AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

Did you bring your time machine?

I addressed it very early on and told him it would not work if he was like that. He promised me he would change. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I spent 3 years working on myself after my last split I don’t think there is anything wrong with my judge of character

101 police report

Mind you, your brother who's 'six foot 7' is giving me The Police vibes: '...you don't ever want to see me again/ And your brother's gonna kill me and he's six feet ten'... 😏

OP, I’m sorry as this is difficult (I’ve been through it myself). Unfortunately, the next step is that you need to tell him to never contact you again or you’ll be calling the police; once you’ve done this, it’s straight to police or 101 if you ever hear another peep from him. You do not have to unblock him. Send it to his work number.
”Hello ___, I blocked you and asked you to leave me alone. Let me make it very clear: if you contact me again using any number, if you show up at my house, if you contact me in any way, I will report you to the police for harassment. And if you use your work number to avoid me blocking you again, I will report you to your workplace for harassment. I hope this is the very end of our association, which should have ended when I blocked you, and this is a very final goodbye.”

Don't be ridiculous. It's not "victim blaming" to suggest the op sets her sights higher next time.

He completely ignores that you're trying to get away from/take your mind off of HIM 😡

Definitely time to at least contact 101,
@Theopdore

*Edit for number error

Does he talk like he texts, what a turn off. I would have dumped just on that alone. Raise your bar, he is obviously stunted at age 18.

Its time to contact the police. Dont give him any warning that you are doing this. Well done for not responding to him. Do you know where he works? Keep yourself busy and maybe change all your tik tik type accounts. He will either get bored and give up eventually or push harder so it would be wise to speak to the police from now. He is harassing you. Sorry you are having such a headache from this idiot when you should be relaxing.

Because stalking is taken seriously.

Neither of his texts were sane and reasonable. They were, it was my fault I came round (it was) this took me by surprise (it didnt if youve talked about it before) i hope you and the kids are OK (guilt and blame on other factors) im here if you want to talk (ignored boundaries) Ill leave you alone (he didnt) im devasted if were over (more guilt)

Hes messaged you from 2 other phones and via tiktok and come to your door. Thats not sane and reasonable behavoiur. His message yesterday was he would give you space and then hes messaging again.

And in the past hes tried to use guilt to control you into not seeing your friends. Id go to the police, they can talk to him, they can advise and I think they can still give a PIN where if he keeps it up then it can become an arrest. And if you dont want to do that id note his contact and reconsider if he bothers you in the next few days

Yeah don't contact him at all and report this (and every further contact from him) to 101, especially mention him turning up at your house. Consider inviting your brother over too. You might be stuck with this shithead until he finds another woman to lie to and write mangled texts at.

OP, there are a lot of people focusing on details and semantics of what has been said and done. It does not matter the content of yours or his messages. Anyone with half a (sane) brain could infer that being blocked from everything means no contact.
Please listen to the people who have been there. We know what we are talking about and we know how these things can escalate. Log this with police now, and his workplace if he’s using their property to harass you. This has the potential to turn into a messy and harmful situation for you. Men like this do not value the feelings or opinions of women. He needs a male police officer or colleague to shame him into stopping. All further contact needs reported to the police. Keep record of everything. Consider leaving your home this weekend or having someone to stay with you. This absolutely has the potential to be a dangerous situation, it’s not over cautious to treat it as such, and you must take steps to protect yourself, as unfair as that is.

You aren’t to blame for this or for his behaviour. It may be worth being firmer in your boundaries/trusting your instincts going forward, but you shouldn’t allow this to change who you are or close you off to future relationships. If it does he has still won.

Do hope you can call 111 for both a clares law enquiry (they respond very quickly if the threads on MN are anything to go by) and to log that he is harassing and stalking you using multiple devices. I would make it clear that that you are alone with young children and are therefore vulnerable as a family when you speak to them.

