AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

It totally doesn't.

"You blocked me on everything...but I wanted to get to you so I could manipulate you in person (and I always get my own way), so I showed up...it's not me, obviously (I'm awesome, my mum says so, it's never me), it's because you're struggling with your kids that this not-a-breakup-because-i-refuse-to-acknowledge-it-as-such is happening.... I'll be all nice and pretend to care whilst simultaneously trampling all over your very obvious boundaries with this message, just like I did when I showed up at your house after calling from a withheld number"

There's absolutely nothing sane or reasonable about his message OP!
You need to learn to read past the "I'm so friendly and hopeless, with good manners" tone of the messages to what they actually say. He's rude, controlling, gaslighting, belittling and manipulative.

How old is he? Why is he still living with his mum? Does he work?

this …

I really hope you’re either joking or made a typo here? His text is the opposite of sane and reasonable. I hope he leaves you alone. Do you have Ring cameras and/or security lights at your front door and garden? If I were you I would get them. They are very useful in general but in this specific case maybe even more so. I would also ask for a Clare’s Law search as soon as possible.

There's a huge mismatch in energy here. He's childless , you aren't...he lives 'alone' with his mum ...you ARE a mum , he's needy & insecure & needs reassurance...you need peace , security and stability & reliability and someone who is helpful and strong . There's nothing wrong in either of these, he's just not for you

There's nothing wrong in either of these, he's just not for you

You're joking. There's a lot wrong with him. A lot. He's an incipient stalker.

The OP hasn't heard the last of this fucker.

I think your message was very vague OP.
And tbh I'd have met him in a neutral place and explained face to face that you have realised you aren't ready for a relationship/have decided to give it another go with the kid's father (anything really other than him being the reason you called it off).

I'd be quite worried that a 'heartbroke' man who has a lot of time on his hands, may get angry or start harassing you because he is under some illusion that if he mends his ways, you will resume seeing him.

Its fair to allow him to have his say so you can reiterate that you are not going to change your mind.

What bit of I have told him not to contact me. No way am I unblocking him now is vague?

Have you read the OP's posts?

Yes I read all the OP's posts including this 'I told you it would come to this if you didn’t change your ways. The fact that you just demand you are coming round when I told you I like time to myself is just awful.'

This implies that the man has to 'change his ways' . The OP should not have given any ifs or buts in her message to him. Also while cutting off someone's chance to reply may lead to him being upset now, it is very likely that the upset will be replaced by anger.

Look at the last post. That's what updates are for.

Can you stop being patronising while simultaneously highlighting your lack fo reading comprehension.

The OP sent her original message to the ex boyfriend and then blocked him. The message both you and I quoted in different parts.

The man replied via TikTok as he has no other means to contact her.

The last message from the OP is informing us, the audience of MN, that she is not going to unblock him. She needs to inform the man of this, not MN.

And saying her piece but not giving the man an opportunity to respond in some shape or form is not a form of closure for him which is exactly why situations like this tend to escalate.

@Theopdore rooting for you. I've dated two men like this and I mistook this for just liking me too much. The reality was one was abusive and wanted to get our of his bad situation living with his own toxic parents, and the other became resentful of my children. In hindsight I wish id stood up for myself earlier on.

He’s narcissistic the way he says struggling with the kids he’s deflected and tries to reverse it like your the problem or your kids 🤦🏽‍♀️ huge huge red flag please stay strong and keep this man away from you and definitely your kids even in the future

Well done OP, on cutting him loose. He sounded so needy. Hopefully he leaves you alone.

I’m up to 20 years with my DH and I know if anything was to go awry I would never get involved with another serious relationship again. I’m similar to you too in valuing my alone time. Just the thought of having to put effort into getting to know someone else makes me feel completely exhausted. I hope you have a lovely Easter, OP.

Red flags op!!! This is him getting his heels in. Hes trying to see how far he can control the situation and how much he can control you. What he is doing is called love bombing, comes on thick and hard. He is controlling your time so your not anywhere else, with anyone else, the constant phone calls and messages are checking in on you, making sure he knows where you are at all times. It will slowly turn into abusive and coercive behaviour. Within in a year, you wont be allowed to go anywhere or do anything on your own , or with friends or family, you will be tracked everywhere you go. Defintiely end this while you can and its still early days.

He sounds like a potential stalker and is unhinged. Dump him asap. You don't want this man around your young kids.

This Isn’t normal behaviour and this is just the start of a controlling relationship! This man would be a nightmare to live with wanting to know your every move, who you’re with, what time you’ll be home and it won’t be long before he starts resenting your kids for taking up your time! He needs to go! ASAP!

Love bombing probably needs money or somewhere to live be careful

This

You think this is sane? Desperado girl he needs somewhere to live are you stupid seriously?

Just wanted to say well done for walking away and putting a stop to this before things got too serious and you felt unable to 🥳 enjoy your lovely 4 days to yourself!

Oh dear, this one is not a keeper, sorry @Theopdore I would be cutting myself loose.

He has no respect for your personal space, he showed he didn't trust you when you were ill. What an AH.

I can’t believe some people have said to unblock him so OP can send him another message. He would view that as encouragement to get in touch, the man does not need any closure nor does OP need to explain herself anymore than she has done. The man does not take no for an answer and is dangerous!

That was so she has evidence to present to the police though. I agree though if it were me he’d be blocked all over the place.

That message is infantile. He may be in his 30’s but he sounds like a child.
Enjoy your space OP.