To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

Lesser because - unlike the child of the marriage - they're not worth their own space or the parenting it takes to ensure it's kept to a reasonable standard, even though such a space exists. Lesser because theyre so disgusting they have to be kept out of the "family" bathroom. Lesser because there's no effort to meet them halfway, just a load of bullshit about how maybe if they become very tidy and spend 50% of their time at the OP's then they just might be worthy of better treatment one day.

I despise parents (step or otherwise) who treat children of previous relationships this way.

Would you like some vinegar for that massive chip on your shoulder?

I think that's spot on, OP. A large shared room with a private bathroom would be acceptable even if they had pristine habits.

If you no longer have room for friends to stay so be it, your family’s needs come first and now the girls are older their privacy and own space is more important than offering a free stay to friends - they can find a hotel.

Why on earth do 2 exactly the same age whole sisters need privacy from each other? In most households it would be perfectly normal to share even when the DC are there all the time. These girls are only using the room on average 2 days a fortnight! It is far easier to give them their room that is permanently theirs than to faff about reorganising rooms when visitors arrive. Even if they weren't messy, it still means they could leave a normal amount of stuff in their room permanently so there is not upheaval when visitors arrive.

Thirdly, I take on board and agree with what posters are saying about making DH go and supervise. Personally I have shown them how to tidy and what to do dozens of times. They’re not incapable, this is a choice. Which is why I am getting increasingly angry about it, which then causes arguments between me and DP.

And why do posters think it is your responsibility to make her DH go and supervise. He's a grown adult; if he's not doing it off his own bat, how is OP going to make him.

"And why do posters think it is your responsibility to make her DH go and supervise. He's a grown adult; if he's not doing it off his own bat, how is OP going to make him."

By telling him she is sick to death of him shirking his responsibilities with his dirty, messy children who are acting like vandals in her house.

After EOWE their room is like a bomb site: clothes thrown over their floor, make up smeared into furniture and carpet, rubbish on the floor instead of their bin, wet towels shoved under beds to rot, dirty clothes and underwear in the bed instead of their laundry basket.
You’d be surprised. It’s not just a bit messy but in the last few months, there’s been nail varnish spilled on the floor and covered up with dirty clothes, bogies smeared on a wall, cotton buds covered in ear wax in a bed, some kind of lip oil dropped on white furniture and smeared around, chewing gum stuck under a bed…

Thank goodness she isn't married to this guy !

If he can't knock his dirty girls into some kind of shape, then she needs to rethink the relationship.

They're not there the vast majority of the time! Whats wrong with you!

Why? He's only buying half the house.

Well he's made his choice then hasn't he. They share a room which HE cleans after HIS ferral kids have stayedI

That's the thing. I doubt you would bother moving if you didn't have regular visitors. The spare room is so you can host your guests comfortably. Since when did having 2 same sex, same age children sharing a large bedroom become a problem.

Exactly. They aren't there most of the time so the room would still be available to guests or the OP and yet they still can't have use of it. Such a little thing and its still a no.

EOWE and with dubious hygiene. I'd tend to using one room for them to store all their belongings in but let one of them sleep (and only sleep) in the guest bedroom if they want to.

By telling him she is sick to death of him shirking his responsibilities with his dirty, messy children who are acting like vandals in her house.

It sounds like she has already done that multiple times; doesn't seem to have worked so far!

Well she must have more tolerance than I have.

The bogies smeared on the walls would have done it for me.

Have these kids been assessed for mental health issues?

Adding ....
This gives them a chance to show they can keep a pristine room pristine.
If they can't do that then guest room privileges are removed.

Treated this way? Sharing a large en-suite bedroom with your twin sister? You seriously think that is a hardship? And you don't think this would be the case in a 3 child family which plays host to many visitors even when these DC are there all time, rather than 50 odd days a year. In most of the world this would be regarded as absolute luxury as it would indeed be the case with many families in the UK.

Well firstly is not a little thing given OP would then have 2 rooms which were left in a state after visits, given she cant rely on her partner to manage this

Secondly when someone comes to say one of the sisters has to decamp to the 'others' room and that will cause a dynamic between them rather than just sharing the room as it is

It literally is only on this website that I see this anal obsession with siblings not sharing rooms or acting like its some massive childhood trauma, up and down the country this happens all the time with no ill effects and there wont be any ill effects here apart from OPs sanity trying to deal with her partner and the mess.

Its really quite offensive some of these heightened over the top responses.

Oh Lordy, Lordy please tell me she isn't going to set up house with this useless guy and his bogie smearing daughters.

"When challenged and made to clean up something particularly gross, they each deny it, blame the other, then sulk."

So why has their father allowed them to get away with this sort of behaviour?

IMO the OP needs a rethink of the whole situation.

I'm out of here, the thought of bogies on the walls is just too much for me.😮

Is there a way of them having one of the larger room to share and then using kalax style units to make a room divider do that they still have privacy and space away from each other ?

If they already share at mums and aren't over at yours a lot of the time then I don't think it's unreasonable to have them share a room at yours at this age. As they get older that may need adjusting...

I'm a twin and see no problem in them continuing sharing; I'm surprised they want to be separated. My sister and I are not identical nor that close - we went to different high schools at 11. I didn't have my own room until I left home. Just shut the door on their mess next time and leave it until their next visit. Yes it will stink and annoy you but not as annoyed as they will be on their next visit that their unpaid servant hasn't cleaned up!

Just a thought - if you give in and they continue to have the 3-way share at Mum's, they are likely to start asking to live with you and Dad permanently. I'm not suggesting you won't want that, but its not an insignificant consideration. I take it their 3rd sister isn't your dp's child?

In terms of the mess - you both need to tackle this firmly with some real sanctions. Phones for example. I have an app so I can turn their phones off until im satisfied the room is clean. In your case once uts clean I'd turn the phones off as a result of an infringement. Ideally you want to prevent the infringement rather than have to chase up the cleaning.

At 12 the girls do have some responsibility over self care.
My almost 13 year old is currently walking around with a messy mop on the top of his head… it looks like it could do with a wash and definitely needs it cut as he’s peering out from under a fringe and it’s sticking out in all directions.
I book a barbers apt for his brothers and offer to book him in, he declines to go.
I can’t force him into the car and equally I can’t force him into a shower to wash it.
I can tell him to shower, I can’t force him into it, I can turn off his phone, devices etc and if he’s still determined not to have one imagine what someone would say if I physically tried to drag him into the shower, stripped him off an tried to scrub him?!
He’s bigger than me, stronger than me and would find it hilarious if I tried.
Ive told him if he stinks he’ll have no mates, get spotty and people will think he’s unloved.
Their Mum sounds like she’s given up on some respects and you can’t blame her if they won’t do stuff

Those poor girls- both parents have moved om and had more children. Also, you're not their mother, so you get no say. And why did you get intona relationship with a man with children?