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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

926 replies

Theopdore · 01/04/2026 10:05

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

OP posts:
Mangelwurzelfortea · 02/04/2026 10:06

Don't respond to anything. It's pointless. Just block him on everything and report to the police if it escalates.

SupervisorySpecialAgent · 02/04/2026 10:09

WotthehellMehitabel · 02/04/2026 09:02

This is the pleading stage. I can promise you the next stage, when he realises you're not playing ball, will be the angry and threatening one... possibly threats to self-harm...

I don't like the sound of that 'I'm not giving up on us'. As if you have no say in this! I agree with the PP who said you need to do some work on your own boundaries.

I completely agree with this. The next stage will be anger when his pleading is not working. Don’t let that put you off though OP. Keep strong and do not feel bad for him.

Original poster
Theopdore · 02/04/2026 10:16

I know u need time on ur own, which is fine, but for u to just cut me off, its so hard to take just out of nowhere, it would b nice if u could jus talk to me and let me know wats happening please, u know iv never loved anyone as much as u, I know u want weekend to urself which I fully understand, coz u need to think things out, but if I could have alf an hour of ur time over weekend jus to talk, it would nice, but jus a little txt would b fine to, u know wat I'm like babe, I can't jus give up on us, if it's just time and space uneed it's all good, but I'm in the dark abit here, i think a lot of u as u know, but I never thought u could jus cut me off, I love you so much and I know u love me to xxxxx

OP posts:
Luluissleeping · 02/04/2026 10:19

Theopdore · 02/04/2026 10:16

I know u need time on ur own, which is fine, but for u to just cut me off, its so hard to take just out of nowhere, it would b nice if u could jus talk to me and let me know wats happening please, u know iv never loved anyone as much as u, I know u want weekend to urself which I fully understand, coz u need to think things out, but if I could have alf an hour of ur time over weekend jus to talk, it would nice, but jus a little txt would b fine to, u know wat I'm like babe, I can't jus give up on us, if it's just time and space uneed it's all good, but I'm in the dark abit here, i think a lot of u as u know, but I never thought u could jus cut me off, I love you so much and I know u love me to xxxxx

Bloody hell. Time for the police.

JanBlues2026 · 02/04/2026 10:19

I think I actually would send one last message to him, I sort of agree with the pp who said you should clearly state the relationship is over, you want no contact from him EVER and what he is doing is harassment and stalking behaviour. I would want to have it in writing that can not be open to interpretation so that if anything escalates I can go to the police and he can’t talk his way around it.

TrashHeap · 02/04/2026 10:19

Theopdore · 02/04/2026 10:16

I know u need time on ur own, which is fine, but for u to just cut me off, its so hard to take just out of nowhere, it would b nice if u could jus talk to me and let me know wats happening please, u know iv never loved anyone as much as u, I know u want weekend to urself which I fully understand, coz u need to think things out, but if I could have alf an hour of ur time over weekend jus to talk, it would nice, but jus a little txt would b fine to, u know wat I'm like babe, I can't jus give up on us, if it's just time and space uneed it's all good, but I'm in the dark abit here, i think a lot of u as u know, but I never thought u could jus cut me off, I love you so much and I know u love me to xxxxx

CALL THE POLICE.

This is ridiculous. He won't stop.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 02/04/2026 10:20

Ask the police to tell him to back off. He will not pay any attention to you.

SupervisorySpecialAgent · 02/04/2026 10:21

JanBlues2026 · 02/04/2026 10:19

I think I actually would send one last message to him, I sort of agree with the pp who said you should clearly state the relationship is over, you want no contact from him EVER and what he is doing is harassment and stalking behaviour. I would want to have it in writing that can not be open to interpretation so that if anything escalates I can go to the police and he can’t talk his way around it.

I think I agree with this. Make it explicitly clear that it is over and you won’t be reconsidering OP. Then the message is loud and clear and he can’t try to say that he’s “in the dark”

throwawayimplantchat · 02/04/2026 10:25

Theopdore · 02/04/2026 10:16

I know u need time on ur own, which is fine, but for u to just cut me off, its so hard to take just out of nowhere, it would b nice if u could jus talk to me and let me know wats happening please, u know iv never loved anyone as much as u, I know u want weekend to urself which I fully understand, coz u need to think things out, but if I could have alf an hour of ur time over weekend jus to talk, it would nice, but jus a little txt would b fine to, u know wat I'm like babe, I can't jus give up on us, if it's just time and space uneed it's all good, but I'm in the dark abit here, i think a lot of u as u know, but I never thought u could jus cut me off, I love you so much and I know u love me to xxxxx

“I don’t want to continue being in touch, please don’t contact me again.”

Then police if he does. Sorry OP. He won’t stop otherwise and your duty of care is to your kids and as they live with you, you need to take this seriously as he will almost certainly come over if he doesn’t get a scare from the police.

MissCooCooMcgoo · 02/04/2026 10:25

Theopdore · 02/04/2026 10:16

I know u need time on ur own, which is fine, but for u to just cut me off, its so hard to take just out of nowhere, it would b nice if u could jus talk to me and let me know wats happening please, u know iv never loved anyone as much as u, I know u want weekend to urself which I fully understand, coz u need to think things out, but if I could have alf an hour of ur time over weekend jus to talk, it would nice, but jus a little txt would b fine to, u know wat I'm like babe, I can't jus give up on us, if it's just time and space uneed it's all good, but I'm in the dark abit here, i think a lot of u as u know, but I never thought u could jus cut me off, I love you so much and I know u love me to xxxxx

He is not in the dark!

One final message. Really really clear and blunt.

