To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

Give them the largest spare room to share and divide it so there's separate spaces for each. Do all of your spare rooms have an ensuite, does your son's?

Giving them a room each won't work as one will resent having to move out "their" room when there are guests and the other will resent having their territory invaded in "their" room. Plus your "guest" room will be trashed with makeup, nail varnish and fake tan accessorised with bogies and sanitary products.

Why should they have that privilege? They would destroy that as well. OP has enough to do after they have left without having to get someone in to repair the damage.

Having your own bedroom is not an automatic right and I'm sorry but this isn't their primary home so giving them two rooms to trash that are used 2 days per fortnight is madness in this economy! That extra room will be costing OP and her DH tens of thousands of pounds in extra mortgage payments and people think they should assign it to a child to use 2 days a fortnight when neither of them can be trusted not to trash the place? Mad.

I think it’s bloody mean. A four bed house, three kids and two have to share so the other room can be ‘spare’ for occasional guests?
do what other people do, bunk up when guests come or someone has the sofa. Your ds is little, get a camp bed and put him in with you or his grandma when she stays , don’t be such a curmudgeon, those are normal shared parental hours for kids from split parents.

youre not overcrowded if they have their own rooms.
all divorced families don’t keep a room empty just in case and make the kids who live there half the time share a bedroom for no reason

I’d say they get a room together until they learn to keep it clean, then a room each BUT it’s checked mono and if not up to standard, they share.

I think it is more important that twins get their own rooms, not less important than other siblings. They spend their whole lives sharing EVERYTHING.

They don't live there, they only stay every other weekend. There is no need to have a room each.

Havent read all the posts but I would have them share

because of the mess

because when someone stays and they need to share, one of them will have to move into 'the others room' and that can be a difficult dynamic

If they both have the same room, its their joint room so a different dynamic.

I do think it seems a bit mean not to give them a room each especially as they have to share when they are at their Mums.
Just think it will probably be a lot quieter too if they are in their own rooms!

Realistically you need your support network if you have moved away from your mum to facilitate DP.

It seems like they would be happy sharing and having the 4th bedroom as a guest room/general hang out space which could work (assume your mum isnt really over much when they are). If decorating is the main issue can ine of them decorate the hang out room? Teen girls today seem very into neutrals and sage green so you can guide it to be tasteful (my kids have only every had beige walls- oh the trauma!)

If they move in FT then they should definitely have one each so you can just see how it goes?

They don't live there half the time!

At 12 they should be allowed some privacy and their own space. Why would you make them share when they are consistently there every other weekend and holidays, for guests who visit ad hoc? The visitors can stay in their room if they aren't there, if they are well there isn't enough space for guests, they guests will either have to stay on a sofa bed or a local hotel. It doesn't sound like you like them very much anyway, you wouldn't treat them like this if they were your own children.

My thoughts exactly. This thread is insane.

I’m sure this may have already been suggested, but how long have you got before you are likely to complete on the house purchase? If you’ve still got a few months maybe speak to them, explain the situation and offer them a chance to prove they can keep their room clean and hygienic. If they manage it for a set period of time then let them have their own rooms BUT on the understanding that if either of them let things slip they will have to go back to sharing.

Why would either room have black paint and stickers? Them being able to influence how their room is decorated doesn’t mean getting their own way. My kids certainly aren’t putting stickers on their room walls at 13.

I’d give them their own room, be clear that they can influence how they’re decorated within limits around paint colour, carpets or floor coverings. They then can’t argue who made the mess, cos it’s their room their mess. And every time it’s a mess they leave what they’re doing and you/their dad supervise them cleaning - they’ll soon get fed up when they’re picking up sanitary towels, cotton buds etc. And they can’t kick stuff under bedroom rugs if an adult is watching them.

They share everything, including their dad, so having something of their own feels quite meaningful. I’d feel very pushed out if there was space for me to have my own room, and my step/half sibling had their own room, and I didn’t.

The one that keeps on top of their room gets the en suite, but needs to move to accommodate guests when needed.

That is totally disgusting and quite frankly skanky !!

you need to sit them down and have ground rules

can the largest room be split into 2 smaller so both have own room

I said before to remove all screens /tv etc till room is tidy - if they leave it like that when they next come they tidy it

or thy spend the last 2hrs each visit tidying

The other people have a choice. The kids don’t.

If you enter a relationship with someone who has children, you accept the reality that you’ll encounter some complications along the way.

What has the economy got to do with it? Their dad (and step mum) will be paying for the room regardless of who does or doesn’t stay in it. I’d divide and conquer on the hygiene issues, much easier to deal with one at a time than have them pointing the finger at each other. It’s not their fault it’s not their primary home, they don’t have a choice in it. And no, it’s not a right to have your own room but many parents, if they could, would want their kids to have their own space heading into teenage years.

It’s not a case of own rooms, black paint, stickers on the wall and a shit tip, or share, continue to have one shit tip and a nicely decorated spare room. There’s space in the middle, that will take work and negotiation but that feels more appropriate to their age and stage.

Discuss the options with your DP and then with them, for example:
A shared room they can decorate how they choose or separate rooms that will also be guest rooms that they get less choice in
Separate rooms but if they're not treated with respect (with clear boundaries about what that means) they go back to sharing. This also means that they can't blame the other for any mess, it'll be clear who did what
@Hayley1256's suggestion of shared room and they have to earn the right to separate rooms is also a great one

Children are quite capable of following different rules in different places, so set crystal clear expectations and consequences - and with clear accountability/responsibility on your DP's part, and consequences for him if that doesn't happen. He cannot just check out of his parenting responsibilities.

I was all for separate rooms but with your updates I’d make them share until they can manage to keep their space clean. It’s disgusting.

I'd feel more awful knowing that the 1 of the GC had to give their room up in order for me to stay there if I'm honest.

And whats your solution to obstruction like that?

Theres a thread running about this sort of thing exactly.