AIBU to feel hurt that school mum friends socialise with my ex?

[Starbuck80]

I think I need some perspective on a situation I’m in with some school mums.

My daughter started reception in Sept 2024 and I became quite close to about 5 mums and was in a WhatsApp group with them where we’d meet up for coffee and have play dates. I split with my ex in Feb 2025 (we’re a same sex couple) and I asked for some boundaries as we still lived together (and still do 😩) and so we agreed for my ex to have the NCT mums and I’d spend time with the school mums as I was closer to them. I was hoping this would give us both the opportunity to get some support with what was going on. I’m also a SAHM so the school mums were a real lifeline for me.

Fast forward to last summer and my ex decided to set up her own WhatsApp group with my mum friends and started arranging play dates with the kids and adult coffee dates. This really upset me as we’d agreed to keep friendship groups separate and I’d confided in the mums. I asked my ex to stop but she refused to and the mums would only apologise after the event.

Now we’re at the beginning of April 2026 and my ex is still doing it. The two mums who are the main ones, keep apologising and saying that they’re my friend but continue to arrange play dates and meet ups with my ex. Today my daughter told me that my ex reached out to another close mum friend of mine to arrange a play date with the kids and my friend said yes.

I’m pretty devastated tbh as I’ve confided in this particular friend about the reasons for my marriage breakdown and how my ex has behaved since the split and now she’s socialising with her. I haven’t confronted her about it as I really don’t know what to say without sounding bonkers.

I’m also on the verge of leaving the mums WhatsApp group as all i keep thinking is how can i have honest conversations with them when they’re socialising with my ex?

Am I overreacting

And later in the thread she said that she merely SUGGESTED IT and the reasons why SHE decided who was allowed to be friends with who

So the fact the STBXW didn't go along with it (understandable) means she clearly didn't agree

You can't choose who anyone is friends with.

No, she said it was her suggestion. She initially stated that they agreed and nothing OP has said contradicts this

What are you talking about?

I’m annoyed at my ex because we respectfully agreed to give each other space and she’s gone back on that and is using ‘playdates’ to meet her FOMO of missing out on stuff.

Case in point - I took our daughter to a birthday party last week and the mum is a good friend of mine. My ex was annoyed as she wanted to take our daughter so she could get out of having to stay at home and looking after our son. Next thing I know, my ex has reached out to my friend to arrange a play date to the cinema for tomorrow. My daughter didn’t ask for the play date and certainly isn’t bothered about going with this particular friend so why reach out to this friend who she’s never had anything to do with?

I’m hurt by my friends, and yes I called them friends as by the age of 45, I thought I could identify true friendship from something fleeting, because they told me one thing but their actions showed the opposite. Surely most people would be confused by that?

I never asked for an explanation from the friend that apologised about socialising with my ex. She told me because she felt that my ex was being sneaky as she was asking for play dates in front of the children which made it difficult to say no to.

I did suggest it and she agreed.

I didn’t tell my ex who she could be friends with but suggested a way forward to ensure we had support systems and it seemed totally logical at the time. If you’d ever been through a messy divorce, you might understand.

I have never tried to stop any of the school mums from being friends with just one of us. All I’ve been trying to say is that I’m confused by their behaviour and could never imagine saying one thing to a person and doing the opposite.

My ex can be friends with whoever she wants, the mums can be friends with whoever they want. I’m just going to remove myself from the triangle and seek friendships that my ex isn’t involved in.

As you're separating, maybe it would be better for the biological mother only, to take the child to playdates. Then the children are not being used by the adults to facilitate socialising. It's not clear which of you is the biological mother.

I understand your reasoning... but it's absolutely insane. It impacts your shared children who you seem to be completing overlooking here for fear that your children's friends parents might prefer your ex to you.

I haven't been through a messy divorce. But I've spent 10 years at my DHs side, watching his ex try to to dictate this petty kind of stuff... complaining that my SS went on playdates from school during his access time, complaining that he went to the movies with a kid who happened to be his neighbour at his mums but we knew from a sport we brought him too, complaining that my DH replied to things on the school WhatsApp group etc.

You can have mutual friends... particularly when these friends derived from your shared child's social life. You just don't need to tell these people your whole life story. Tell your friends or family who are not connected to your ex.

You call it your ex having FOMO, but surely spending time with your daughter is a good thing. I think part of the issue seems to be that you don't have set parental roles agreed (where you parent on X days, she parents Y days). You should address this in your upcoming court case.

