AIBU to feel hurt that school mum friends socialise with my ex?

[Starbuck80]

I think I need some perspective on a situation I’m in with some school mums.

My daughter started reception in Sept 2024 and I became quite close to about 5 mums and was in a WhatsApp group with them where we’d meet up for coffee and have play dates. I split with my ex in Feb 2025 (we’re a same sex couple) and I asked for some boundaries as we still lived together (and still do 😩) and so we agreed for my ex to have the NCT mums and I’d spend time with the school mums as I was closer to them. I was hoping this would give us both the opportunity to get some support with what was going on. I’m also a SAHM so the school mums were a real lifeline for me.

Fast forward to last summer and my ex decided to set up her own WhatsApp group with my mum friends and started arranging play dates with the kids and adult coffee dates. This really upset me as we’d agreed to keep friendship groups separate and I’d confided in the mums. I asked my ex to stop but she refused to and the mums would only apologise after the event.

Now we’re at the beginning of April 2026 and my ex is still doing it. The two mums who are the main ones, keep apologising and saying that they’re my friend but continue to arrange play dates and meet ups with my ex. Today my daughter told me that my ex reached out to another close mum friend of mine to arrange a play date with the kids and my friend said yes.

I’m pretty devastated tbh as I’ve confided in this particular friend about the reasons for my marriage breakdown and how my ex has behaved since the split and now she’s socialising with her. I haven’t confronted her about it as I really don’t know what to say without sounding bonkers.

I’m also on the verge of leaving the mums WhatsApp group as all i keep thinking is how can i have honest conversations with them when they’re socialising with my ex?

Am I overreacting

People see what she's saying, they just think she's being unreasonable in divvying up their collective friends as if they were a disputed CD collection and expecting the friends to go along with it, and to take sides during a divorce. Especially when there are much bigger fish to fry here.

Yep. OP has been both clear and unreasonable.

Even if one thinks STBXW was wrong to reach out to them in the first place, the school mums have absolutely every right to socialise how they wish with fellow parents. The only reasonable way to frame this is being pissed off with STBXW, rather than presenting the reactions and normal behaviour of other school parents as a problem.

The best way forward now is to accept that actually both parties are going to have social relationships with school parents, and for OP to try and keep those connections going.

That's a really long time @Starbuck80 😪 I would be wary of an FDR based on mutual respect/honesty with someone who behaves like this.

To the people saying OP is being unreasonable, her ex didn't even mix with the school parents until their separation.

It's pretty clear they didn't reach a respectful agreement though. The OP stepped away from the NCT crew (because she wasn't overly friendly with them anyway and the ex was) and SUGGESTED that she keep the school mom's (who to be quite frankly... she had only know a few months at that stage anyway judging by the dates).

The ex decided that she too wanted a relationship of sorts with the school mom's because in fairness, their shared child will interact with these friends for a long time... why should either parent be on the outside?

School moms don't owe loyalty to either parent! My DH and his ex seperated when my SS was 2. He's now 14. Both parents (and even at times myself or his stepdad) have interacted or socialised with other school parents over the years... we just don't speak about the other party. If any questions or comments arise we just say "Oh I'm not sure" etc.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think she has said anything directly to the mums concerned has she?
Just come on a public forum to express her feelings of hurt & to understand if her feelings are valid and normal given the circumstances.
People are making out like she has been throwing her weight around the playground telling parents who they can and cannot talk to!

Whichever way you see this, it's clear the OP's ex is manipulative, controlling and unreasonable given how she is behaving around the split & finances.
The way she is behaving around the joint friends she knew OP was relying on doesn't shed her in a good light either yet it's the OP who is getting it in the neck from most.

No idea what's been said to the mums concerned. I refer only to what OP has posted on here. Which is unreasonable. Because again, the behaviour of the school mums is totally normal and fine. They have every right to respond to social overtures from another school parent, even if one takes the view that the parent shouldn't have made them in the first place. OP asked if she was BU to feel this way. She is.

It's also bad that the reason OP lists for not confronting the friend is because she doesn't know what to say without sounding bonkers, rather than because she understands that she has absolutely nothing to confront her about.

As for OP getting it more in the neck, STBXW isn't on the thread and OP has asked if she herself is BU. People are replying to the person who posted and answering the question they asked.

And yet the OP can do nothing about her ex's behaviour other than continue through the courts to have the division of marital assets enforced.

No one is making out as if she's been 'throwing her weight around in the playground', but she has said twice or more time on the thread that she wants to 'confront' a friend she thought was 'hers' because the friend, while being sympathetic to her, was also socialising with her ex. That suggests she in fact think that the friend is wrong, and that she wants her to choose between her and her ex.

I think she has every right to confront the friend personally but I think it's best she doesn't.
The friend concerned has been party to OP talking about the controlling behaviour of her ex & has presented as both a friend and a shoulder to cry on but then is palling up with the OP's ex? Nice.

I think as usual with AIBU people are being very black & white about this and are refusing to see that the OP's feelings are so normal & so understandable.

Of course anyone can be friends with anyone blah blah blah but I too would be both hurt and bloody fuming if a friend I had confided in and trusted & who knew my ex was treating me like crap was then hanging out with said ex and playing best friends.

