AIBU to feel hurt that school mum friends socialise with my ex?

[Starbuck80]

I think I need some perspective on a situation I’m in with some school mums.

My daughter started reception in Sept 2024 and I became quite close to about 5 mums and was in a WhatsApp group with them where we’d meet up for coffee and have play dates. I split with my ex in Feb 2025 (we’re a same sex couple) and I asked for some boundaries as we still lived together (and still do 😩) and so we agreed for my ex to have the NCT mums and I’d spend time with the school mums as I was closer to them. I was hoping this would give us both the opportunity to get some support with what was going on. I’m also a SAHM so the school mums were a real lifeline for me.

Fast forward to last summer and my ex decided to set up her own WhatsApp group with my mum friends and started arranging play dates with the kids and adult coffee dates. This really upset me as we’d agreed to keep friendship groups separate and I’d confided in the mums. I asked my ex to stop but she refused to and the mums would only apologise after the event.

Now we’re at the beginning of April 2026 and my ex is still doing it. The two mums who are the main ones, keep apologising and saying that they’re my friend but continue to arrange play dates and meet ups with my ex. Today my daughter told me that my ex reached out to another close mum friend of mine to arrange a play date with the kids and my friend said yes.

I’m pretty devastated tbh as I’ve confided in this particular friend about the reasons for my marriage breakdown and how my ex has behaved since the split and now she’s socialising with her. I haven’t confronted her about it as I really don’t know what to say without sounding bonkers.

I’m also on the verge of leaving the mums WhatsApp group as all i keep thinking is how can i have honest conversations with them when they’re socialising with my ex?

Am I overreacting

I’m sorry this has happened OP and I know how hurtful it is. My ex did the same and clung on to some of my friends that he only met through me. He’s now seeing one them. One by one they all stopped inviting me out but he was always there. If felt like a cuckoo invading a nest. The conclusion I came to was they weren’t actually friends.
I only spend time with one of them now who hasn’t slept with him (it appears the others have which tells me more about their character) and the rest don’t socialise with her either. People are fickle but you know this now. Hope you find a good job and can make new friends there.

Cant see this situation lasting for too much longer. Some of these women must feel uncomfortable with the situation..How often does she mention you to them? Do you know?

Your ex sounds like a bit of a scheming, controlling snake. Wait and see if these women start to see through her.

I personally would not want a situation like this in my life Just carry on for the sake of your child. But never mention your ex to them.

Good Luck.

I understand and I’m sorry. You need to stop letting her have control. Stop letting it get to you. Don’t stop talking to these women,
but I would stop confiding in them. You’ll find your support group, I’m sorry this isn’t it.

Sorry but you can’t decide who can be friends with who. You don’t own people!

It actually does matter. We’re none of us going to influence the actual events so the least you could do is sympathise with OP. OP: that sucks.

speaking from experience the worst thing you can do in a break up is ask people to take sides.
ask them to be a sounding board and keep things private? Yes
ask them to not mention your ex to you so you can put them out of your mind? Yes
ssk them not to be friends with your ex or anyone else? Well yes you can but it’s unlikely to endear anyone to you for reasons others have told you.

are you getting time away from your kid? Maybe making friends who aren’t mums and don’t know her might help? As if she then makes friends with these people that is a bit weird and stalky and shows a pattern

How is the ex exerting control ?
it’s op who is making demands and telling people who they can be friends with!
how old are your drop? Was your ex in agreement for her to be the breadwinner for so long? Do you have the funds to buy her out of the house?

This sounds like an awkward situation OP. I'm sorry to hear women in same sex relationships can have the same issues which can occur within straight relationships. I honestly thought women would be more understanding towards each other. Having said that I've never been a fan of women's groups just because my children were in the same class. Although I wouldn't leave the WhatsApp group I would take a step back & go along to socials when invited. The fact your ex sees them too is neither here nor there & shouldn't affect you. Keep your personal life out of the conversations & concentrate on finding new more personal friendships if you feel you need this type of interaction in your life. If & when you find a new partner it will all change.

Don’t leave the WhatsApp group and burn your bridges. Maybe just mute and archive it for a while?

if you don’t reply and they are friends worth anything they will reach out individually. And if not you have your answer. Focus on making mum friends elsewhere. Where are you based? Any local activities to join?

You need to be more business like with the school mums and treat them like colleagues that you socialize with for your daughter. They obviously like your ex too so you can’t block that friendship and you can’t monopolize playdates for your child so that they only happen on your time. Sorry but you need to confide in other people not your daughters friends mums. I don’t go deep about my ex to the nursery mums, only one that is also a single mum. I can also be civil to her ex though, like he brought their child to my sons bday party recently and we got on fine.

