AIBU to feel hurt that school mum friends socialise with my ex?

[Starbuck80]

I think I need some perspective on a situation I’m in with some school mums.

My daughter started reception in Sept 2024 and I became quite close to about 5 mums and was in a WhatsApp group with them where we’d meet up for coffee and have play dates. I split with my ex in Feb 2025 (we’re a same sex couple) and I asked for some boundaries as we still lived together (and still do 😩) and so we agreed for my ex to have the NCT mums and I’d spend time with the school mums as I was closer to them. I was hoping this would give us both the opportunity to get some support with what was going on. I’m also a SAHM so the school mums were a real lifeline for me.

Fast forward to last summer and my ex decided to set up her own WhatsApp group with my mum friends and started arranging play dates with the kids and adult coffee dates. This really upset me as we’d agreed to keep friendship groups separate and I’d confided in the mums. I asked my ex to stop but she refused to and the mums would only apologise after the event.

Now we’re at the beginning of April 2026 and my ex is still doing it. The two mums who are the main ones, keep apologising and saying that they’re my friend but continue to arrange play dates and meet ups with my ex. Today my daughter told me that my ex reached out to another close mum friend of mine to arrange a play date with the kids and my friend said yes.

I’m pretty devastated tbh as I’ve confided in this particular friend about the reasons for my marriage breakdown and how my ex has behaved since the split and now she’s socialising with her. I haven’t confronted her about it as I really don’t know what to say without sounding bonkers.

I’m also on the verge of leaving the mums WhatsApp group as all i keep thinking is how can i have honest conversations with them when they’re socialising with my ex?

Am I overreacting

Yes, I completely agree with this ^^

And I do think that you need to think of your children first. If your ex is friendly with parents at school, that can only benefit them - believe me. Your children will be included in lots of things.

As do I, how do you broach that subject?
”Now Susie, Claire and Beth, you’ll only be seeing and speaking to me, do NOT contact Sally or I will be most upset. Mary, Jane and Alice, nice knowing you, but we are done as friends. Your opinion is not sought in this matter fyi.”

I agree. These school mums are going to be on the scene for years, so as hard as it might be you're best trying to keep channels of communication open.

This - this isn’t a long term established group of friends, it’s a situational loose gathering. Not unlike the early weeks of secondary school or of university when you pal up for convenience with what seems like your people but which often changed totally within a couple of months as you got to know others.

I feel sorry for this WhatsApp group - they are apologising to you for socialising with someone, which suggests you have confronted or complained to them about it. A massive overstep of behaviour on your part, no matter how much you think you have rights to them because you have allocated them in a split. And the support you have felt by confiding the innermost details of your relationship - are you sure everyone wanted that and are fully on your side, and not just nodding along sympathetically to someone unloading ? Maybe they have their own concerns and would rather talk about their children, local events or other lighter matters. I’d lean on your longer term, pre ex, proven friends or family for support in this difficult time for your family.

I think you are being given an unnecessarily hard time here OP.

You and your ex agreed to give each other space by socialising with different friendship groups as you adjusted to the break up which is understandable and really not as odd and "controlling" as people are saying.
But your ex went back on that & started socialising with the group you were spending time with & had confided in.

Obviously that is going to make you feel uncomfortable and awkward and it may well be designed to, who knows?

I think the real problem here is that friendships made at the school gates are often transitory and fickle & may not last beyond the primary years. Confiding in these friends is not advisable.

Do you have any close friends from before your relationship with your ex? If you do, these are the friendships to cultivate & nurture & these are the people to confide in. Or close family members.

I would not let your feelings about your ex socialising with these people show but would keep these friendships on a looser footing & just based around your child's social life. Stop confiding in them.

Invest in older friendships that are just "yours" or look forward to making new ones when you get into work. Or join a gym/class/club that is just for you.