Seriously?

You’re bringing biology into this?

It doesn’t matter who the biological mother is - we’ve both been there from their conception and are both their parents, legally and emotionally.

What? That's a bizarre idea...
Why would it matter which parent is the biological parent? Would you suggest that if it was a heterosexual relationship... the Father doesn't get to do activities or playdates with the kids? 🙄

What? That's a bizarre idea...
Why would it matter which parent is the biological parent? Would you suggest that if it was a heterosexual relationship... the Father doesn't get to do activities or playdates with the kids? 🙄

Wow this friend actually said your ex was being sneaky as she was asking for play dates in front of the children which made it difficult to say no to. ?

Yes I can't see how that makes a difference. You're both parents.

Exactly why the reasoning is the same re who “gets” what friends..

Not really but each to their own…

I think we can all see what the OP was trying to achieve with the division of friends. Majority won't agree because it doesn't seem rational and obviously didn't work anyway.

But it's absolutely bonkers that anyone would try to suggest they should divide playdates based on biology.

This.

I think your resolution of finding a less intertwined group of friends is the best option here. Honestly the best case scenario with all this isn’t great - at some point it will be awkward or difficult and it’s your child who will suffer most if their friends start avoiding play dates with her altogether to avoid this mess. Just refocus on your actual friends, not your recent mum friends - even if you have to go find them.

Personally I have no interest in drama so would just avoid all of you while you sorted out who was allowed to be where - frankly, a friendship of a few months isn’t worth the headache.

"I’m hurt by my friends, and yes I called them friends as by the age of 45, I thought I could identify true friendship from something fleeting, because they told me one thing but their actions showed the opposite. Surely most people would be confused by that?"

OP, I understand this. I was surprised that some of my good friends, and even someone I considered a 'second mum' (not a blood relative) weren't able to shift to a more private friendship.

There were various reasons - I think actually the main one is that they think it is polite to avoid "taking sides". So if Ex reaches out, they feel that out of politeness they should accept. They also think that 'good' people manage divorce amicably for the sake of the children, and always put the children first. So to be 'good' they continue a casual friendship with Ex. They don't understand that amicable divorce isn't always possible, and to some extent the children's lives will change but that's ok, especially if its important for the mental health of their primary carers. They also don't understand that for awhile - sometimes several years - there are alot of emotions, sometimes even litigation, and some space is important.

But ultimately all you can do is keep your own boundaries. So if a friend is not sufficiently private, you have to move on - at least while you need privacy from your Ex.

You can't divide up friendships like they're marital assets!

A general comment not primarily dedicated to you OP. I can't understand the obsession with making new 'friends' especially school related friends when raising a family. I just couldn't be bothered with the associated drama. Life is stressful enough without this nonsense. It makes me realise my DH, my family, my couple of very close friends plus my extended family on both sides are all I need to be contented. I always avoided play dates etc & left them to the inevitable playground cliques. My children were no less popular & birthday parties were attended & reciprocated. It made for a far happier & in that particular respect a stress free life. I simply never had to worry about who was doing what & with who. I couldn't have cared less & now my children have flown the nest I'm still the same.

Ok, good for you but some people like to have groups of friends beyond their immediate family.

We are all different and I don't think the OP is odd to want to cultivate friends amongst the school families; it's here that a lot of people find lasting friendships.
I know that I definitely did and am glad that I made the effort.

But there’s no drama. There’s drama on Mn because the posters posting about it are doing so because they have a problem, and because Mn is disproportionately full of people who struggle socially. I’ve never experienced a moment’s drama in any of my friendships in my life. They’re people I like, and whose company I enjoy and which has enriched my life. I also have a big family I’m close to. It’s not either/or.

Exactly. Have also experienced 0 drama even when my exH and I split.
The good friends I made were there for me but caused no drama for either of us, just offered kindness & support. Like friends do.

So if you don't have family around you'd recommend I just never spend time with anyone else besides my kids? Odd judgement to make. I don't make friends via my kids' friends (yes, I am friendly to whoever, and I've had coffees and such now and again, but they aren't really my friends) but obviously I've made plenty of friends as an adult. Would be terribly lonely otherwise!

I agree you can’t divide friends or de ode who talk to who
but in this situation I don’t see those school mums as your friends. Friends have empathy and respect friendship boundaries.
school m friends are usually logistically practical when you stop seeing them in the school run… it soon becomes out of sight out of mind. So I’d say move on. Find your own circles