Needy man in the coffeeshop

[Member968405]

We have a lovely coffeeshop nearby: independent, great coffee and pastries, lots of plants. Much nicer than Costa. A few minutes in there is my only peaceful time, a few times a week.

Every single day an older man is sitting in there. He says he’s ‘writing’ but he looks up at every single person who comes in, with ‘please talk to me’ eyes.

I have tried to be friendly, but it’s never just a quick chat about the weather. It’s always something enormous and I can’t get away: gender, immigration, his life history at great length. Yesterday:

Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing.

I was determined not to get trapped again so I just smiled and walked away at that point. Then felt guilty a bit but it’s ridiculous at this point.

Why do some men think women owe them a conversation?

YABU: Talk to him every time
YANBU: Quick smile and sit somewhere else

I can see why it would be annoying when you’ve gone there for a bit of peace and quiet.
Equally I think back to how my grandparents could have been viewed similarly. They were often so desperate for conversation that it could be painful to watch. But there was no malice in it.
I often see an elderly gentleman in the supermarket, we must shop at the same time every week. He always wants to chat and makes a fuss of dd. Sometimes I have more time than others but I’d always have a quick chat, it really can make the difference to people.
I wouldn’t be getting dragged into any deep political debates or anything though.

It's hard to backtrack, I get that OP.

I think next time you go in, you sort of tackle it head on.

Him: Morning

You: Morning.

Him: I'm so upset my the news this morning.

You: I'm sorry to hear that, but I really need some quiet/alone time. I don't get many opportunities where I am not either at work or parenting - just when I come here really - and I have private things to think about and just need to just sit quietly on my own. From the conversations we've had, I know you'll understand how important that is. Have a lovely morning.

Or something like that in your own words.

Make it about you not him
Flatter him that you know he will understand
Move along

I don't think the op would be up for that, which is fair she doesn't want to engage to deeply.

What are 'please talk to me eyes'? If you don't want to engage, don't. Not sure it's a gender thing. Or just smile on your way in and make your way to the counter. As someone else said, if you want to be sociable and ask questions, then don't create such a fuss. You already know he has a habit of talking about all kinds of topics, so why not learn from experience?

He looks at everyone not just women so let's not make this a sexist thing....it's very simple.

Change this:Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing.

To this:
Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: Sorry to hear that. I hope your day improves. Nice to see you - have a lovely rest of day and then walk away.

Tbh this is why I’ve stopped replying to some friends texts. It’s so surface level and I don’t want to participate in the charade .

They clearly don’t want to hear how you are doing, even when they know you’re struggling with something like grief or poor physical health.

Fair enough maybe they don’t have emotional capacity to listen, but in that case it’s best not to ask. Fakeness is so annoying.

There is a scheme called Chatty Cafe? If you can stand it OP maybe mention this.

Other than that a very short exchange is all that is needed.

It's coming your way folks! Old age. Quicker than you think.

(Hypothetically)

Small kid last week chucked a bit of Lego at my chair in a cafe. He was running around shouting and basically annoying the arse off every single parent. Reporting this event on here, I have to tolerate and seek to understand and accept the disability which is adhd.

But then

Old bloke sitting as a customer in a cafe says something doom laden as I enter cafe and walk past him to get my own seat. And reporting this event on here, I have to bin him off as a misfit wanker with zero social skills.

What a complete fuckup we are living through.

Totally agree with this. Every man for himself is the basis of our society now and it’s pretty damn sad.

You’re not some poor little defenceless women being targeted. Put your earphones in, and just sit down with your back to him. Also the guilt you are feeling is entirely your own choosing.

Interspersed with cries of "where's my village???"

You poor, sad people.

This isnt about friends though.
Its about the social expectations around polite greetings in passing between people who are acquainted with one another.

Im sorry your friends arent there for you. Thats a completely different situation to the op's random bloke in a coffee shop.

Fuck that. I’d avoid the place

We have to protect ourselves if we are kind. Even in this depleted state there are still a few places to go and make connections.
I would suggest a compromise might be to give the guy some pointers on places to go. You could even follow it up with a " How did the knitting club at the library go?"

Of course this involves engaging.

Are you not able to manage a hello and not engage further? OP is engaging further, why can’t she stop?

I was recently on a bus. I was just putting my earbuds in to listen to music and a woman moved from the front of the bus to sit next to me.

Woman: 'I don't like sitting on my own'

I smiled politely, put my earbuds in and music on.

After a few minutes she moved back to her original seat! She had obviously sized me up as a good victim person to chat to, and huffed off when it was apparent I wasn't interested.

Another one - I used to volunteer in a museum cafe. A man sat down with his coffee and said to me

'Do you think this country is overcrowded?'

I had a suspicion that I knew where he was going with this, (immigrants) so I just tinkly laughed and said that I didn't know enough about it to comment. Unfortunately I was stuck with him while he drank his coffee but we managed to avoid this subject.

Since reaching middle age I am no longer prepared to be a stranger's entertainment on their journey/waiting for a train/drinking their cup of tea. I no longer care if I piss them off.

I wouldn’t want to take the risk of him making a beeline for me. I’d say hello but then I know I’d feel irritated and uncomfortable.

@FavouriteBiggle Yep. I spent 40 years at work having to engage with people I didn’t want to. No more. Not interested. Couldn’t care less.

So what!! Are you a Peter Ustinov grade raconteur then??

Exactly this. No wonder people are so anxious these days when we normalise not being able to cope with basic, mundane interactions. It’s really not complicated, either smile then move on and ignore or indulge him for a few minutes. Really cannot comprehend how this interaction is so difficult that you’re considering not going to the cafe just to avoid it. Sounds like it was your fault for engaging with him in the past and now he expects it, you should have cut it off after the first or second time he gave you a long speech if it bothers you rather than coming back for more by starting a conversation with him.

I think the point was it's not pleasantries. It's a big ol downer, so immediately off-putting to most people going about their day. No wonder they've got no one to chat to if that's the kinda vibes they're spreading.

OP is 100% falling foul of the great British need to be overly polite and play along with things we really don't want to.

That said, I know how it feels to crave alone time and see 20 minutes in a coffee shop with no interaction as an absolute treat.

Time for her to start defending her needs and, yes, a big part of that is not inviting in conversations she'd rather avoid!

But OP says hello, then asks how he is and then complains!

Why would anyone who doesn’t want to
talk, do that?