To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

OP I would not accept that.

Every time I would be calling them in to clear it up.

Every. Time.

And I wouldn't care if that made me the Evil Stepmother.

I do, DP also sends them to tidy their room before they leave but I often find things like wrappers kicked under the rug and wet towels in the bed once they’ve gone. I do sometimes think it takes more effort to make the mess than it would to just tidy up.

I’m not saying we have a showhome at all, but some of the things they do are utterly gross.

I wrote another post re not having own rooms until at least 6 months of keeping the joint room clean.

I would put them in the en suite room with very neutral decor - they have to 'earn' their choice of decor in their own rooms. Until then maybe allow a few posters put up with blu tac... definitely no stickers!
And they could choose their own bedding.

Have you got the right furniture to trial separate rooms? So say for three
months, and if they can keep them clean and tidy then you will decorate each to their own tastes, recognising that each bedroom will need to be set up for easy transition into a guest room. If they can’t, they can decorate the one room to share.

When my dd was around that age my bathroom resembled a slaughterhouse 😂

DP’s daughter is the same, so I’ll never live with him!

Thing is, they're not untidy, they're disgusting

So they would be spending every Sunday they're with you sorting it out before they leave.

And make space for makeup etc in the bathroom, therefore no carpet

I had two daughters and their rooms were untidy but never disgusting

Is your partner afraid if he does something like room checks and make them clean up wet towels and body fluids smeared around and their other messes, they won't come over anymore? Leaving used sanitary supplies on the floor and sink is really outside of a normal mess.

Your partner is doing them no favours letting them do things like this. It's disrespectful to everyone in the house, and it's gross. Body fluids should be cleaned up immediately. Products with them need to be disposed of properly.

I hope you don't leave perfume in the bathroom!

A friend's DD poured half a bottle of Shalimar into the bath when at her dad's. She thought it was bath oil, and couldn't understand why her DF's partner went ballistic.

Just saw this.

They may want their own decor, but you can insist that the walls be somewhat 'reasonable' (if that's the right word for it). This is where you get to make the final decision. You offer a range of paint colours (ie not black, deep purple, hot pink whatever) that are within reason and they choose. The benefit of this is also that they learn a lesson on compromise. They may want black or hot pink, but have to settle for a shade of grey, or a paler pink. You get my drift. Soft furnishings, curtains etc they can probably go wild with as those can be replaced. Anyone staying in one of their rooms as a guest will understand why there may be more 'colourful' soft furnishings.

But as I say, start them in one room, neutrally painted. Then if they prove themselves the paint can change. And you can set a timeframe for the neatness. Tidy for 6 months (before 2 rooms) without having to be repeatedly told to keep it clean, perhaps?

My sister and I shared a room. She was unbelievably tidy, I was a slob (not 'dirty' but messy). We managed to rub along with a room half tidy and half messy until she moved out. Then I was to move to a smaller bedroom and our parents take the master. Mum told me that if I could keep my new room neat and tidy then we'd redecorate. I think it was probably about 6 months and I learnt good tidiness habits. This was in the late '60s (and NOT double duty as a guest room) so I got my Op Art wallpaper, shag carpet, and psychedelic curtains. I kept up my habits with only occasional prodding (mostly to put clothes in the hamper not on the bed). After I moved out they redid the room and mum said the wallpaper had been giving her headaches for 7 years and she was so glad to see it go!

I’d tell them that you will consider a room each when they can learn to respect the room that they share. It seems like an awful lot of mess for 2 days. Maybe dad needs to be going up to inspect their pre leaving tidy up and stopping them leaving towels in the bed or kicking stuff under the bed. They are old enough to start respecting their rooms. If they kept rooms clean i’d say YABU making them share, as then you could just ensure 2 beds are in 1 room so they share when guests come over. But as you say, you can’t expect guests to share a disgusting room, or you having a massive clean up every time a guest comes. Maybe tell them if they kept their side of the deal for 3-6 months, you’ll consider a room each.

