Needy man in the coffeeshop

[Member968405]

We have a lovely coffeeshop nearby: independent, great coffee and pastries, lots of plants. Much nicer than Costa. A few minutes in there is my only peaceful time, a few times a week.

Every single day an older man is sitting in there. He says he’s ‘writing’ but he looks up at every single person who comes in, with ‘please talk to me’ eyes.

I have tried to be friendly, but it’s never just a quick chat about the weather. It’s always something enormous and I can’t get away: gender, immigration, his life history at great length. Yesterday:

Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing.

I was determined not to get trapped again so I just smiled and walked away at that point. Then felt guilty a bit but it’s ridiculous at this point.

Why do some men think women owe them a conversation?

YABU: Talk to him every time
YANBU: Quick smile and sit somewhere else

F knows.

Yeah, it's not a gender thing, he's not a creep. He's just one of those people who ALWAYS needs to chat. I encounter this every single day on my dog walks and my runs. It's really annoying. I get an hour lunch break and will just get in the swing of my run, and then someone will stop me and say "haven't seen you for a long time! Let me tell you about what my dog's been up to!" (real life conversation last week). I LOVE to hear about my neighbours' dogs and I like a good chat, but when I'm mid-run and they flag me down, it's really annoying. If you've ever been sprinting and then feel like you have to stop dead because someone's called out "cooey!" you'll know how hard it is.

I even asked my partner for advice because I was starting to lose my entire lunch break to listening to people talking, and would miss my run or spend my dogs' walk standing still listening to someone chat. Cue, very bored dogs and a total waste of time.

I'm trying to wave and say "hi!" but to keep walking now. It's really hard when you are naturally friendly - but some people really are just time sponges. You have to know when to make them stop. I find it so hard but I am practising!

When he says "People can be so disappointing", she could reply:

"They can be can't they, they're always fucking moaning! I just tell them, "Not my problem mate, stick it up your arse!""

Then chuckle pleasantly and go and order her cake.

I just need to stop that. I’m wrestling with the fact that he’s stopped me going to my favourite cafe though, and it feels as though it’s because of his behaviour. I feel we’ve gone beyond the point where I could blank him.

He hasn't stopped you, OP. YOU have!

You have more choices than to over-indulge him or blank him.

If you are incapable of saying 'Hi, you here again? Lovely. I'm here for my blessed daily silence. Boy do I need it' and walking away, that is on YOU.

You need to spend some time thinking about why you allowed yourself to get drawn into long conversations that irk you, repeatedly, to the point that you change to a different coffee shop, which irks you again, when all you needed to do is open your mouth!

It is perfectly OK for the two of you to have opposing needs and still share the same space.

Yeah agreed! Weird!

Just say hi and go and sit down. Don't ask how he is. That's polite but it's not inviting a conversation.

The OP's going out her way to be annoyed at this old boy. If his replies are going to piss you off, don’t speak to him, ffs. Problem solved. Then, of course, she comes on here to berate the poor old soul.

those of us with little alone time need very clear boundaries.
rechargong is absolutely vital

I would hand him a befriending service leaflet next time you see him. I had a customer like this once when I worked in a pub, his wife had died a few years before and he basically lived in the pub. He was miserable but turned out he just wanted company and when he let his guard down (took a long time) he was a really decent bloke full of some of the best stories. I even invited him out to my birthday drinks!
Eventually he ended up in a care home, but he did thank me for giving him some happy memories!

Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing

I am not sure he's entirely to blame here OP!

All you can do is look at your own interaction with him and work on that. Nothing open ended seems like a good start! No questions.

Also if he does take up too much of your time you can stop him at any point "I hate to interrupt but I only have a quick lunch break so I need to get on, have a good day"

I’m afraid that I’m with other posters who think you are at least half responsible fir the situation.

Changimg cafe is your choice. And there is no ‘too far away to just blank him’. It might be uncomfortable to ignore him or yo say, if he is saying hello to you first - which he never does?- ‘I’m sorry but I’m not up for a chat today’ and then move away.
the reality is that your feelings of being uncomfirtable having a ‘tought/uncomfirtable’ discusdion, aka putting boundaries, that is driving you away from that cafe. Not him. Not the least because he isn’t the one initiating the conversation.

No, he hasn’t actually. He looks at you. That’s it. You keep walking over and talking to him. Does everyone else do that as well, during your time in the cafe do you see everyone else do that too? Or do they just get on with their coffee and pastry without this guy interfering?

Stop talking to him. Just stop. You don’t need to avoid the cafe. Just grow a backbone maybe.

I see I’m in the minority here, but I think it’s lovely to chat to local people and potentially even build a friendship. That doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries and tell them that you just need to sit quietly by yourself for some headspace on some days. In this situation I’d say something like “I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope your day improves. My week has been really busy so I’m looking forward to sitting quietly with a coffee and my book for a few minutes”.

He’s there ‘every single day’ and looks at everyone that comes in.
Why do you ask him how he is, if you’re not interested in his answer? Bizarre.

Of course you can pull back (and no, you don’t have to change cafes).

Go somewhere else for a couple of weeks if you want to create a break. Then switch to non-inviting greetings (Hi, lovely day, hope the writing’s going well!) continue to the counter, get your treat, and sit somewhere away.

Unless you think the break would invite conversation about where you’ve been - in which case just carry on and pull back.

It is 100% in your gift to stop having these lengthy conversations. The only thing stopping you is your mindset and ‘manners’.

For god’s sake don’t be put off your favourite cafe!

Its not just men who do this. Ive come across women who have tried to suck any ounce of joy or peace from me too. Many lonely people are energy drainers.

He is being emotionally manipulative but stop engaging. Cut him off mid sentence and sit somewhere else.

Many lonely people are energy drainers

If other humans have the capacity to drain, then others must have the capacity to refill.
Only neither is true. We are repsonsible for ourselves.

But do you ever try to engage him in small talk? He probably goes into those topics because he's lonely and if he has all day to read the paper and watch the news then that is what he is exposed to. He probably isn't that interested himself. He just doesn't know what else to bring up.

Next time he says something on a topic you don't want to get into, maybe just say "I don't know about that. My focus today is on my garden. How do you think I could get rid of snails?" or whatever small talk conversation you would be interested in talking about. He'll either take the lead and enjoy talking about something you're interested in, or he'll be bored and find a way out of your conversation.

Or if you just do't want to talk to him at all. Just smile and say "hello" and don't follow up with "how are you?"

duplicate post removed

Its not just men that do this women do it to.
Believe me I have met a few, i lived next door to one for 5 long year, thank good i moved in the end.

Me: Hi how are you? @Member968405

That's your mistake from the start.

Just say hi if it's unavoidable and move on to your table.

This is a problem entirely of your own creation.

He looks up with a 'sad face'. Maybe he's sad because the opening door breaks his train of thought. Maybe he's sad to see 'that weird woman who always talks to me when I'm trying to write'. Maybe he's writing a sad story. Maybe he just has one of those faces. 'Talk to me eyes' is similarly your intererpretation.

You are the one approaching him. You are the one initiating conversation, and asking questions to extend it. Perhaps his choice of deep and controversial topics instead of small talk is in the hope it will put you off.

You don't have to do any of this. You could say help and walk in. You could say nothing and just smile. You could - radical thought - not interact with him at all. Walk in, place your order, take a seat, without giving him any thought whatsoever.

He isn't stopping you doing anything. His behaviour that you're so bothered by you're thinking of avoiding an entire building consists of looking up when the door opens - he may not even realise he's doing it. Everything that follows is your choice.