AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

Such a grim message really hope you were joking when you said it was sane and reasonable 😭😭

He sounds the wrong person for you. Too immature and needy. Find someone less clingy not trying to escape from his mother.

I can’t be arsed with adults using teenage textspeak either. Grow up FFS!

Wow, this could be exactly someone I used to know. He texted exactly like that, was super needy seeming and came across like he was really caring and had just always had bad luck with women “friend-zoning him” (would be 38 now). Things started to go wrong and I told him face to face that I didn’t want to see him again (in a public place because I was already a bit wary). He dragged me down three flights of stairs in front of witnesses. Totally lost it. You dodged a bullet imo!

This has red flags all over it. If you’re asking “where is my escape” from your own relationship it’s clearly not the one for you. He sounds extremely needy and a bit controlling in all honesty.

Oh dear, that’s not acceptable behaviour on his part, he’s mistrusting & smothering you.

That message is yuck. He will escalate.

If it were me and I had some cash to spare, I’d go hang out in a hotel over Easter.

Should have ended it then... but do it now!

Instead of screaming “nice guy” I feel it’s giving “controlling and obsessive guy”. Huge red flag to me.

I thought about this but I can’t leave my cat

That tiktok message is ... unhinged. Please get a camera doorbell immediately.

Does he work, he seems to have a lot of spare time. What a relief for you, you will wonder what you were thinking. Onwards and upwards. Well done.

If you are willing to consider this i do think you need to make a 101.

If he does visit, dont answer, have the door locked, record the content.

Honestly OP the fact youre worried about this proves he was never a nice man

I know! Just absolutely not.

He literally writes like an illiterate 17 year old. That message alone made my vagina clamp shut. 😳

He sounds like a potential stalker and eventually will want to know your whereabouts at all times.He's way too needy.

If you relent at all it'll be even harder to get rid of him next time. Any messages or behaviours that he can portray to himself are neutral will be taken as positive. He's already hoping that you just need a bit of time to yourself then you'll be back together. If you do see him somewhere then have some short phrases ready to deploy like "leave me alone", "if I see you again I'll contact the police". You can't be nice to him, he'll take it as a sign that you don't mean what you already said about splitting up.

Don't know where you are but IHG and Hilton hotels are both cat friendly, additional cost for a pet but they don't discriminate against cats.

I think one issue you may have OP is that your message to him was very wishy washy, I just need some space right now. It didn’t really say, never contact me again. The relationship is over and I never wish to see or speak to you ever again. His message is leaving things open for you to change your mind. He is going to keep popping up and pressuring you to see and message with him.

You need to respond to his message and shut that right down. Tell him directly that the relationship is over and you do not wish to have any further contact from him in any way.

If he does continue to contact you, then it’s harassment and I would log it with the police in case future problems present themselves in a few weeks or months.

I have told him not to contact me. No way am I unblocking him now

This is excellent information! Ill remember if I ever need a hotel

@mindutopia Her message stated not to contact her again. He ignored it. The message wasn't wishy washy in the slightest.

Nothing sane about that.
Blaming you and your children.
He's an illiterate creep.
Do not relent.

op - this response is AWFUL. I am absolutely gobsmacked you think it’s reasonable. It’s awful because it shows zero accountability or self awareness. It’s classic narcissism. It hasn’t even crossed his mind that you’ve dumped him because of something he’s done, only that there’s something wrong in your life - you’re struggling - and that’s why. He is completely incapable of growth, so no amount of ‘I’ll try harder’ will help- he won’t because he doesn’t understand his own part and isn’t willing to think about it. And the spelling!!! Just awful.

unfortunately you just found out why he was single. Sounds like one of the 'permanent clinger' types of toxic men. His text to you screams to me that he hasn't, and won't accept your boundary and still thinks he's in with a chance. Please block him on all avenues, and log any further harrassment with 101. Keep yourself safe, these types of guys are unhinged