AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

[Malloryknoxsnose]

I am in a quite new relationship ( a few months) albeit have known this person a long time (around 5-6 years).

We've just spent a weekend together.

We planned the weekend, went out for the day on Saturday looking around a new city, and Sunday night we were just going to go to the pub near me for some drinks with a friend of mine. This is a pub I have a close connection to, I go in there on my way home from work, help organise events for them, I know most of the regulars and all the bar staff, she has been in there with me many times and always seemed happy there, has met most of my 'pub friends' and always had a good chat with them, all fine.

Sunday evening we were sitting watching TV and I said 'right, I will go and get myself ready' and she seemed surprised and asked 'for what?!' I reminded her that we were going to the pub to meet my friend.

She said she didn't know we were going and I reminded her that I had told her, but also said that if she didn't feel like it that was fine, I could cancel. She said it was okay and we both got ready and went. We got there around 9pm and the pub shuts at 1030pm, it wasn't going to be a long night(if relevant)!

When we got to the pub she was very quiet. I asked what she wanted to drink, she said she didn't want one. I was obviously surprised at this but tried to not make a big deal of it. Barman knows what she usually drinks and asked 'are you sure' and was also surprised, I asked if she wanted a soft drink instead, she said no.

My friend arrived and him and my girlfriend have a particular interest in 'real ales' and often spend time trying new ones and discussing them and he was telling her enthusiastically about the new one the pub had, and she barely grunted at him. He thinks a lot of her, we've spent time at events together and was very happy when we got together and was visibly confused.

I was half way through my glass of wine when I asked her if she wanted to leave, I could drive her straight back home if I didn't finish it, and she said no It's fine, to stay.

I was obviously worried about her and embarrassed but I didn't know what to do. At one point she took herself off in another room for a while, and then when she went to the loo my friend asked what was wrong with her, had we fallen out? I said no, nothing and I had no idea what was wrong.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

We had two more drinks in total but, after I had finished my second one (she hadn't had one at all at this point) I went to the loo and when I came back she had bought herself one but not me. I felt that this must have really meant she was upset with me for some reason and we left shortly following. We were sitting at the bar and I was noticing the bar staff looking at me try to work out what was wrong.

We talked a little when we got home, and she said she'd felt like crying all day, was very down and didn't know why. She was upset that I cared more about other people than her (as I had mentioned people had noticed and were asking me what was wrong). This isn't true at all! But I did find her behaviour very odd, and if I am honest, rude. She left yesterday after asking me to take her for lunch, where we did discuss some things again and she said she just didn't understand 'pub etiquette' hence her not buying me a drink when she bought her own. I said I wasn't concerned really about that particular small thing overall, but it looks weird to bar staff and isn't a very nice thing to do to me.

I am not completely naive regarding depression. I have suffered myself, but I wouldn't ever behave like this. AIBU to be feeling like this? What would others have done in this situation?

People can help behaving badly it is never an excuse

Your chemcial make-up will be vastly different to that of your partners. There are different severities of depression, including clinical depression. She sounded clinically depressed and anxious. It can, unfortunately, make you act/behave this way. You have this massive 'black dog', as the terminology goes, hanging around you. She is mentally unwell.

She needs compassion, empathy, and patience - Please do not judge this one event. Just let her sit quietly, if that's how she copes/manages getting through a day. Sometimes it can make talking extremely difficult, you just have 0 energy to be social and talk, or answer questions. Your mind becomes fogged, hense the lack of thought to buy you a drink...but it's not the end of the world.

This is quite a helpful video for people living with someone suffering from depression. Please encourage her to see a GP.

https://www.mhinnovation.net/resources/living-black-dog-video

Nope. She's not a caregiver or counsellor. No reason to try to be one.

Irrespective of diagnosis, the op’s partner doesn’t get to behave as she pleases with impunity. The op actually doesn’t have to put up with it.

Quite true, the reasons don't actually matter. It's not the OPs job to tolerate bad behaviour, even if the girlfriend could not help it. She's not her nurse, mother or psychiatrist, and if she doesn't want to keep seeing her girlfriend, then she can just stop.

She was rude, needy and quite manipulative. She might also have depression but that doesn't mean she gets a free pass.

