AIBU to feel hurt that school mum friends socialise with my ex?

[Starbuck80]

I think I need some perspective on a situation I’m in with some school mums.

My daughter started reception in Sept 2024 and I became quite close to about 5 mums and was in a WhatsApp group with them where we’d meet up for coffee and have play dates. I split with my ex in Feb 2025 (we’re a same sex couple) and I asked for some boundaries as we still lived together (and still do 😩) and so we agreed for my ex to have the NCT mums and I’d spend time with the school mums as I was closer to them. I was hoping this would give us both the opportunity to get some support with what was going on. I’m also a SAHM so the school mums were a real lifeline for me.

Fast forward to last summer and my ex decided to set up her own WhatsApp group with my mum friends and started arranging play dates with the kids and adult coffee dates. This really upset me as we’d agreed to keep friendship groups separate and I’d confided in the mums. I asked my ex to stop but she refused to and the mums would only apologise after the event.

Now we’re at the beginning of April 2026 and my ex is still doing it. The two mums who are the main ones, keep apologising and saying that they’re my friend but continue to arrange play dates and meet ups with my ex. Today my daughter told me that my ex reached out to another close mum friend of mine to arrange a play date with the kids and my friend said yes.

I’m pretty devastated tbh as I’ve confided in this particular friend about the reasons for my marriage breakdown and how my ex has behaved since the split and now she’s socialising with her. I haven’t confronted her about it as I really don’t know what to say without sounding bonkers.

I’m also on the verge of leaving the mums WhatsApp group as all i keep thinking is how can i have honest conversations with them when they’re socialising with my ex?

Am I overreacting

Awful for you.
Are you in a controlling abusive relationship?
Sounds like you might be.
Have you contacted a domestic abuse charity?
It sounds like she is trying to isolate you.

You can't divide friendships in a separation. These are women whos children socialise with your child. They aren't assets of a marriage.

There will need to be some communication between them. If a friendship forms then that's just part of being human.

It sounds like you're in a pretty crappy place at the moment, and have a hell of a lot going on, this probably shouldn't be your focus.

@Starbuck80
You seem to be implying that your ex has some hold over these women and can somehow manipulate them into socialising against their will!

The very idea of fractioning off “friends” like this is ridiculous and quizzing your children about who their other parent socialises with is unfair on them.

Your focus should be on making your separation concrete and not who socialises with whom.

But these are your child’s friends parents firstly before they are your friends. So them arranging play dates are to do with the kids not the parents. And another thing, the person who makes people pick a side is usually the one dropped.
so please don’t put people in the middle, they are your kids friendships first before yours.

This. I would be livid if my friends told me which group I was in. Very transactional. Shrug it off the play dates are for the kids. Get counselling for the divorce and cohabitation stress and don’t off load anymore to mutual friends.

We are lucky we have my sons friend let’s call him Dave. Dave’s mum and dad divorced 6 years ago and Dave’s mum has struggled since as a single parent my husband and I help her out with childcare and she off loads to us. Dave’s dad has a new partner and there was an overlap with the ex. We socialise with them too. With Dave’s mum we do tennis as the boys love tennis and swimming and with Dave’s dad and new partner the boys play board games and do rugby. We do not discuss that we do with dad with mum and vice versa. If they off load about Oh god my ex did x y and z with empathise but it never ever gets back to ex. They knew we had separate play dates and the kids were all playing on different dates and it was fine. Recently they went on a mother day entire day out with all 3 of them. Everyone put their feelings aside the boys has what they called ‘the best day out ever with both of my parents and my bonus paren that’s what they said. Hands 🙌 up for them.

She goes low you go high. Co parent.

I can’t (physical violence of ex) I wish I could - your kids will appreciate it

You need to try your best to pretend you dont care otherwise you risk looking like the unreasonable one to them. You cant come across like you are trying to control who other people socialise and if your ex tells them you agreed you got them and she got etc people, theres no way you come out of that looking good.

If she's doing it to wind you up then you have to not care, if you act like it doesnt matter to you and you carry on socialising with them as normal and dont act like they have to choose then you come out of it well

When I split with my ex, I asked that friends didn’t take sides and just remained friends with both of us.

This is what most sensible couples do.

Especially when there's a child involved and the adults are the child's friends parents.

