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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt that school mum friends socialise with my ex?

151 replies

Starbuck80 · 30/03/2026 16:14

I think I need some perspective on a situation I’m in with some school mums.

My daughter started reception in Sept 2024 and I became quite close to about 5 mums and was in a WhatsApp group with them where we’d meet up for coffee and have play dates. I split with my ex in Feb 2025 (we’re a same sex couple) and I asked for some boundaries as we still lived together (and still do 😩) and so we agreed for my ex to have the NCT mums and I’d spend time with the school mums as I was closer to them. I was hoping this would give us both the opportunity to get some support with what was going on. I’m also a SAHM so the school mums were a real lifeline for me.

Fast forward to last summer and my ex decided to set up her own WhatsApp group with my mum friends and started arranging play dates with the kids and adult coffee dates. This really upset me as we’d agreed to keep friendship groups separate and I’d confided in the mums. I asked my ex to stop but she refused to and the mums would only apologise after the event.

Now we’re at the beginning of April 2026 and my ex is still doing it. The two mums who are the main ones, keep apologising and saying that they’re my friend but continue to arrange play dates and meet ups with my ex. Today my daughter told me that my ex reached out to another close mum friend of mine to arrange a play date with the kids and my friend said yes.

I’m pretty devastated tbh as I’ve confided in this particular friend about the reasons for my marriage breakdown and how my ex has behaved since the split and now she’s socialising with her. I haven’t confronted her about it as I really don’t know what to say without sounding bonkers.

I’m also on the verge of leaving the mums WhatsApp group as all i keep thinking is how can i have honest conversations with them when they’re socialising with my ex?

Am I overreacting

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 30/03/2026 16:16

You can’t force friends to take sides.

it’s all very well saying that you’ll have those friends and she’ll have these other ones but the friends have their own point of view and you can’t stop them still being friends with the other person.

TittyGajillions · 30/03/2026 16:16

You really can't dictate who people are friends with.

TMFF · 30/03/2026 16:18

Not only are you overreacting, but you're treating these women like objects.

"and so we agreed for my ex to have the NCT mums"

Stop trying to divide people into 'Her friend/My friend' or you'll be left with absolutely no friends.

Plenty of adults manage to split up without making their friendship groups feel awkward.

I think you need to learn to do this.

Original poster
Starbuck80 · 30/03/2026 16:19

My ex was never friends with the school mums. She only started trying to socialise with them after we broke up and I asked for some space.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 30/03/2026 16:19

Yes. The idea to split friendship groups seems bizarre in the first place - don’t the other people have a say in who they stay friends with? Friendships aren’t exclusive- my DH moved in with his ex’s close (male) mate when they split up as they were close too. They managed to all keep the friendships going.

PurpleThistle7 · 30/03/2026 16:20

But if you and your ex are sharing childcare then surely you need to both be in touch with the parents of your child's friends? Otherwise your child will miss out on playdates and other fun activities.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/03/2026 16:20

Yeah, agree with everyone else, you don’t get to allocate people in a split, they’re not furniture. You may have been willing to ditch give up the NCT lot and keep the school group but those groups are made up of individual people who have their own feelings. When will you stop cohabiting as it sounds very awkward and must be confusing for your child?

ValidPistachio · 30/03/2026 16:20

You are bonkers. You cannot decide who other people can be friends with.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 30/03/2026 16:20

I think it's complicated because of the kids and playdates. I am friends with a school mum and sometimes my son wants to play with hers when he is with her ex husband, on his time. So I end up socialising with him , but I'd rather it was her! It's just not practical to separate friends when kids are also friends unfortunately but I do feel for you, its a shit situation

Hoolieghoul · 30/03/2026 16:20

Sorry OP - it sounds hard, but you can't be in control of other people's actions to this extent. You and your ex might have reached some agreement between you, but your school mum friends aren't party to that and you can't dictate who they're friends with or force them to take sides.

I think you have to accept that they can be friends with you and with your ex too. That may mean you don't feel comfortable confiding in them about the breakup. Hopefully you can find some support elsewhere for that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/03/2026 16:21

Starbuck80 · 30/03/2026 16:19

My ex was never friends with the school mums. She only started trying to socialise with them after we broke up and I asked for some space.

But they’re allowed to want to be friends with her? You’re still behaving like you own people.

Original poster
Starbuck80 · 30/03/2026 16:21

She was never friends with my school mums friends to start with! It’s all about control for her and getting one over on me.

OP posts:
ValidPistachio · 30/03/2026 16:21

Starbuck80 · 30/03/2026 16:21

She was never friends with my school mums friends to start with! It’s all about control for her and getting one over on me.