Either she's not that nice OR, if you really want to give her the benefit of the doubt, her depression is so serious and she's so deep in it that she is no way ready for a relationship.

Either way, end it.

Crikey the voting and several posts are very very disheartening. Is it really that depression is still so completely misunderstood in fucking 2026 still? Depression is a big black hole that sucks you in and paralyses you, it puts you on an autopilot where you just go through the motions feeling helpless, numb, confused, cold, alone, and utterly broken. It robs you of your agency. It robs you of your self.

Nope. You're the one deliberately misunderstanding.

It doesn't actually matter the reasons for the girlfriend's bad behaviour. Even if it was not her doing, even if she was not just being manipulative and unpleasant, even she was absolutely incapable of behaving well even if (insert reason/excuse here)

They're a couple of months in. OP's not her caregiver and doesn't want to be.

So that's that.

That does not excuse bad behaviour

“Being depressed doesn’t make people incapable of using their words”

Being depressed makes people take their own fucking lives, never mind using words. Clearly you have no idea what depression is.
I am happy for you and I wish you are never acquainted with it as it’s absolutely shitty. It’s a shitty voice in your head repeating to you all day long that you are not worth anything. When I’m at my worst, I almost completely stop eating, like I’ll have a bowl of porridge all day. I’ll stop washing myself. Because my brain tells me I am not worthy of food, I’m not worthy of cleanliness. Even typing this doesn’t make sense to me, HOW can your brain do that? It’s crazy and it’s shitty and it’s very real. I am so ashamed when I get like this. I can only imagine what my poor husband must be thinking when I’m going through a depressive episode. Mind this is me after years of therapy and still on medication.

Never mind…

You have no idea what you’re talking about.

Everyone as they get older brings baggage into a relationship, but if you stay with this person imagine a life of constantly treading on eggshells, not knowing what you’ve done to upset her that she won’t tell you about, and wondering when the next upset will be. Don’t passively chose that life as it will change you too. She needs to work on herself before she’s ready for a relationship.

Right.

And let's give the girlfriend the benefit of the doubt and believe for a second that she is actually completely incapable of saying "No thanks I don't want to go out" when experiencing a depressive episode - then they have absolutely no chance at any future anyway - because OP is not her caregiver and does not want to be.

The OP does not choose to be in a relationship with a woman who embarrasses her by behaving badly and who treats her badly - no matter the reasons. So that's that.

Having said a lot in my previous posts about how disheartening it is that an unreasonable amount of people quite clearly have no idea what they’re talking about when they talk about depression - but obviously goes without saying that nobody is obligated to stay in a relationship that doesn’t work for them for absolutely whatever reason, and @Malloryknoxsnose depression or no depression you should absolutely be choosing what is best for you and putting yourself first, especially as this is very early days in the relationship. Best of luck 🍀

I recognise her behaviour very, very well. I was her for several years. It probably is a rut she's stuck in, and might be something she has the capacity to be ashamed of on reflection.

The very worst thing that people did for me was to tiptoe around me and not call it out. It took a major event - a long-term relationship ending -and some harsh truths to get me to change.

The fact she hasn't acknowledged any fault, apologised, and doesn't even seem self-aware enough to explain why she behaved as she did also worrying. Agree with pp that this will not be the first time she does this and then tries to sweep it under the rug while making you feel like you're the problem.

Even if for arguments sake we accept that she can't help her behaviour I still think you should end it. OP it sounds like you are at least capable of building meaningful relationships with other people. This woman is going to drag you down and alienate you from others.

I would not continue this relationship OP depression is a hard one to navigate in any relationship but without any communication from her about it you’re on a pathway to misery.

I can give an outsider's perspective on this behaviour. Years ago, me and my BF socialised with 3 other couples - all our BF's worked together. We'd get together on a Friday night in the pub, sadly one of the GF's suffered from depression. She never drank - 'I'm not thirsty' and would sit there largely silent and not joining in. Her BF would over compensate, being really cheery, trying unsuccessfully to include her. The more people tried to include her, the more she withdrew. She just didn't want to be there.
The night would be uncomfortable for everyone, we tried our hardest with her, the girls would try to get her to open up but she wanted to be be back at home with her BF.
The nights out stopped as no one enjoyed them, there was resentment that 7 people couldn't let their hair down properly as we had someone with us who was bringing the mood down no matter what we said or did. We had sympathy for her but equally our evening was being impacted by her depression too.