Thanks for your post @cloudtreecarpet.
I’m not sure why everyone thinks I was trying to divide and control people. It was simply a suggestion based on our current circumstances and the relationships we had at the time. My ex was closer to her NCT friends so I thought I was doing the right thing by stepping back from their social events. I respected my ex enough to know that she needed support and wanted to give her the space to vent. Also, I’ve accepted that by walking away from that group, I now have to find new people to arrange play dates with for our 2yr old. I wouldn’t dream of messaging her friends and asking for a play date.

I’ve now muted the WhatsApp group and will say hi to the parents when I see them but that’s as far as I can go at the moment. A good friend of mine (also a school mum that I’ve know since the kids were at nursery) said the same thing about the friendships. Don’t invest too much and see them for what they are - people to grab a coffee with or chat with at a kids party.

Also, just to note that the relationships I had with the women in the WhatsApp group was, I thought, going to be long term. Over past year we’ve seen a lot of each other both in terms of play dates and adult meet ups. One ‘friend’ in particular was very vocal about my ex and kept telling me how awful it must be going through the divorce and kept reminding me that she was there for me. Three months later I find out that she’s been inviting my ex over to her house to play board games 🤨

Also, just to say that I’ve NEVER told or indicating any of the mums that they must choose between me and my ex.

equally, though, what are the school mums meant to do? Turn their backs on the ex in the playground? That’s if they’ve even been told that they’re OP’s friends, NOT the ex’s. They shouldn’t have to apologise after meeting her. It’s none of OP’s business.

it must all feel quite raw but your ex INBU to get to know the parents of the kids her kids play with and to arrange play dates with them, especially when the flip side would be ‘oh, she’s so lazy, she can’t even be arsed to set up play dates for her kids on her time’.

I didn't mean to give you a hard time, you have a lot going on. The most important thing to focus on now is a proper separation - separated and living together with someone you have this difficult a relationship with cannot be a long term solution.

I genuinely think the confusion here is the thought that friendships that are child based are permanent. They might be, but that's rare and special. Mostly people who are friends through their kids wouldn't be friends without the children being friends so these naturally shift around as the children get older and have dropoff playdates or their own relationships with different children at school. If your child stops being friends with this group of children, you might never see these women again so it's best to develop your own separate relationships with people you have more in common with than having the same aged child.

Obviously you couldn't possibly tell any other adult that they have ended up on your or her lists and cannot talk to the other person, so these things are going to naturally fall out as they will - I am sure there are plenty of other things going on here, but this particular one isn't really your ex's fault - the lying is problematic for the two of you, but if other women want to hang out with her she can't exactly say 'no, you aren't my friend anymore, your OP's friend only'.

I’m not sure why everyone thinks I was trying to divide and control people. It was simply a suggestion based on our current circumstances and the relationships we had at the time.

If it was a 'suggestion', then I can't see why you're as outraged as if it had been a court order. Suggestions are ideas put out there that may not actually happen, or may modify based on circumstances, as this has.

Also, just to say that I’ve NEVER told or indicating any of the mums that they must choose between me and my ex.

And yet that seems to be exactly what you expected, if you are outraged that a school mum friend said she was there for you and also invited your ex around for board games.

I think you're hyper-focused on the friendships because you're still living with your ex. Ending that should be your priority.

Also, presumably you have friends other than your NCT group and people you met on the school run? Lean on them if needed.

We split in Feb 2025 and my ex has refused to engage with the financial settlement and without that finalised, I can’t move out or move on. She controls all the finances and is punishing me for the divorce. She’s meant to go into the office three times per week but barely goes in once per week so unless I leave the house for extended periods of time, she’s always home.

She also thinks it’s in the kids interests to stay living in the same house - it’s really not, especially with our 6yr old asking why we sleep in separate rooms. I’m broken and the kids (and friends) are the only things that are keeping me going.

I really sympathise, networks of friends are so important. But as others have said even though you had an agreement that your ex is reneging on it’s out if your control. I would seek out a network that is separate from mums groups to get support from.