Please @Theopdore ignore everyone saying you should send one last message. You have told him in writing not to contact you again. It's time to call the police. The stalking did not start when you ended it and told him not to contact you again. It started when you told him you need space and he continued being suffocating. Write a timeline of when you sent the 'do not contact me again message' and everything he's done since. I find his 'I'm not giving up on us yet' message quite chilling. He's telling you he intends to carry on harassing you. Please call the police on 101, but if he shows up at the house or anywhere else you are, call 999.

This website and service is really helpful
https://www.suzylamplugh.org/am-i-being-stalked-tool

Time to call 101.
He is not listening to you.

Sorry @Theopdore that this guy is still hanging on. I hope he does not occupy your child-free 4 days in this manner.
Block his work phone.

Make a note - with dates and times - of all the ways he has contacted you since.

I would have said yesterday after the first message was the time to say to him, 'We are over' since the 1st message asked for space instead (and he obviously ignored that) but there is no need to contact him now.

Now, he is 'report him to the police' territory.
Also, get all your evidences of how he has previously stomped on your boundaries, making you invite him round to prove you are actually ill etc. So the police can see the full picture.

So sorry this guy is continuing to be a pain.

As I said earlier, please call the police - this man sounds dangerous.
Also, I think you should get started very soon because the forthcoming holiday weekend may
well mean that some organisations you may need to contact will be shut or on skeleton staff which will only make things more difficult and protracted,
Hoping you soon feel safer.

You need to contact the police on 101. He’s harassing you.

Write a timeline of the events after you have told him it’s over and phone the police. Don’t “be kind” he’s obviously ignoring you and thinks that if he continues to contact you you’ll give in.

If he threatens to hurt you or self harm or suicide contact 999 immediately so they can deal with it. I’m 99.9999999999999% sure this will be one of his moves. It usually is for this type of man.

He sounds like a proper weirdo trying to move in and then that’s when it truly starts the isolation from friends/family trying to make you think it’s all in your head and as your children get older the manipulation starts the list goes on .. please stay away from this man for your own and your children’s sake.. that’s just trauma in the making

People are focusing on details and semantics because her message was not clear, or concise, or upfront, and left plenty of loopholes for him to misinterpret there was still hope if he promised to change.

At no point did she clearly say, It is over. I am ending this relationship. She justy sounds as if she's in a temporary strop in her message. "Do not contact me again" in this context just sounds like a moment of bad temper, or an attempt at game playing.

Clearly he is not of sound mind or very bright, but a clear and simple message would be more effective. Not one that allows room for interpretation. Oh, you said I didn't change, and therefore you're cross - but I will change! etc.

I need some space, do not try to contact me or come round - does not say it's over. Then there's a load of garbled blaming and reasons why she doesn't want him to contact her. All of which can be reasoned with by any unreasonable man to mean there is still an opening. Even the OP being upset that he is not acknowledging any wrong suggests she is holding a slight opening for him, whether consciously or not.

Nailed it

Agree with all those saying no further contact of any kind. This type of man will see it as encouragement not to 'give up', however clearly OP states that it's over.

My money is on the girlfriend that previously cheated because he was too nice told him numerous times that it was over and he didn’t accept it and then pulled a surprised Pikachu face when she actually moved on.

Hi OP, I’ve been through this with my ex husband and you are doing everything right. The police advised me to not respond as it is inviting a conversation. His behaviour has clearly now crossed into harassment and/or stalking and the police would take this seriously as you have clearly told him not to contact you (big legal plus for you) and he has continued to do so through various means.

I don’t want to scare you but all I will say is be careful, be vigilant, because men like this don’t give up easily and when they don’t get what they want, their behaviour can very rapidly change.

You are already doing everything perfectly. I know how worrying it can be. My ex ended up arrested 3 times, he would call me all day and all night, send loads of abusive messages, watch me from across the street, follow me down the street calling me names etc. We had kids together though so it was more difficult but it’s a really scary position to be in. Feel free to PM me if you want.

He says he will change.

He wont.

The story that he was dumped by a previous woman for being “too nice” is the spin he and his mother have put on the story. I expect if you spoke to the ex she would tell a similar story to you, a demanding, petulant man child who behaves like a five year old and doesn’t understand the word no.