I think your GF has given you an important insight into what life with someone with her condition/personality will look like. Its now up to you to decide whether this sort of social discomfort and unpredictability is something you're prepared to handle. Because she is clearly either unable or unwilling to mask her feelings (and it doesn't matter which as the outcome for you will be the same). So can you tolerate this, or is it best to walk away before it gets harder to?

I am sorry I didn't comeback to my thread. Just reading the new responses now. I have had a busy bank holiday but had also accidentally logged myself out of MN and struggled to get back in.

I do hear what people are saying about it being late on a Sunday night however (correct me if I am wrong!) I think that comes from it being the last day of the weekend and in my mind, people who do not work wouldn't have that same feeling about Sunday nights? That was why I didn't think of it being a Sunday being any sort of problem.

I had taken AL for her visit, wasn't working on the Monday and she doesn't work. Plus, although I prefer not to, I wouldn't mind having a couple of quiet drinks on a 'school night' now and again, provided I didn't have an especially early start/busy day. Maybe I have a different mindset.

I definitely didn't word it that way, I wasn't annoyed, I was upset and tried to get information in order to handle this sort of thing better.

I am not saying you're wrong, it is entirely possible that I am not good at this sort of thing, it isn't something that's within my realm of 'normal'.

I would appreciate if someone could explain what is manipulation here? I have an idea, but a few people have said it and I would like to know a bit more about where that is coming from. I definitely don't want a 'hard work' relationship (already had my fair share of those!) Although I do understand why it might be hard to express that you don't want to do something if someone else obviously wants to. The more I have thought about it, the more I think that if that was me, I would have just told my partner to go along, have a good time and I would stay in as I wasn't feeling it.

Yes, I do feel it was like that, she didn't want to go but was for whatever reason feeling unable to say so. I am not sure what you mean by ordering a drink at the right time? I have sometimes not wanted another one when someone else has, but I wouldn't ever not order one at all and then order one for myself but not the person I was with.

Yes, I am 'well known' in there, but she's never been anything but chatty and happy and sociable before, and I am always very mindful of her while she's there with me (even before the time in question). E.G I wouldn't just go off and talk to others, I include her in conversations and change subjects if people talk about something that's happened that she wouldn't know about--I like to think I have decent social/relationship skills.

My friend has spent a lot of time with her, has had us at events as his guests and hasn't ever seen her be any different. I don't find it odd that he's concerned.

Your whole post but especially this part;

As soon as someone expresses serious interest or love they devalue that person.
You're a thoughtful nice person who has committed to her and value her feelings so you must be wrong and you're now the safe space/emotional punchbag for her low self-esteem.
Your friends are welcoming so that means there's something wrong with them by definition.
It's a total psychological minefield. Epecially in her 40s shes not going to change.
In my 40s I don't help or get involved with people I perceive have too many problems.
As I'm quite empathetic/polite/cheerful/sensitive I tend to get dragged into their stuff too much, and they often look for an emotional scapegoat.

Feels very familiar and true. I am not one hundred percent sure why. I guess it makes total sense to me, that if someone has their self-worth in tatters, then anyone who assumes they don't and/or accepts them as as worthy as anybody else, then the person in question must have something wrong with them. Definitely a minefield, but that surface level summary makes sense. I trust my gut that this is her.

I am busy today but tomorrow I am going to have a look at counselling for myself, as there is something about me that is also that one who is 'dragged into their stuff' (meaning I have had this happen before). I just completely and utterly did NOT expect it with this one.

After our (VERY confusing and unpleasant, I am not someone who can deal well with being shouted at!) conversation the following evening, she did message asking if I loved her.

This in a nutshell.

"She was upset that I cared more about other people than her (as I had mentioned people had noticed and were asking me what was wrong)."

Guilt-tripping you like this. Silent treatment (shaking her head and not verbally replying in the pub). Embarrassing you by going into another room in the pub to sulk, so you won't suggest going out again with this friend as they will think even more badly of her (and your judgement of partners). Isolating you by making sure you don't suggest another Sunday night outing at all when she is visiting.