Don't you think it's time you stopped focusing on incidentals like who socialises with which friends, and got yourself back into the workplace, though? That way you are generating your own income and not entirely financially reliant on an uncooperative ex.

I mean, I'm sympathetic, because it sounds like a really difficult mess, but you're focusing on the wrong thing. Worrying about who gets which friends is like moving the deckchairs on the Titanic at this point.

What does your legal adviser advise next?

That’s good for you now in some ways. You have childcare constantly so you can go and apply for jobs, focus on your hobbies, seek support for dv.

she sounds really controlling and difficult. I know it’s hard but you’ve got to make other friends outside of her. And warn them you’ve got an ex like this so she can’t do this with them too.

I imagine if you start going out having fun she will quickly want to do the same and you’ll get your house and your child back for some points.

i have been in your position - I was in a ltr a woman and it ended terribly, we had property and mutual friends. You’ve seen how hard it is for women to get other people to take dv seriously when it’s men - it’s even harder when it’s a woman.

please reach out to a dv service. They can support you through this. They will know all the tricks in the book I promise you

"She controls all the finances"

What do you propose to do when you do divorce? You're going to need to earn money, so perhaps start focusing on that instead of who is allowed be friend swith who. I'm bamboozled that you keep calling your ex controlling (which may well be the case) but you can't see your own controlling behaviour in trying to force friendships. It sounds like the 2 seperate NCT and School groups are related to 2 different children anyway so it makes even less sense than you'd 'divide' them.

We were married for 12yrs, so I am legally entitled to half the marital assets. Without access to them, I can’t put a deposit down for a house or rent. Becoming financially independent is of course the goal but I’ve also got a two year old who is currently with me full time because my ex is unwilling to contribute to nursery fees.

Telling someone to stop financially relying on their ex is not always straight forward.

We have our first Court date on the 14 April to make sure all the documents are in order than an FDR after that. I’ve spoken to three different solicitors and they’ve all said the same thing - I’m entitled to half the marital assets

Call me petty but I'd be gently getting involved in her NCT group of friends.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander!

Why aren't you in contact with a domestic abuse charity?
Help yourself by doing so.

When you go through something like this you find out which friends you can rely on and I think this is what is happening to you right now.
The mum friend you mention probably enjoys the gossip but isn't someone to invest any more time in.
Given time you will find your crowd. Xx

She might not have been friends with the school mums to start with, but that surely doesnt mean she can never be friends with them? As you go on with school the friends your kids make there become their whole world so to exclude your ex from having contact with them is unreasonable.

Also dont put any of this on the school friends, you cannot dictate to them anything.

I totally agree with you. It’s weird she is reaching out to friends that she knows you are close to and rely on. It’s controlling and she knows it annoys you and you rely on them. If this was a man reaching out it would be a different story.
I would back off from the friend group to be honest and tell them the proper reason, she is trying to control everything and they are perfectly in their right to meet with her but you don’t need to meet with them any more, as you can’t feel comfortable that they have been with the ex, and you understand you can’t expect them to choose so you will control the narrative yourself. Them move on from them.
time to look for
new friends, doesn’t have to be mum friends. Try someone or something you like just for you, not for
play dates for kids.

And defo look at getting back to work so she can’t control finances either. Your now a
single parent, soon she will have to did another place so get ready to support yourself and take pride in your independence.

It does. The OP and her ex reached a respectful agreement about their friends. The ex is now doing the opposite to what was agreed.

I get it @Starbuck80 . My ex did this too. I cut off the people who were actively disloyal and my proper friends ignored him. How much longer will you be living under the same roof?

I find it surprising to see the number of people who don't get what the OP is trying to say here.
And agree with you - OP, back away from anyone who has offered tea & sympathy and listened to your story but is now welcoming your ex with open arms. Those are not people you want to be hanging out with.

We’re negotiating a private FDR for the beginning of July so if we can agree finances then, hopefully I can start looking for a new place and be able to move by the end of the year. More likely early 2027 though ☹️