Page 15 | AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

Theopdore · 2026-04-01T09:05:14+00:00

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it. his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice? in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that. he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy? we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

SwisswolvesLilley · 01/04/2026 17:53

You have dodged a bullet there, he was showing all the signs of a classic coercive controller. Very very good decision to dump him.

Foodylicious · 01/04/2026 17:54

Theopdore · 01/04/2026 10:09

The thing is I have tried to cut off a few times and he says he will change and pleads for
me to not end things.

honestly the thought of 4 days to myself sounds like absolute heaven.

i was ill a few weeks ago with the flu and it was a day when the kids were with their dad. He made out I was lying so I didn’t have to see him so in the end I just let him come round to see how ill I was.

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If he thought you were lying so you didnt have to see him, he should be taking the hint rather than demanding that you 'have to' see him.
Horrible controlling behaviour
I can't see this going anywhere positive unfortunately.
I'd end it now.
And enjoy the Easter break to yourself.
No only will you not have to see him, you won't have to think about him either!

gostickyourheadinapig · 01/04/2026 17:55

Anyone who describes himself as 'too nice' invariably isn't.

Foodylicious · 01/04/2026 17:55

Just seen your updates.
Well done!

Okiedokie123 · 01/04/2026 17:59

Only 20 minutes after you sent your message he was at your front door! Does he not have any thing else to be doing?

Bullet dodged. I hope he now leaves you alone.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/04/2026 18:00

Personally, given recent and well documented cases. I'd log it with the police at the first sign that he is not accepting this and not rely on your huge brother in case it puts him at risk too.

He knows you will be at home alone all weekend. Don't take any chances. You can install a Ring or alternative camera very quickly or even put one inside your window pointing out.

KateBushAgain · 01/04/2026 18:02

Holy Crap , thank god you’re out of that .
It’s a lesson to any singles reading , don’t let anyone overstep your boundaries.

SquallyShowersLater · 01/04/2026 18:03

I think he's going to want his 'day in court' as it were. Six months is quite a long time to be in a relationship with someone to just break it off by text. He's going to be furious that you've blocked him and he'll keep turning up until you give him his audience. Do you really want to live like that for weeks, worrying about when he'll suddenly appear?

I think if it were a woman saying she'd been dumped by text then blocked, people would be pretty angry on her behalf and say he's a heartless coward.

Maybe unblock him, agree to speak to him on the phone so he can do whatever pleading he wants to do, you stay calm and resolute, explain why it's not up for debate and your mind is made up.

He's been needy but not abusive or violent, so perhaps you owe him that, at least. I think if I were you I'd rather get it over with than constantly be looking over your shoulder every time you are at the school gate or on your way in or out of work for the next few weeks.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 01/04/2026 18:06

SquallyShowersLater · 01/04/2026 18:03

I think he's going to want his 'day in court' as it were. Six months is quite a long time to be in a relationship with someone to just break it off by text. He's going to be furious that you've blocked him and he'll keep turning up until you give him his audience. Do you really want to live like that for weeks, worrying about when he'll suddenly appear?

I think if it were a woman saying she'd been dumped by text then blocked, people would be pretty angry on her behalf and say he's a heartless coward.

Maybe unblock him, agree to speak to him on the phone so he can do whatever pleading he wants to do, you stay calm and resolute, explain why it's not up for debate and your mind is made up.

He's been needy but not abusive or violent, so perhaps you owe him that, at least. I think if I were you I'd rather get it over with than constantly be looking over your shoulder every time you are at the school gate or on your way in or out of work for the next few weeks.

Edited

This is such bad advice. Op has already told him. She doesn't need to speak to him again.

Original poster

Theopdore · 01/04/2026 18:08

Obviously if I felt I could talk to him I would have done. I felt this was the only way. I didn’t want to spend the full 4 days with him. He may as well pay me rent rather than his mum.

OP posts:

SquallyShowersLater · 01/04/2026 18:08

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/04/2026 18:00

Personally, given recent and well documented cases. I'd log it with the police at the first sign that he is not accepting this and not rely on your huge brother in case it puts him at risk too.

He knows you will be at home alone all weekend. Don't take any chances. You can install a Ring or alternative camera very quickly or even put one inside your window pointing out.

You can't just 'log it' with police that you dumped someone by text and they are trying to speak to you in person. When he's done nothing criminal, violent or sinister up till now they won't be remotely interested. They'll probably just say 'well perhaps you should speak to him in person then.'

And perhaps you should. But do it on the phone.

zeroclucksgiven · 01/04/2026 18:09

Don’t take this advice OP- you owe him NOTHING and don’t feel you’re a ‘bad’ person for texting to finish it and blocking forever!
why oh why do women always have to be’nice’ when we want to end a relationship especially a twisted/toxic one??!!

Original poster

Theopdore · 01/04/2026 18:09

SquallyShowersLater · 01/04/2026 18:08

You can't just 'log it' with police that you dumped someone by text and they are trying to speak to you in person. When he's done nothing criminal, violent or sinister up till now they won't be remotely interested. They'll probably just say 'well perhaps you should speak to him in person then.'

And perhaps you should. But do it on the phone.

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Why would I want to do that. I have said what needed to be said.