That doesn’t matter.

pinkdelight · 30/03/2026 16:22

You can’t divide friends up like sweets. Besides, you’d only known them a few months yourself when you split and the ex would’ve known them just as long. They’re not your old friends that she’s muscling in on. I think you’re expecting too much and shouldn’t complicate school mum friendships to this extent. Get that support from your closer friends and family. Coffee and playdates shouldn’t be complicated by divided loyalties from a relationship breakup.

MaggiesShadow · 30/03/2026 16:23

You can't decide a custody agreement for grown women with your ex-wife and expect everyone to magically stick to it. I'm sorry but that is nonsensical.

Your feelings are valid and even understandable to an extent. But rather than this all being an elaborate ploy to hurt you, it's likely that they're just doing what parents, and especially SAHP usually do with kids this age which is to socialise for the sake of the kids' friendships. And school friends are more important than NCT friends.

Maybe your ex is doing it to be spiteful or petty but there's no way the entire group of mums is. If my child was invited on play days etc, I wouldn't consider stilting his or her friendships for the sake of a divorcing adult woman.

Why do they keep apologising? How is it coming up? And are you also arranging play days and coffee dates? (I will say, the coffee meets sans kids don't seem necessary to the kids' friendships.)

PurpleThistle7 · 30/03/2026 16:23

Do you have other friends? Pre-kid friends or hobby friends, etc? Kid friends follow the child so they aren't typically lifelong, intense friendships - if your or their child moves schools or the children stop being friends, the adult friendship will usually fade out as well. So I think, kindly, you are sounding a bit over-invested in a mum friendship when you could just keep it a bit more casual and then you could both prioritise your child's friendships.

Original poster
Starbuck80 · 30/03/2026 16:23

You assume I cohabiting by choice. I’ve been trying to finalise the divorce for 14 months but my ex won’t agree to a financial settlement so I’m stuck in the house.

OP posts:
Redrosesposies · 30/03/2026 16:24

No you are not being unreasonable to be hurt by your ex's shitty behaviour @Starbuck80 .
Why on earth are you still living together? Prioritise this and get some proper separation.

Hoolieghoul · 30/03/2026 16:25

Starbuck80 · 30/03/2026 16:21

She was never friends with my school mums friends to start with! It’s all about control for her and getting one over on me.

That's genuinely shit for you, but it still doesn't change things. You can't make other people behave the way you want them to when it comes to friendships. As hard as it can be to accept when someone has hurt us, they still have friendships and relationships with other people that aren't affected by that hurt and which continue regardless.

If you try and stop your school mum friends from socialising with her - particularly when you have kids who are friends - it will only backfire on you and you will be the one they distance themselves from. Just try and treat their friendships with your ex as something completely separate from you that you don't need to think about or be involved with, and just continue your friendships with them separately and on your own terms.

pinkdelight · 30/03/2026 16:26

Starbuck80 · 30/03/2026 16:21

She was never friends with my school mums friends to start with! It’s all about control for her and getting one over on me.

Could be. But she could also want to hang out on dcs play dates and talk to other school mums. If you rise to this, you’re letting her get one over on you. You have to find a way to co-parent effectively and that won’t come from trying to ban her from being friends with people in your DC’s life.

BillieWiper · 30/03/2026 16:26

You can't say 'you have the NCT mums' and 'I'll have the school mums'?! They are human beings, individuals. Not pieces of furniture or household appliances to be evenly split when a couple do.

Some of them might like both of you equally? Many may not wish to take sides? Especially not sides they don't seem to be allowed to even pick for themselves.

TMFF · 30/03/2026 16:27

Starbuck80 · 30/03/2026 16:19

My ex was never friends with the school mums. She only started trying to socialise with them after we broke up and I asked for some space.

They still grown women and you don't own them.

They obviously wanted to join her WA group and go to the events.

They shouldn't have to feel the need to apologise to you for it.

Ella31 · 30/03/2026 16:27

Starbuck80 · 30/03/2026 16:21

She was never friends with my school mums friends to start with! It’s all about control for her and getting one over on me.

But these mum friends have decided they want to be friends with her. You cant argue its all on your ex's doing. They obviously like her. For the sake of your kids in the middle of this, you need to accept this and move on or you'll end up with no one.

Moonnstarz · 30/03/2026 16:30

The issue is the school mums will become more important presumably as these are going to be more likely the children your daughter wants to socialise with after school and at weekends. You can't just say your ex can't be friends with them. I would keep any details private about your relationship and hope she does the same so the friends don't get fed up of you both and being caught in the middle.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/03/2026 16:32

But as long as other people want to spend time with her there’s nothing you can do.