AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

Take no notice of the outlier in the thread and listen to the vast majority telling you that you’ve done the right thing.

OP, well done.
He is unhinged.
He clearly has nothing going on in his life and hyper focused on you.
Scary.
Do not hesitate to call the police if he comes to your door and won't leave.
Do not allow him in.
Have you a video door bell?
Order a wireless one that that is easy to put up.
This is all about him and what he wants.
You could be any woman with his type.
He wants to hang out at yours.
Such a narrow escape.

I have told him! Numerous time, he says he doesn’t like change and tells me I have read the message. He sends a text and then 30 mins later, busy morning I take it, obviously!

You might have missed that OP has had "the conversation" with him many times already. In fact, her "goodbye" text included:

I told you it would come to this if you didn’t change your ways.

I don't think she owes him anything more at this stage - he's not really interested in hearing/understanding her side of things, anyway.

Avoid

Nice guys dont have to point out rthat theyre nice. he sounds controlling and likely to become abusive in time.

Enjoy some alone time and ditch him. you might kater find someone who gives you the space you need.

He may think he was dumped for being too nice but he's too needy. And maybe not mentally well. I hope you break free soon.

You did absolutely the right thing OP, you did what your gut has been telling at you to do for months. He was insecure controlling and would have only got more so. Thank god you never let him move in.

The stuff about being on pins because you went out with the girls, massive icky red flag! That ge would even say that to you, making you responsible for his insecure feelings.

You did right by ending it the way you did and blocking him. Not the way to end things with a reasonable adult. But he's not a reasonable adult , he would have pleaded, cried, argued, at best and you don't need that. At worst, the mind boggles.

From your OP, I thought you'd be better off with someone who had DC. I'd guess you have DC at least 50% of the time and wanting half the week with a partner when you don't have DC is normal ( although the being cheated on for being "too nice" is odd) The behaviour in this comment is not normal, huge red flag, run!

Anyone who accused me of lying would be told in no uncertain terms to fuck off. How dare he? I’m incensed on your behalf OP. If he doesn’t trust you, what’s the point? It sounds completely claustrophobic and he sounds controlling. Red flags all over the place.

no no no no no

He is absolutely trampling you to get what he wants. He doesn't care what you are want, it simply doesn't register with him as something he needs to take into consideration.

There's no way this will turn out to be an enjoyable and fulfilling relationship for you. Cut your losses.

He sounds clingy OP. If he could tone down that aspect (and that may well something he needs to work on due to previous cheating ex etc) then maybe this could work but I don't think feeling suffocated this early on bodes well. Hope it sorts itself out!

Would people ever just read at least all the OPs posts?! 😶

Oops sorry OP I hadn't seen we'd got to 4 pages already. You've done the right thing. Hope he has got the message fair and square.

I was getting very strong Hobosexuel vibes and they tend to come on strong in order to get their feet under the table, but after reading the updates 😱 this is something much stronger - either way, you had a lucky escape.

I dated a guy for a short while who was so into me it was amazing.

except it wasn’t

I got bronchitis and was really ill, he asked was I free for a call, and I said no, that I felt like death and was going straight to bed. He rang me anyway

i was exhausted and super ill. I ended the call quite quickly

then he kept trying to get me to meet his son. I didn’t want to, it was too soon for that and was too symbolic of the situation moving way faster than I was happy with

he arranged a date then last minute his childcare “fell through” so his DS would be there… I cancelled but I had the feeling all along that childcare never existed in the first place.

the not listening is so key here @Theopdore I can’t stress this enough. Your decision is final on this, please don’t allow him to talk you round.

You have a house, he doesn't have a house
Seen this play out so many times, pull right back or be reasy for the ive been kicked by my mum plea, I have no where to go 🙄

If he is nice then he wont have a problem with you speaking about your feelings or pulling back to give a single mum some of her own space

OP. I dont want to worry you but i read your posts and complete agree with the PP you replied to about how hes, in no particular order; love bombing you, coercive, harassing, disrespecting a simple boundary, trying to get you not to go out with friends etc etc

Its worrying that after you ended it, he rang. Didn't take a blocking and started calling anonymously and then SHOWED UP. Thats kinda terrifying.

Id make a note of this. The message, amount of missed calls and if he comes back again report it to the police. Better safe than sorry.

I hope you have a fabulous few days to yourself!

If he does turn up at the school I think that would be actually unforgivable OP, to risk dragging your children into his drama.

I've never met anyone who described themselves as 'too nice' that wasn't a total cunt, FWIW.

You have a house, he doesn't have a house
Seen this play out so many times, pull right back or be reasy for the ive been kicked by my mum plea, I have no where to go 🙄

If he is nice then he wont have a problem with you speaking about your feelings or pulling back to give a single mum some of her own space

As simple as... Having no children and, presumably, in a previous relationship with someone without children/other commitments, he may not understand your situation and day-to-day life. Have you sat down and discussed this adult to adult, and expectations? If yes, gently reinforce for each task to set boundaries but with clear communication, but also that you care (if that's the case). He may be clingy from his previous experience and it takes time for some to regain confidence, including in a relationship.

I met someone in my younger years I had no kids, he had two young daughters. It was me who told him I didn’t want to meet them for a good long while.
He had also just been through an awful divorce.
He made a surprise dinner at his home one Friday evening - yes, the two girls were there! They were 6 and 4 so just thought it was a party, but straight away they were very clingy with me. His mum and sister turned up
at one point, and I got left alone with these two little girls.
Half an hour later I went looking and said these little ones want to go to bed.
The next day he told me the girls loved and I’d passed the suitability test with his mum and sister.
Within two weeks he was off playing golf when they were at his, or telling me that the girls preferred my company. Even their own mum agreed - which should have told me she hated his guts.
They were lovely little girls but in the end I couldn’t sustain it and it was heartbreaking as they really did want my company and not his.
I still have lovely memories of them. None of him!

You’re an adult. Him ‘making out you’re lying’ is hugely disrespectful. He wasn’t ‘too nice’, he was obviously a pain in the arse.

well done standing up for yourself @Theopdore that message was very clear and you don't owe him any further explanations... he's just too much.

I agree with all the other pps about the red flags.

I also thought as he was so jealous of the time you spent on your own, he would also be jealous of the time you spent with your children.
Unacceptable... and as for telling you he shouldn't have to ask to come to your home but should be able to come there whenever he felt like it.... big fat NO.

I hope you have a lovely relaxing Easter weekend and that you've seen the last of this Mr Too Nice Guy and cocklodger in waiting.

That’s awful! Just utterly trampled on a totally
reasonable boundary - which should have been a boundary he was putting up too!