To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

Well exactly, but not to these kids, who are largely parented by someone else, so whether its because they're like the kids on that other thread who just wont be bribed, threatened, negotiated with, communicated with, engaged with, or whether they've had slack boundaries from day dot, who knows

But OP has given us enough of a clue to say this isnt something that is fixable yet.

It’s a good job I don’t have step kids as I’d prioritise the guest room. They’re barely there and you have family visiting regularly

If it weren't for the extreme level of their mess then I would say you should try giving them their own rooms. But the mess you describe, I don't think it would be fair to you to have to clean that up in TWO rooms rather than one, let alone every time your mom came to stay. And you say your dh has no interest in cleaning their rooms after each of their visits. At least if they share a room, you only have to clean up one room afterward.

Why does the everything do have to revolve around kids? Sharing a room won’t kill them - the fact they share at their mum’s supports this. Yes they may want their own room but the OP has given lots of valid reasons why they should share.

Twins need to suck it up. Lots of kids have to share bedrooms, that’s just life. The spare room is exactly that - it’s not for them.

The adults have paid more money for a house with an extra room. They therefore get to decide what happens with that room. Just because the children want their own room, doesn't mean they should have it. It's an extremely expensive and valuable piece of space, not to be squandered on a kid who uses it 2 days in 14 and won't take care of it. If they lived there all the time or even 50/50 then sure, that's their home. But they don't. Not a cats chance in hell I'd be paying ££ more on the mortgage to fund two rooms for two kids to trash two days a fortnight. That would apply if they were my own kids too!

Its not in terms of who holds the authority and parenting, we dont know what the mum is expecting or her boundaries

Posters always ask that question about 'why isnt he seeing them more'

Perhaps the kids dont want that, perhaps mum is obstructive about that, perhaps he is, as your question probably implies, useless.

How tall are the ceilings? Can you split the room like this?
https://pin.it/3GwgdQOdZ

They could then decorate each side how they want.

They wouldn’t be trashing two rooms in my house either, but they also wouldn’t be trashing the room they share now.

A compromise.

The girls share a room to sleep in but have the other room as a ‘lounge/den’. This is a room they also share to watch tv, do homework, etc but the sofa is a sofa bed for guests.

The girls get more space, they might be quite excited and you still get a space for guests.

Ignore everyone who doesn’t understand. If they can consistently keep it clean, tidy and unstained for a year, they can have separate rooms on a trial basis under the same conditions.

I have a teenage daughter, a housekeeper, I clean and tidy a lot myself and her room can genuinely go from immaculate to a health hazard overnight. It is mind boggling and if I didn’t see it with my own eyes I would think you’re exaggerating too.

It is the stains to carpets, furniture etc that’s the worst. Definitely limit to one room!

They should get their own rooms in their home with their dad over guests, and their dad needs to step up and actually parent them.

It is the usual you have a dh problem, and you are enabling him by punishing the easy targets - 12 year old children.

The girls will be troublesome teens with the added emotional baggage of being from a broken home soon enough, you need to have zero tolerance for your dh's poor parenting.

Just to clarify, my daughter doesn’t leave filthy bogeys etc - that is absolutely vile!

But makeup, nail varnish, straightener burns (not had this but doubt we will make it through to adulthood without it happening at some point) are very typical of teenage messy rooms.

I would, however, worry about the hygiene (genuinely) in a shared bathroom that’s closed off to others because it’s an en suite. In a family bathroom, you’re in and out and can clean as you go. With the hygiene as bad as you describe, I think it would be almost neglectful to allow them an unchecked cleaning space. Toilets needs to be cleaned and flushed, etc - if they don’t have these basic standards, shutting them away in filth isn’t going to help. I would do shared room without en suite.

You chose a partner that had children, you don’t then get to use the consequences of that choice against his children.

’oh, actually we had to move here because of you so you can share a room when your younger brother gets his own room… you know, because he’s the preferred child. He comes first, our guests come second and you come last’!

Fantastic message to two young girls about their position in the family dynamic. Looking forward your posts in 20 years about how you weren’t made to feel included at their wedding when you’d always been such an involved step parent 👏🏼

If they want to use one as a chill out room have you thought about framing it as one room for you to share but the other is a guest/chill out room. you could get a day/murphy bed and TV/desk etc. so it's multi purpose. your DS could use it too so it's considered an overall sharing space so they keep it tidy like downstairs. then when/if they leave it messy you can warn them they won't be allowed to chill in there anymore if they leave it messy.

I suspect it's because there's two of them it just gets way worse than it would. I also think maybe they're struggling with mental health. (

Growing up I shared with my sister and our room was a tip in teen years. i got tired of cleaning up after her and became just as messy. Although she was dirty whilst i was just messy and tired of cleaning for two! We both had mental health issues tbh so i think that played a huge part. How we behaved sounds similar to your SD's. We had no motivation for self care etc and it would bother me if the living room was messy so i'd always clean that up. However i didn't care if my room was messy. Although disgusting, it was my safe space.

Once we had our own rooms i managed to keep mine clean but hers was clean only 30% of the time. Although i think it was more her mental health and undiagnosed adhd that didn't help. As adults she's way more organised than me now and her house is very clean! (I believe related to her mental health improvement)

YANBU

I'm of the opinion that if they cannot respect the room they have, they don't deserve to get a room each. As you have frequent guests and the twins aren't there that much, I think you should keep them together and have a lovely unruined guest room.

But on a completely separate note, it's all a bit messy, I understand from "DP" that it doesn't sound like you're married, it's all messy buying a house together when you're not married and you've a shared child and step children involved. It sounds like you already own a home together too, it just sounds messy to me, especially given you cannot agree on this bedroom issue.

This same sharing bedroom issue comes up on MN ALL THE TIME regarding step children and the father is always insistent that they have their own rooms despite hardly ever being there 🙄

I'd say that having their own room depends very much on how they treat their current shared one. If they can show you and their Dad, that they are keeping it clean/tidy...put rubbish in the bin, dirty clothes in the linen basket, hang towels up in the bathroom, make their beds, hang clothes up etc, for a period of at least 6 months, you'll both give separate rooms consideration.

They are 12, both old enough to do the above and understand that on occasions guests will need to use one of the bedrooms.

With age, comes some level of responsibility and that means keeping their room clean/tidy and looking after furniture/bedding etc. I don't think it's too much to ask.

Brilliant idea

And dont have carpets in the bedroom. Never understand why people dont have hard floors and virtually disposible rugs/washable rugs.

I agreed with you til you put ‘especially twins’. They are individuals too.

Sorry if I missed this, but are there no consequences for this behaviour? It's so disrespectful and disgusting. Can you not do regular checks on their room while they're with you and then remove tech etc as soon as it starts getting messy?

They share. They share at their real home, so why not ?
I'd put them in the garage if they are that messy..