I agree - this is about your ex exerting control. If your friends can't see this for what it is then you're better off leaving that group and searching out some new friends.

She may be doing things to wind you up but if you react too much you're only giving her what she wants. It's very awkward for the other mums to feel like they have to apologise for attending playdates and meetups and it makes you come across as the unreasonable one.

As school mum friends it's completely understandable that they would want their children to attend playdates with their friend regardless of which of her Mums had organised it.

Is there some kind of hobby or meetup group you could go to do you can meet people without your ex trying to muscle in?

Wow. You can't allocate people like they have no say. I imagine this might be why they prefer your partner. Can you not see this?

Primarily, they are the mothers of your child's friends.

YABU

looking kindly at the situation maybe it’s because the NCT friendships can fall by the wayside once the children are at school
Focus on separating properly and making your own friends
I wonder if these friends are looking for gossip

Surely the difference is that she is likely to come across the school mums through school, so it would be much harder for her to not have a friendship there? Similarly, your child will want to meet with her friends, which your ex may want to be involved with.

Whereas NCT friends are more, specific keep in touch type friends. The two are very different

You can't control who people are friends with and it would be wrong to try and do so.

Surely you'd rather your child had a playdate organised by their other parent than no playdate at all?

You need to focus your energy on pushing forwards with living separately as you won't be able to truly lead separate lives until you do.

Thanks for this. The relationship ended because of years of financial and coercive control. I’ve been trying to get the house sold and move on for 14 months but my ex is refusing to engage with the court process so I’m stuck and so are the children. She continues to have control over me. I think it probably is time for me to leave the WhatsApp group as I’m finding it very triggering.

I don’t want to control any of our friends. I thought I was doing the right thing in trying to give up both a separate group of friends to lean on. I’ve respected her NCT group and not gone along to their events as I recognise that she needs an outlet.

I’m trying to get back into work at the moment so hopefully that will give me another group of friends.

You don't own your mom group friends.

Your kid wants to see her friends. So of course your ex will be friendly with her child's friends' parents.

Your expectations are very unreasonable. You cannot control who your ex and your mom group friends talk to and hang out with.

You're the one who sounds controlling.

I appreciate it's difficult for you but you can't divvy up human beings like a record collection. Those women have choices too, and they have chosen to become friends with your ex as well as you.

It's awkward, but they aren't being unreasonable.

Get court going then file for it now. Let the court decide and get it rolling. Offer what is reasonable and give a time frame eg 2 weeks for a reply and then file.

My controlling ex did the same people he would never speak or socialise with suddenly became pursued for play dates and coffee catch ups my friend turned around and said fuck off if I wasn't worth being friends with before im certainly not going to start now

You need a different set of friends and relegate these to "school only" friends the superficial kind everything is fiiiineee how are you! No indepth conversations because they might decide not to keep your secrets

What is your solicitor advising? Why aren't they forcing the sale of the house?

Regarding the 'friends' I think you are seeing them as more than they are. They are simply other parents. I have been through two antenatal groups and at the time they were the best thing since sliced bread. The first fell apart when we all began to go back to work and some people worked full time and some part time meaning people felt left out. By the time the kids had started school (all in different places) no one spoke to each other any more and the intense friendship we had all had during the baby years was forgotten. The second time round we made it to primary school where the children all went to the same one, but the group just fell apart as the children made different friends (apart from one pair where the boys have the same interests and the mums are still close).
Imagine if you were to remove your daughter from the school do you think they would be keeping in touch with you then? If so then maybe they are close to you and will be able to separate their friendship with you to being the mum of X. But there is the chance it is all superficial anyway and that it's only because the children go to school together you are friends.

Sounds like you'll have to take the financial settlement to court so you can move on and get your own place or she moves out. This is what you need support with. If you're not living together you won't know what each other are doing socially and you can move on.

My DC has plenty of friends whose parents are split up. I’m not going to deny my DC of an activity with a mate because it’s a certain parents ‘day’. You’re being ridiculous. What do you want the school mums to do, realistically? Ignore your ex on the school playground for the next 6 years? For your DV never to hang out with friends unless it’s on your time?

She sounds like she is trying to isolate you. I think you should keep trying to meet up with the mums if you can. Obviously your ex is manipulative but push on.

You can’t be in charge of who other adults are friends with op.