AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

[Malloryknoxsnose]

I am in a quite new relationship ( a few months) albeit have known this person a long time (around 5-6 years).

We've just spent a weekend together.

We planned the weekend, went out for the day on Saturday looking around a new city, and Sunday night we were just going to go to the pub near me for some drinks with a friend of mine. This is a pub I have a close connection to, I go in there on my way home from work, help organise events for them, I know most of the regulars and all the bar staff, she has been in there with me many times and always seemed happy there, has met most of my 'pub friends' and always had a good chat with them, all fine.

Sunday evening we were sitting watching TV and I said 'right, I will go and get myself ready' and she seemed surprised and asked 'for what?!' I reminded her that we were going to the pub to meet my friend.

She said she didn't know we were going and I reminded her that I had told her, but also said that if she didn't feel like it that was fine, I could cancel. She said it was okay and we both got ready and went. We got there around 9pm and the pub shuts at 1030pm, it wasn't going to be a long night(if relevant)!

When we got to the pub she was very quiet. I asked what she wanted to drink, she said she didn't want one. I was obviously surprised at this but tried to not make a big deal of it. Barman knows what she usually drinks and asked 'are you sure' and was also surprised, I asked if she wanted a soft drink instead, she said no.

My friend arrived and him and my girlfriend have a particular interest in 'real ales' and often spend time trying new ones and discussing them and he was telling her enthusiastically about the new one the pub had, and she barely grunted at him. He thinks a lot of her, we've spent time at events together and was very happy when we got together and was visibly confused.

I was half way through my glass of wine when I asked her if she wanted to leave, I could drive her straight back home if I didn't finish it, and she said no It's fine, to stay.

I was obviously worried about her and embarrassed but I didn't know what to do. At one point she took herself off in another room for a while, and then when she went to the loo my friend asked what was wrong with her, had we fallen out? I said no, nothing and I had no idea what was wrong.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

We had two more drinks in total but, after I had finished my second one (she hadn't had one at all at this point) I went to the loo and when I came back she had bought herself one but not me. I felt that this must have really meant she was upset with me for some reason and we left shortly following. We were sitting at the bar and I was noticing the bar staff looking at me try to work out what was wrong.

We talked a little when we got home, and she said she'd felt like crying all day, was very down and didn't know why. She was upset that I cared more about other people than her (as I had mentioned people had noticed and were asking me what was wrong). This isn't true at all! But I did find her behaviour very odd, and if I am honest, rude. She left yesterday after asking me to take her for lunch, where we did discuss some things again and she said she just didn't understand 'pub etiquette' hence her not buying me a drink when she bought her own. I said I wasn't concerned really about that particular small thing overall, but it looks weird to bar staff and isn't a very nice thing to do to me.

I am not completely naive regarding depression. I have suffered myself, but I wouldn't ever behave like this. AIBU to be feeling like this? What would others have done in this situation?

No, we met online as part of a wider friendship/meetup group and met very quickly and have spent time together many times over the past few years.

I have known other people who are very much like you describe, however! Including one friend I actually met up with and learned about the 'real him' very quickly but that's a tale for another thread.

sounds like two things going on

1. depression (fair enough, needs empathy and care)
2. and emotional abuse (from her to you)

why i’m thinking this? Because you seem like a kind person, trying to accommodate someone sulking. Second guessing yourself.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

i would run tbh

Sorry, I didn't explain that part well. We were all already sitting at the bar.
I went to the loo while my friend was still there but just about to leave, then I got back, he was just putting his coat on etc, she was buying herself a drink. I said bye to him then got my own.

This confused me as I assumed she'd want to go as soon as he had given she wasn't enjoying the evening.

Officially diagnosed, takes medication.

I did care about that, because it made everyone I know there (including me) very uncomfortable and these are people I see on a regular basis, and I was now left with very little opportunity to ask or ascertain what was wrong with her, (or care for her in any way) in a room full of people with my friend there who had no idea what was going on. It doesn't mean I don't care about her, nor I care about them more, I would've cancelled on my friend if I had have known how she felt.

It was very awkward and I had no idea what to do (in general, for her, or regarding what to say to my friend or to others who had also never seen her be that way before. Other than asking her if she was okay (which was also wrong) and if she wanted to leave (a no), I was left with very few options. I hadn't known anything was wrong before, I would have (hopefully obviously!) been supportive if I had.

I would have perhaps been quieter than normal, but I wouldn't have gone if I couldn't be sociable, or could only be completely out of character. I am not saying I have a deep understanding of depression, depression as severe as it seems she has it anyway. I just wish she'd have equipped me with the knowledge so that I didn't have to put us in that situation.

I think you’re being too intense and unsupportive of her. She clearly didn’t want to go out at 9pm on a Sunday night but she went anyway (people pleasing or feeling shame and wanting to hide her depression from you). She’s later confided in you and admitted she was feeling depressed that day which is why she wasn’t in good spirits at the pub. Your reaction is to focus in on her failure to buy you a drink, say you’ll never go to the pub with her again, and demand she tells you what to do differently next time. These aren’t the actions of an emotionally supportive partner. I don’t think you two are a good match. You have a vision of how people “should” behave and she isn’t meeting that standard.

Wait... are you the same poster whose girlfriend wanted you to cut short your dog-walk/chat in the pub with a friend because you hadn't told her in advance how long you would be - even though you don't live together and she wasn't with you that day?

If so, everyone told you on that thread that her behaviour was unhinged and controlling.

If that wasn't you, it's a hell of a coincidence because a lot of the details are the same.