I don’t get this ‘priority’ thing.

Kids across our family have always shared rooms when there was a guest room kept for guests, and they were part of families for whom guests are welcome , especially grandparents, cousins etc, making sure there is a welcome for people we love and who love us!

What does it say to 12 year olds that grandma is expected to sleep on a fold out put u up?

Give the message it’s not because they also have a home at their Mums, it’s because as a family we all welcome guests, and if you have another baby it will share with Ds!

Hospitality is a great quality, IME, IMO.

Though rarely seen so on MN.

They are pre teens they are going to do stuff that is lazy and just annoying. If they have been for a shower they need to put their towels in the bin, no sweets in rooms etc if they all share a room at their mums house it is probably chaos there too and their mum let's it slide because she hasn't the energy to clean the room or is blue in the face trying to get them to tidy it.

Surely the obvious solution is to have a room each, but if it clashes with your friends or family staying, they need to share a room. On the proviso they keep their rooms clean. I’d let clothes on the floor go, but I would say ‘the minute I see make-up stains, you’re back in the same room.’

I’d give them the large room
with en-suite to share, then refuse to set foot in there ever again. Make it your DH’s job to go in and clean up the carnage.

Well the replies go back and forth.

I have shared a room almost my entire life;
shared a bedroom with my sister
shared a dorm room at uni
shared a sleeping loft at my sorority at uni
had an apartment slept alone for 2 yrs
got married share a room
still sharing a room

its not a punishment it’s logistics.

and no way would I sacrifice a ready to go guest room for it to desecrated with nail
polish and makeup.

Give them the biggest room and put in some form of room divider (e.g Kalax shelves) so that each has an area ti make their own, decor wise

Your DH really needs to step up and parent. He is really letting them down.

They share a room in their main home, so I don't see the issue re them sharing at their other home, where they spend less than 20% of their time

Under no circumstances would I give them another room to trash. Instead, I'd be quietly engineering for them to piss off permanently; they're almost 13, they can vote with their feet and live with their mother. There are lots of ways to do that. But then I'm certainly not a doormat. Sorry, not the #bekind sort.

And sure as hell I wouldn't be teaching those two fifthly mares normal human behaviour. #NotMyJob

This is my preference!

The hassle of sorting out their room currently makes me really annoyed and resentful. It causes arguments between me and DP. I don’t want to be doing room checks and teaching them how to make a bed for the billionth time whilst they roll their eyes.

So it’s not so much keeping a guest room it’s more how they treat their current spaces? Your dh really needs to start parenting to ensure they respect their room. Have raised 4 teenagers and 1 tween no way would I allow them to leave their rooms in such a disgusting state. Crockery in their room for too long I get - but used sanitary towels left out? Nail varnish on carpets? What the hell is your dh doing? And how dare he say he doesn’t want to clean up after them. If he won’t clean up after them then he needs to ensure they clean up after themselves.

@ArtAngel surely it depends on how often you have guests. If you only have guests a couple of times a year and they stay a night. I wouldn’t be having a guest room lying empty the rest of the year whilst siblings have to share

Since neither they nor DP are willing to do the necessary work for them to have their own rooms in a decent state, this is the only option. It can be reviewed and you can redecorate again if necessary, as and when they have arranged it between them in a way that doesn't entail you picking up any pieces due to them being minging.

This seems like a perfect solution. Share until they can prove they can keep their room tidy enough for the occasional guest.

Also, is there anything stopping them using the guest room if they need a bit of space whilst they’re staying with you.

They are old enough to keep a tidy room, not destroy your furniture and be respectful of the whole family dynamics. It is NOT a choice for them. DP must step up and parent, it is not for you to do this.

Maybe if none of them can respect your home then DP takes them to a Travelodge for EVERY weekend in future. Why should you clean up their mess, they are not your family and your DS deserves better in his permanent home.