The friend is allowed to be friends with whoever she wants. She hasn't signed a pact in blood that if she's friends with the OP she's not allowed to be friends with her ex. And, as we've established, no one else was informed about the division of friends. As you say, anyone can be friends with anyone. I would take a very dim view of a divorcing friend telling me that if she'd confided in me about the divorce, I wasn't allowed to socialise with her ex. That's my call. The OP is obviously allowed to feel any way she likes about it. Divorce is emotionally messy, and I imagine that continuing to cohabit is a real mindfuck. But those are the OP's issues to deal with, however hard they are. Not her friends'.

Yeah, you just don't get it do you?
Oh well.

Thing is, we don't actually know whether these fairly new, situational friends particularly welcomed hearing any of this, much less whether they believe it over anything else they may have heard from STBXW. OP has told us about one who apparently had a lot to say, but that's in a group of several, and at least one other has been put in a position where she felt she had to apologise for socialising as she wishes.

As a pp pointed out, OP doesn't have the right to unilaterally decide that a particular friend is 'hers'. It is controlling, there's no way round that. STBXW being an arsehole doesn't mean OP then has free rein to decide what others should be doing. She just doesn't. Her best bet is to accept that going forward, do as another friend of hers recommended and try to keep these as casual friendships, and take the other good advice she's had on this thread.

I get why the OP is upset. I don't think it gives her the right to 'confront' any of her friends because, while supporting her, they occasionally also see her ex. The only behaviour she can control here is her own. If she views this as traitorous behaviour, then it's on her to withdraw from the friendship/s.

I understand where you’re coming from OP.
I really get the need to have separate friends during a separation/divorce so you can speak freely and with a sense of privacy.

I also understand why it’s very irritating and another broken promise by your ex-. You thought you had agreed a way to have some privacy from each other. And they’ve gone against that plan.

BUT

You have to approach it differently. You can’t dictate what the other women do; and if your ex- breaks a promise or of the other mums like her better than you —- that’s just tough.

You can only control yourself and your own boundaries. So YOU can walk away from friendships in order to protect your privacy. That’s completely fine. But you can’t force the other women.

In your shoes, I would decide if any of your mum friends are likely to understand your need for privacy and be willing to support it by not hanging out with your ex- as well. Then discuss it with them. The ones who believe that all divorces can be amicable are unlikely to understand.

I “lost” a lot of friendships during divorce. Including some very close friends. I needed space and privacy. My ex- was very difficult. Many friends who hadn’t been through divorce didn’t understand why privacy was important to me. Some of them were angry; they thought i was forcing them to choose sides. They assumed they could be friends with both. I just explained that i needed privacy, so if they wanted to be friends with both, that was fine but i couldn’t talk freely. Those friendships gradually petered out.

Try to make new friends (who don’t have contact with you and ex-) And turn to relatives, where there’s more unconditional love.

All the best. It gets easier.

Exactly!

If you want to start hanging out with the NCT mums the do so, it may give you more opportunities to get out the house.

Have you started claiming for UC as a single parent which you can do so long as you live separate lives within the same household. So no shopping, laundry or cooking for her. Is the CB in your name? If not get that sorted ASAP. You could even move out and rent once that is sorted.

Agree re the NCT mums. If you'd like to spend some time with them, go for it! And the UC point makes me think, have you taken any benefits advice OP?

She isn't being controlling! She just came here to ask if she is being unreasonable to be hurt by the behaviour of her friends and of her ex.
And I would say no, she isn't.

Maybe i'm different but if a mum friend, even one I hadn't known long, told me about their split and their ex's behaviour and then their ex suddenly wanted to become friends with me, I would be polite but would keep my distance from the ex.

The OP says that the ex wasn't friends with the OP's mum friends before the split so I do think the friend's behaviour is off.

You don't just get to divide up your friendship group and make demands about who they stay closest too. They are not your children and this isn't a custody battle.

If my friend started telling me who else I was allowed to socialise with, they'd be my ex friend quickly.

No one has told anyone who they can and cannot be friends with though!

The OP & her ex had an understanding around friendships which the ex broke & the OP has expressed hurt about. That's it.

OP had completely unrealistic expectations.

Did she really think that ex was going to say to the other school Mums, "Oh I'd love to socialise with you but unfortunately my ex got you in the divorce so I'm not allowed!"?

I wouldn't be surprised if the NCT Mums are wondering what on earth they've done to offend OP since she's suddenly dropped them as friends.

School is for kids but there seems to be more drama with the parents now.
Grown fucking adults acting like there still at high school.

Whichever way you see this, it's clear the OP's ex is manipulative, controlling and unreasonable given how she is behaving around the split & finances.
why?
because she won’t move out of the family home on the ops demand? Why should she? If the separation is as long ago as op is saying, if I was the ex I would also wondering why she hadn’t been seeking to get back to work? Would she not be entitled to funded childcare?

There was no understanding though.
The OP chose to ditch the NCT group and decided that she wanted the school mum friends (who were very recent acquaintances) to herself. Evidently the ex did not agree.

Stop making things up!

From the OP

"so we agreed for my ex to have the NCT mums and I’d spend time with the school mums as I was closer to them"

Actually, OP has said rather more than that. You do need to look past the title. Again, this is a situation where OP has evidently considered actual confrontation to the extent that she's only not doing it because she doesn't know how not to sound bonkers. Because someone else is socialising with her ex! That's controlling.

If you think you'd behave differently to the other mums in this situation, fine, but that's a different point to whether OP is being unreasonable or not.