"We are over. I do not love you. Do not call, message or come round to my property or the police will be called"

ApplesAreAmazing · 02/04/2026 10:25

Reply - The relationship is over, and I feel relieved, I am sorry I've hurt you, but this is my final decision. Do not contact me again, ever, and that includes coming to my house.
This feels like harassment, and if it continues I will report it to the police. Please leave me alone now, I am not changing my mind.

DancingFerret · 02/04/2026 10:25

OP, whatever course of action you take to shut this down (straight to the police or police after last warning), you need to do it.

He's unstable, a stalker, and unpredictable - and you really don't want to be the subject of a headline in the Daily Mail (because this is the way it's going).

ApplesAreAmazing · 02/04/2026 10:26

Or ask you brother to phone him, and tell him that it needs to stop, you're not interested.

Zonder · 02/04/2026 10:27

JanBlues2026 · 02/04/2026 10:19

I think I actually would send one last message to him, I sort of agree with the pp who said you should clearly state the relationship is over, you want no contact from him EVER and what he is doing is harassment and stalking behaviour. I would want to have it in writing that can not be open to interpretation so that if anything escalates I can go to the police and he can’t talk his way around it.

This is what I think. I know op has been firm but he still thinks there's hope. I would clearly say something like I've asked for space for months and you disregarded it. You're not giving me space now. This is the end.

bigboykitty · 02/04/2026 10:28

Please do not respond. Please take advice from the police or the National Stalking Helpline (I linked earlier) as to whether the message you have already sent is sufficient, or whether you need to send a further message. Be guided by them, not strangers on the internet, many of whom know nothing about stalking.

He is pleading, and posters who say next will come the threats are quite right.

MissCooCooMcgoo · 02/04/2026 10:28

Zonder · 02/04/2026 10:27

This is what I think. I know op has been firm but he still thinks there's hope. I would clearly say something like I've asked for space for months and you disregarded it. You're not giving me space now. This is the end.

Show quote history

Fully agree but the op needs to give no justification for him to try to argue back to.

Very clear and simple. We are over. Do not contact me in any way ever again.

SupervisorySpecialAgent · 02/04/2026 10:29

I would keep the message short, non-emotional and very curt. Such as:

Our relationship is over. Do not contact me directly or indirectly.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 02/04/2026 10:29

bigboykitty · 02/04/2026 10:28

Please do not respond. Please take advice from the police or the National Stalking Helpline (I linked earlier) as to whether the message you have already sent is sufficient, or whether you need to send a further message. Be guided by them, not strangers on the internet, many of whom know nothing about stalking.

He is pleading, and posters who say next will come the threats are quite right.

Yes, this. It's not that you haven't been firm enough, it's not that you haven't been clear enough - there is no final message that's going to get through to him because he is not listening and only cares about what he feels.

AlongtheWall · 02/04/2026 10:32

diamondradicchio · 02/04/2026 09:43

People are focusing on details and semantics because her message was not clear, or concise, or upfront, and left plenty of loopholes for him to misinterpret there was still hope if he promised to change.

At no point did she clearly say, It is over. I am ending this relationship. She justy sounds as if she's in a temporary strop in her message. "Do not contact me again" in this context just sounds like a moment of bad temper, or an attempt at game playing.

Clearly he is not of sound mind or very bright, but a clear and simple message would be more effective. Not one that allows room for interpretation. Oh, you said I didn't change, and therefore you're cross - but I will change! etc.

I need some space, do not try to contact me or come round - does not say it's over. Then there's a load of garbled blaming and reasons why she doesn't want him to contact her. All of which can be reasoned with by any unreasonable man to mean there is still an opening. Even the OP being upset that he is not acknowledging any wrong suggests she is holding a slight opening for him, whether consciously or not.

Show quote history

Yes and people have made suggestions for how OP’s communication could be clearer should a similar situation arise in the future.

fouroclockrock · 02/04/2026 10:33

If you are nervous to call the police would your brother be able to go and give him a clear warning not to contact you again?

bigboykitty · 02/04/2026 10:34

fouroclockrock · 02/04/2026 10:33

If you are nervous to call the police would your brother be able to go and give him a clear warning not to contact you again?

Please do not give uninformed advice. It is likely to cause the harassment to escalate.

Picklelily99 · 02/04/2026 10:35

So now the pleading and the bombardment starts; how long before the anger comes, and the verbal attacks?

PollyBell · 02/04/2026 10:36

fouroclockrock · 02/04/2026 10:33

If you are nervous to call the police would your brother be able to go and give him a clear warning not to contact you again?

No do not do this

SupervisorySpecialAgent · 02/04/2026 10:36

fouroclockrock · 02/04/2026 10:33

If you are nervous to call the police would your brother be able to go and give him a clear warning not to contact you again?

While I completely understand the sentiment behind this and it’s a completely natural reaction, I would advise against it.

Wherearemybaubles · 02/04/2026 10:38

Cornonthecob17 · 02/04/2026 09:20

OP, there are a lot of people focusing on details and semantics of what has been said and done. It does not matter the content of yours or his messages. Anyone with half a (sane) brain could infer that being blocked from everything means no contact.
Please listen to the people who have been there. We know what we are talking about and we know how these things can escalate. Log this with police now, and his workplace if he’s using their property to harass you. This has the potential to turn into a messy and harmful situation for you. Men like this do not value the feelings or opinions of women. He needs a male police officer or colleague to shame him into stopping. All further contact needs reported to the police. Keep record of everything. Consider leaving your home this weekend or having someone to stay with you. This absolutely has the potential to be a dangerous situation, it’s not over cautious to treat it as such, and you must take steps to protect yourself, as unfair as that is.

When reporting harassment you have to show that you clearly said you don't want them to contact you ever again, them reading/seeing/knowing that then contacting you again. So we're not flippantly focusing on semantics, we want to make sure the OP has what she needs on her side if she needs it.