OP posts:

zeroclucksgiven · 01/04/2026 18:10

Sorry I meant the advice from @SquallyShowersLater

TrashHeap · 01/04/2026 18:10

Stop telling OP to unblock him, that's a ludicrous idea!

bigboykitty · 01/04/2026 18:13

SquallyShowersLater · 01/04/2026 18:08

You can't just 'log it' with police that you dumped someone by text and they are trying to speak to you in person. When he's done nothing criminal, violent or sinister up till now they won't be remotely interested. They'll probably just say 'well perhaps you should speak to him in person then.'

And perhaps you should. But do it on the phone.

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This is completely wrong. OP has told him in writing that it's over and he is not to contact her again. Since then he has messaged, called from a withheld number and turned up at the house. The police will absolutely pay him a visit and issue a PIN warning for stalking and harassment if he persists.

UnctuousUnicorns · 01/04/2026 18:15

"I think if it were a woman saying she'd been dumped by text then blocked, people would be pretty angry on her behalf and say he's a heartless coward"

If she'd behaved as the OP has described her ex, then like him, she'd deserve everything she got.

Besides, let me see, how many men have been murdered by jealous, controlling women over the years...? 🤔

Nearly50omg · 01/04/2026 18:18

If he wont leave you alone after you’ve told him it’s over then you call the police and you tell him that you have and that he can deal with them from now on as it is stalking harassment and domestic abuse he’s displaying not “a nice guy!”

SquallyShowersLater · 01/04/2026 18:20

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 01/04/2026 18:06

This is such bad advice. Op has already told him. She doesn't need to speak to him again.

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It's not bad advice. Would you say it was bad advice if it was a man dumping a woman who thought she'd been serious with someone for the last six months? Or do you think it would just be common decency and good manners?

I know she doesn't need to speak to him again, but it's probably going to make her life easier if she does. It doesn't have to be in person, it can be on the phone. He's just going to keep trying to see her until he gets a the explanation he thinks he deserves. Just as many women would want, if it happened to them.

The OP never said at any point that she was frightened of him, just that she felt smothered by his over-keenness and realised it wasn't working. He's more likely to act a bit deranged if she blocks him without even having a conversation about it frankly, because that would lead to so much pent up frustration and anger.

TwistedWonder · 01/04/2026 18:23

UnctuousUnicorns · 01/04/2026 18:15

"I think if it were a woman saying she'd been dumped by text then blocked, people would be pretty angry on her behalf and say he's a heartless coward"

If she'd behaved as the OP has described her ex, then like him, she'd deserve everything she got.

Besides, let me see, how many men have been murdered by jealous, controlling women over the years...? 🤔

Yep. She’s be told to stop dating, get therapy and work on herself before going anywhere near a man again.

But as you say the number of women who harass stalk and go on to attack their ex compared to men is tiny.

Isn’t it 2 women a week killed by their ex or current partner?

Beachtastic · 01/04/2026 18:24

Theopdore · 01/04/2026 18:09

Why would I want to do that. I have said what needed to be said.

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Especially as it's not the first time you've explained it all to him!

NamechangebumpforMandy · 01/04/2026 18:25

SquallyShowersLater · 01/04/2026 18:03

I think he's going to want his 'day in court' as it were. Six months is quite a long time to be in a relationship with someone to just break it off by text. He's going to be furious that you've blocked him and he'll keep turning up until you give him his audience. Do you really want to live like that for weeks, worrying about when he'll suddenly appear?

I think if it were a woman saying she'd been dumped by text then blocked, people would be pretty angry on her behalf and say he's a heartless coward.

Maybe unblock him, agree to speak to him on the phone so he can do whatever pleading he wants to do, you stay calm and resolute, explain why it's not up for debate and your mind is made up.

He's been needy but not abusive or violent, so perhaps you owe him that, at least. I think if I were you I'd rather get it over with than constantly be looking over your shoulder every time you are at the school gate or on your way in or out of work for the next few weeks.

Edited

He was showing numerous coercive controlling and stalkerish behaviours. You owe him nothing OP. Ending it by text and blocking him was the right way for you, so do not give it a moment’s further thought.

Do not unblock him. First, you don’t want to, and that’s absolutely fine. Second, unblocking him just makes him think he has a chance, prolongs the agony and also makes him think no doesn’t mean no. Quite aside from any potential safety issues if him “having his say” goes wrong.

Original poster

Theopdore · 01/04/2026 18:25

Exactly, I had an open and honest conversation with him a few months ago, things haven’t changed. He just expects that any free time I get should be with him!

OP posts:

Parentofstudent · 01/04/2026 18:26

Just tell him that too busy in the morning to reply. If he still does it after you told him then it’s a red flag and probably need to end it.

UnctuousUnicorns · 01/04/2026 18:26

SquallyShowersLater · 01/04/2026 18:20

It's not bad advice. Would you say it was bad advice if it was a man dumping a woman who thought she'd been serious with someone for the last six months? Or do you think it would just be common decency and good manners?

I know she doesn't need to speak to him again, but it's probably going to make her life easier if she does. It doesn't have to be in person, it can be on the phone. He's just going to keep trying to see her until he gets a the explanation he thinks he deserves. Just as many women would want, if it happened to them.

The OP never said at any point that she was frightened of him, just that she felt smothered by his over-keenness and realised it wasn't working. He's more likely to act a bit deranged if she blocks him without even having a conversation about it frankly, because that would lead to so much pent up frustration and anger.

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@SquallyShowersLater

"He's more likely to act a bit deranged if she blocks him without even having a conversation about it frankly, because that would lead to so much pent up frustration and anger."

Fuck me sideways, tell me you're a troll, please? Have you actually read back what you just posted? 🤦‍♀️