Coercive control and financial abuse is a crime.
Isolating you further is all part of that.
You poor woman.

Are you involved with Women's aid?
This is a police matter.
Coercive control is a crime.

Please go to the poice.

So don’t give her control my ditching the pals.

Respectfully, OP, neither were you. Your child started school in September 2024 and you split with your ex in February of 2025. You were at the early acquaintance stage with these people.

Does she do school runs?

Sympathising with her is only going to further her delusion that splitting up friends as though they were CDs in a joint collection after a split is either reasonable or possible.

I don't mind if my ex socialises with other school parents, but it bugs the heck out of me if they add him to our whatsapp chats - thankfully the class ones are mums only but a couple of them of them have set up chats for buses / playdates with just my ex and I - who do they think it is that's the primary parent that organises everything kids related - I just don't want to be randomly added to a group chat with my ex.

OP your ex sounds like a twat not engaging with the settlement and her financial abuse. I am so sorry you went through that.

However NCT friends and school Mum friends is a bit of an unfair split as your DC will want to hang out with their school friends more and adults having school mum friends helps facilitate your DCs social life and just makes life easier.

I understand that it is upsetting for you but it is unreasonable to seperate that friendship group from your ex as they no doubt met you both at the same time and they are all just trying to navigate school gate politics and friendships as best they can. Its much easier to never see NCT friends again.

However please don't leave the school mum whatsapp group because they won't take sides, just see those friends as friends for DCs sake. Getting a totally different set of friends that don't know and have no reason to interact with ex is probably the way forward though. Xx

This is what I'd do.

I hope you get to be free of her soon. Try and meet other people when you have time. Don't let her know you're bothered about this. Or if she does know just drop it now and live your life.

You are in a tricky spot @Starbuck80 and I imagine it felt easier at the time to divide but it's really hard when either relationships are already formed and/or perhaps an ex wants to not stick to the agreement because they also want to be part of your child's school life? If the other friends say yes, there's not much you can do. I imagine it feels a bit scary/unsettling b/c you relied on them to confide in.

I think you'll probably need to confide in other friends instead. I don't really mix too much personal info with school friend Mum's b/c I've found it can come back to the kids. I've seen this a few times with things Mums have said making their way to classmates and so I limit how much I share personally for this reason.

You mention being a SAHM will that change? Perhaps you'll meet friends when you return to work or have friends from an old job? Uni etc? It may be a good time to rely on them for more supports.

Also, related to the financial abuse and coercive control, could you engage with a domestic abuse charity/support in your area? They may also have some legal supports and counselling services that could help you.

I hope things resolve with the divorce, friendship groups etc. I'm sorry it's all been so difficult.

Unfortunately in this instance, you are the one who comes across controlling. These women are your shared child's friends mums first and foremost.... that is why they are friends with you and friends or becoming friendly with your ex.

People can be friends with who they like. Yabu, you cant control this. Save the deep conversation for your true friends, not the WhatsApp group.

Don’t leave the WhatsApp group but do stop making them apologise, it will drive them away. Also, don’t use them as a counselling group for you.

Keep it light, don’t ask them to take sides, focus on meet ups with the kids and fun events. Dont talk about your divorce woes, skirt around it if they ask, don’t badmouth your ex.

You sound like you are at risk of isolating yourself. These women don’t want to be part of your drama, they just want their kids to have nice play dates and be friendly with other parents.

I can understand why you are annoyed. Your ex was never friendly with the "mum" friends to begin with and has now muscled her way into this circle. That said, forcing people to take sides is never going to work. Rise above it and don't openly bad mouth your ex. Whatever you think in private, don't say it in public. If you are seen as the source of drama, people will avoid you because they don't want to be drawn into the middle of somebody else's domestic dispute. I do think though I would be attempting to make some new friends that my ex knew nothing about.

Your ex was never friendly with the "mum" friends to begin with and has now muscled her way into this circle
is that not circumstantial?
op has the luxury of being the SAHP so of course does school runs etc? Ex is now preparing to share the role as 50:50 I’m assuming so of course wants to start to get involved with this aspect of the children’s lives?
is there a plan for this @Starbuck80 ? Are you going back to work?

You are entitled to feel how you feel don’t let anyone tell you that you are wrong for feeling how you do. While get it, I also think it’s a bitter pill to swallow tha you cannot force people not to be friends due to your feelings. I know that’s hard and I’m sorry you’re feeling this way but that’s unfortunately, life. I hope it gets easier for you.