So you feel embarrassed in front of your friends as she wasn't acting in a way that put you in a good light. It doesn't sound like you're caring about her feelings.

I'm sorry but depression can be so severe that the person self harms, never washes, never eats and never leaves the house for years. If you can't handle someone being quiet in a pub as it's so socially embarrassing for you then you should part ways with her.

Big no. Make her someone else's problem.

She sounds hard work and I wouldn’t have time for it. She should stay single until she can vocalise her needs. At the moment her behaviour just sounds quite manipulative towards your emotions.

Honestly sounds like she was feeling low and anxious and didn't really want to go out to socialise with your friends all evening but didn't know how to say she didn't want to.

I will say it does sound quite intense going to a place where everyone from the bar staff to the regulars knows the person you're with and wants to talk to you and is apparently spending the evening closely observing your behaviour and commenting on any anomalies. The bar staff should be doing their jobs not passing judgement on how your evening is going, or whether your partner has ordered a drink at exactly the right time. Is it possible the evening felt to her a bit like you showing off how well-known and popular you are rather than actually spending time with her? It would be easy to find that a bit overwhelming. I also think your friend does actually sound like he's involving himself a bit too much if he won't stop asking what the problem is etc.

Heavily disagree with this. Several people, in addition to the OP, noticed the GF behaving out of character. These are people who have met this woman multiple times in a pub she has been to frequently. It is normal to be confused and/or upset when someone is behaving very differently with no explanation, and it's not about caring more about what others think than the wellbeing of the person behaving oddly.

As a person who has suffered multiple MH crises because of severe anxiety and depression, including self-harm and suicide attempts, I think the GF was rude and inconsiderate. If she can't articulate that she'd prefer a night in when feeling low, then she needs to work on her self-advocacy skills instead of getting annoyed with the OP who is trying to understand how best to deal with situations like this in the future.

I agree with this. I've had two very severe mental illnesses. If I can't communicate in the lead up to or during an episode, I can at least talk about it afterwards, what DH could have done differently, what went wrong, but also how my behaviour impacted him.

She's "switched" as soon as you're committed to her?

There's definitely a type of person like this...nice to those they perceive as a bit distant/unattainable, but controlling and rude to people closer.

"Fireside devil" or "street angel, house devil" is a phrase used in some cultures.

As soon as someone expresses serious interest or love they devalue that person.

You're a thoughtful nice person who has committed to her and value her feelings so you must be wrong and you're now the safe space/emotional punchbag for her low self-esteem.

Your friends are welcoming so that means there's something wrong with them by definition.

It's a total psychological minefield. Epecially in her 40s shes not going to change.

In my 40s I don't help or get involved with people I perceive have too many problems.

As I'm quite empathetic/polite/cheerful/sensitive I tend to get dragged into their stuff too much, and they often look for an emotional scapegoat.

It's better if they're in a group or with people who are a bit brusque and detached.

I've found that this type ultimately tends to be very controlling/resentful. "No good deed goes unpunished".

You can't love people out of their own embedded issues.

If the genders in this scenario were switched (a boyfriend behaving in this way to his new girlfriend and her close friend), we’d all be screaming controlling behaviour and multiple red flags. Including trying to isolate you from your loved ones.

She was in the wrong here OP. My husband suffers from depression and it is difficult for him, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel hurt by his actions.

Some proper emotional blackmail in her response, there. You point out how hurt you were and she refuses to accept your feelings by acting as if it means you don’t love her.

So many red flags here. SO many.

Her behaviour had fuck all to do with her depression.

I speak as a depressive. It’s possible to be depressed and, separately, also a controlling, emotionally manipulative cunt.

Just because someone has depression, it doesn’t mean that everything they do is attributable to it. It just doesn’t.

I don't know if it did or not. He's saying he thinks it might be? She's saying she's depressed?

I just don't think being quiet and not that sociable in the pub is the end of the world either way.

They are both women.

You offered to cancel the evening, when she seemed surprised, that the pub was on the agenda. Your girlfriend said no and you went to the pub, meeting up with friends, that she's meet numerous times before. Your girlfriend was very quiet, refused a drink, and clearly didn't want to engage with your friends. You asked if she wanted to go home, the answer was no and also asked what was wrong/has you upset her.

@Sassylovesbooks I always find it really odd when posters repeat back exactly what the OP has told them, as if the OP and other readers need it all explaining to us.

100% it is. She knows what she’s doing .

OP you are tying yourself up in knots trying to understand her behaviour. You’ve spent days feeling like shit as a result of it and she’s made a mountain out of a molehill. All that’s happened is she didn’t want to go to the pub. That’s it. So why’s she made it into this massive thing? It’s utterly ridiculous-what’s she going to be like if you ever have to deal with a real crisis?

You’ve spent days dissecting every single second of a pub stop - that’s not a good use of your time or energy. Throw this one back.

There’s no ‘he’. They’re both women.

Sitting there with a face like a slapped arse, refusing even a soft drink, being rude and monosyllabic with people she’s previously been chatty with, and then buying herself a drink as soon as the OP left the room for two seconds isn’t just being a bit quiet. It’s a massive public sulk calculated to make the OP feel like shit.

Agree. It's not actually relevant her reasons for behaving badly, whether it is her fault or not.

The OP does not want to be humiliated in front of friends, or treated badly herself, even if her girlfriend could not help it.

So that's that, really. Relationship over.

This wouldn’t work for me at all. It reads as very immature and attention seeking.

It’s a new relationship, regardless of how long you’d known her beforehand. In your shoes I would conclude there’s a compatibility issue and save myself a lot of future trouble.