To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

They haven’t outright requested separate rooms, but they have said they want separate rooms, mainly because they want different decor. They’ve never had to be separated for fighting or upsetting each other, nor have I ever heard complaints about room sharing either here or at their mum’s. They do blame each other for the mess whenever called out on it.

They’re aware (and accepting) that guests may need to share their room, and they're generally quite easygoing girls, so I don’t think there’d be any upset about that. I do think separate rooms might help them take more accountability and develop their separate identities a bit more.

If they were neat and tidy, and I only had to go in to collect a laundry basket and change the sheets, I’d have no issues with them having a room each.

We’ve only recently decided on which house to buy so it’s now that DP and I are discussing who gets which room.

I would encourage them to improve their room hygiene. Prove that they can live more reasonably, say for 3 months, then if they can they get to separate, but if not they stay together.

A guest room is nice, but not a necessity. The girls need a comfortable space.

That said, the level of mess is so extreme that I would not give them 2 rooms unless they literally cleaned up their act. Nail polish spills and mucous and oils smeared around, you couldn't have a cleaning lady in to clean that type of mess. They're destroying household goods and furniture and you could have mold growing from the wet towels shoved under the bed.

They share at their mom's and your partner allows them to disrespect your home, is unwilling to parent them into better habits or clean up after them, so they continue to share at yours unless they show major changes.

You know your partner is part of the problem here. He wants guests, but he's unwilling to parent this issue effectively or clean.

They know they’re welcome to spend more time here, we’ve said since they were 11 that they can decide where they spend time. DP did take legal advice and was told that unless there was documented issues, they would get to decide.

Our house is a half hr bus ride away from school and they say they don’t want to get the bus. I think it is also that we have more rules, and they are loyalty bonded to their mum, but there’s nothing we/i can do about that.

They already have good personal hygiene at OP's house and have a bath/shower every day using OP's expensive products.

It's the disgusting state of their bedroom that is the major issue and the smearing of bogies on the walls in particular which sounds like very disfuctional and concerning behaviour.

If they want one to sleep in and one to hang out in, is that not the solution?

can the hanging out in room have a sofa bed for guests but they can chill in it. Get them to help choose stuff but make it clear that when guests are there they can’t use it. Also make it clear that they can’t have makeup/nail varnish etc in there.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with making them share and having a spare room. They are with you so infrequent you will spend more time cleaning one room for guests than it’s worth.

Sounds like they haven’t even mentioned it. Don’t make a rod for your own back either promises of separate rooms if they are tidy! You’ve moved your whole life to be closer to them…. Which means you need a spare room. End of discussion for me!

Presumably they only share a room at their mum's house because their mum doesn't have enough rooms, nevermind a spare room for guests.

IF they have separate rooms, will they fight over the room with the ensuite?

This! Also I’d have an extra bed in the larger room so the twin moving for guests can sleep in a proper bed

The problem with allowing two rooms until they’re messy, then switching them back to one, or allowing two but one is also a guest room, is that both girls want the decor to be how they choose. So one girl will have to be in the other’s room. And I don’t want the “guest room” to be covered in stickers and black paint either, let alone snot and mould.

I have zero faith in their ability to keep it clean either. They may be able to keep it up for a few months but I think it’d slide.

No - she sounds like a decent person who is married to a Disney Dad

You are absolutely not unreasonable!!
There is nothing wrong with them sharing a
room. I had to share with my two sisters growing up and I’m certainly not traumatised by it. I did this until I moved out at 17.

They do not need their own rooms, especially somewhere they live a few days a month. You need space for your mum too so tough, they can stop being entitled and bloody share.

I would say they should share. They are sisters and they get on so why not.

Yep I completely agree with this.

Why? Other people live there and pay towards it

When DH's daughter was that age, she would put used sanitary towels into the waste paper basket, no attempt to wrap them up etc. DH was too embarrassed to say anything. I doubt she did that at her mothers.

YANBU. Make the shared room really nice, give them an input into the decor etc, but keep the other room as a nice clean calm adult guest room. It would be different if they lived with you full time.

I wouldn't have a room for guess, they would share if that guess is there when they are but I would give one to each one to be kept tidy. If not they can go back to share their piggery.

This
also no make up or food or drinks in it

no going out /tv phone etc till riom
clean

to be a spare room you need a decent sofa bed or double bed in one

are both messy or is one tidy yet other messy so seems both are

I think I would give them one room with the opportunity to "earn" the guest room if they can reliably keep their room clean and tidy for a couple of months (on the understanding they will have to share when you have guests, and will go back to sharing if they don't continue to keep the rooms clean and tidy)

We have them left on the bathroom cabinets and floor here…

My house is very 'lived-in', but even by my standards that is absolutely disgusting.

Given the revolting state in which they leave their bedroom, I definitely wouldn't be giving them a room each to start with.

They can share the room with the ensuite as that keeps them out of the family bathroom, and I think it's a brilliant idea to put down a vinyl floor (if there's decent carpet in there , take it up and keep it in the loft). Keep soft furnishings to a minimum.

If they can keep that room clean and tidy for however long you decide is a fair trial (I'd say at least 3 months with you and DH overseeing/enforcing, then 3 months with minimal intervention from you and DH), then they could trial separate rooms.

They are absolutely old enough to learn how to clean up after themselves, and to understand that there are different rules/standards at Dad's and Mum's houses.

It might be that they aren't bothered about sharing a bedroom, so it might not be enough of a motivator to change. In which case they don't need separate rooms anyway...

Then since you have no objection IF they were tidy, I'd discuss it first with DP and see if he agrees on shared room until they prove continuing tidiness, then separate rooms with a return to shared if they get messy again. It may even be that if they are able to become and stay tidy they'll no longer care about separate rooms, especially if one of them has been responsible for most of the mess..

They should have their own rooms. It doesn't matter if they are there less than guests, they are part of the household so get priority.

At 12, your husband should be parenting them properly and making sure they keep their rooms relatively clean. That's his job.