AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

What a creep - who continues to push boundaries - despite being told not to contact you.

I would report this to the police - you wont be the first person he has done this to I suspect.

Change your routine, keep you and your chidren safe, he sounds awful.

If he thinks your lying that is a trust issue in him and it won't work he has said he will change but he isn't I don't think u can carry on unless u set out clear boundaries by communicating and if he does it again end it !!!

Run

caught Up with your posts now @Theopdore

well done! Do not hesitate to call the police if you feel unsafe. Tell them you feel unsafe

RED FLAG ALERT!!!!

Love bombing, clingy, not respecting your needs and requests for space. It's too much too soon. You're a grown up. You deserve to be comfortable and respected.

His behaviour alarms me as it sounds very similar to how my friend's ex acted. He turned out to be a narcissist and subjected my friend to coercive control. He made her world smaller, cut her off from friends and family, damaged her career and financial independence. My worry is that this guy could go this way too.

The line about him saying he was cheated on because he was too nice gives me the ick.

I would distance myself from him and end it before it goes any further. You've ended a marriage of 20 years for a reason, you deserve to have happiness and peace. Part of that is being able to enjoy your own time in a way you want to enjoy it, not the way some guy who still lives with his mum dictates. That element also made me wonder if he's trying to burrow himself into your life for financial and domestic gains.

Your children are still very young and I know there's a responsibility to model positive adult relationships in their lives. This relationship might have seemed lovely at first but if after six months he's bothering you enough for you to come to mumsnet I think it would be best for your whole family unit to stop it now.

I would be taking a much harder line here OP. I'm also wondering how it got to six months, I remember having to deal with a guy like this after a few weeks - he simply refused to hear what I was saying.

I feel for you as I remember being nervous as he knew where I lived. You have kids though so you must genuinely feel scared.

I broke up with him once nicely, then more firmly, then warned him not to contact me again or I would be going to the police. He did not stop. The advice is to not engage. I didn't block him and took my phone with the log of relentless calls and messages to the police station and asked if they thought I had anything to worry about. They were very nice, undramatic and said they would phone him. That was the end of it thankfully.

In your shoes I would -

Unblock
"I have ended out relationship and asked you to stop contacting.e but you are continuing to attempt to phone, turn up at my house. I will be contacting the police if it doesn't stop."

I would go to the police and if they were no help I'd enlist the help of someone he will listen to.

Don't wait for it to get worse. Put a stop to it now.

I have a relative who (is dead now) but was absolutely insane.
He was in a secure facility for his last 20 years but it still frightens me when I think about him. Anyway my sister told me recently, that at one point he had a girlfriend for a year.

She probably went through something like this. Thinking something was off, doubting herself etc.

Anyway I know this man you were dating is not him but I find it terrifying that there are men like this out in the world and it takes time to realise they are not who they say they are.
It’s hard not to fill in the gaps and imagine that this is ‘the one’ and be optimistic at the beginning of a relationship. We have all
done that.

But any inkling of doubt then RUN. Cut contact and be ferocious protecting your safety. Don worry about being rude. Save yourself.

OP, there were a number of red flags before you dumped him, but his behaviour since you have done so shows just how right you are to be rid of him. Listen to your gut - six months into a relationship, you should have been putting the wine to chill and getting out the sexy underwear at the thought of four days alone with him - not dreading it and wanting your own space. You have absolutely done the right thing, and the fact that he has not only tried to phone but has turned up at your house shows what absolute bad news he is. Someone who loves you respects your boundaries. He is a needy Mummy’s boy - keep strong, and keep your distance.

I’ve had a few friends in this area exact situation recently OP. They’ve come out of long term relationships and have children. New partner doesn’t have children and doesn’t seem to appreciate the balance needed with kids and that they won’t be the sole focus. Friends have all struggled with the expectation and demands from very early on. I don’t think you’re alone with this!

Just seen update !! Please be careful and just be super vigilant and call police if he keeps on !!

He sounds unhinged. Be careful op.

You’ve done the right thing, OP, and as many expected, he is not taking it well.

Please let the police know that he is continuing to contact you and has turned up at your house. Keep a diary of all incidents. Hopefully he will quickly tire of bothering you but if not then you will have evidence of harassment.

You did the right thing dumping him and blocking OP. I just wanted to say - solidarity and support. Hope he doesn't prove to be as much of a nightmare ex as you're worried about. As others have said, keep a diary of his behaviour and call the police if you're at all concerned.

Finish it! 🚩

What a fucking weirdo

The fact that he still lives with his mum and assuming he has never moved out would be a massive turn off for me. Get rid, he is going to bring you nothing but trouble further down the line, he is already disregarding your boundaries.

i was ill a few weeks ago with the flu and it was a day when the kids were with their dad. He made out I was lying so I didn’t have to see him so in the end I just let him come round to see how ill I was.

Even if none of the other stuff is a red flag, this definitely is.

Glad you've ended it OP.

I had one of these, although he had his own home, his Mum had to come and do his cleaning and washing for him.

He always wanted to know where I was and used to drive by my work to make sure I was there. He mentioned buying me a launderette so he knew where I was all the time. Don't know why he thought I'd want a launderette as I have always been an office worker.

He would come to my house and say it's too noisy because of my DC's, music, friends in and out etc so I told him not to bother coming round anymore then ended it

OP be careful. He knows the school and has met your kids. will this other Mum be able to handle him? does she know the story?

This so reinforces you definitely did the right thing.

No-one has ever been cheated on for being too nice, and most self proclaimed nice guys are anything but.

OP I am glad you have given this guy the boot, although your message about 'needing space' is perhaps not as clear as it needs to be. I can understand you trying to let him down gently but 'need space' implies you're potentially open to reconnecting at some point, which it doesn't sound like you are, and gives him a justification to hang about.

The fact that he has ignored your request not to contact you or come over is a HUGE red flag, and looking at your relationships there have already been signs of coercive control, accusing you of lying about being ill, saying he has the right to turn up whenever.

I would be tempted to briefly unblock him to make it clear that you are ending the relationship full stop and that if he attempts to contact you again you will go to the police - this may seem like an overreaction but given the obvious red flags you need to be cautious. If you have someone who can stay with you or check in with you, confide in them, and if he does escalate in any way go straight to police.

@TMFF beat me to it!

I couldn't deal with someone like this. The fact you have spoken to him, and it's proved fruitless, apart from a few promises from him, tells you all you need to know.

He doesn't respect your personal boundaries, he's pushing himself more and more into your life and then guilt trips you when you try to exert those boundaries. You shouldn't have to 'prove' you're unwell!!

He's not a 'nice guy' at all. He wants constant attention. He wants to see you all the time (when your children aren't at home). He expects you to reply to messages/answer your phone straight away. Accuses you of lying to him.

He's controlling = abusive behaviour.

You need to end the relationship. However, you need to be careful, because in my opinion he has all the hallmarks of someone who will find it impossible to accept you ending the relationship. He'll love bomb you, beg, plead. When that fails, the nasty side will come out....abusive messages/calls etc. I would be inclined to call Women's Aid, and ask them the best way to extract yourself from the relationship.

OP, take care. He could be trouble, keep.yourwits about you. Do a Clares Law request to the police on him.

Reading this thread has given me the creeps. This guy is potentially dangerous. I would report him to the police. If he does indeed turn up at the school then you definitely should do.