on tv a lot how stalkers turn into killers - if they can’t have you no-one can type of mentality. They aren’t rational. If they were, they wouldn’t be stalking their victim,

He’s initially told you he understands you need space and that he’ll give it to you. Then he text you from a different number. And then he’s messaged again. This man doesn’t care what you want.

Please, please call the police. They won’t think you are wasting their time - and maybe a chat from them will stop him… or maybe he will continue and you’ll have to call them again and he’ll be arrested. But you need to get this logged with them so when he escalates, your call isn’t the first report which might involve letting him go with a caution.

Look after yourself. Screenshot everything he sends, make notes of the numbers, if he turns up try to record it. Have exit routes planned for your house. Have friends you can call for help ready. If your brother can come and stay for a few days he should, even if that means you don’t get your peace and quiet. If you can find someone to look after yourself cat, get away for a few days. Definitely leave a video doorbell recording activity though!

ReadingCrimeFiction · 02/04/2026 10:57

Also, just to say you have 100% done the right thing. I wish with all my heart that SIL had done this when her ex displayed this sort of behaviour at the start of their relationship (even down to the almost incoherent texting. Honestly, if the details of the man involvevd weren't different I'd seriously wonder if you were dating her ex).

Well done for being strong now.