To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

Separating from the crowd here but I’d love to know why the general population have a need for each child to have their own room! It’s so uncommon abroad, it was largely unheard off for most of history, it’s well known that sharing can really foster relationships.

Sacrifices that include moving to a bigger house in a ‘pretty location’. My heart bleeds.

@Cachet88 Not unreasonable to expect 12 year old twins to share given the relative infrequency of their visiting. But I think you should agree to keep this under review as they will want more space as they get older (even in the next year or two) and maintaining their home with their father is more important than a guest room that’s always available.

Their messiness is neither here nor there, room allocation should be about fairness and practicality. Manage the messiness separately .

Thankfully DH's children were adults so we never had to worry about them having a room. There's no way my elderly mother would be booking into a hotel or sleeping on a camp bed.

This makes you sound a bit unreasonable like they can’t do anything right.

I think they should get their own rooms, as they come before guests.

Its their home and if guests don’t like sleeping in the front room then they need to get a hotel.

DH needs to be the one teaching the girls how to be clean and cleaning up after them if they’re not.

If they have their own rooms it can be easier to know who’s the messy one and if I was DH I would be joking about this and having a reward chart.
The one that keeps their room tidy gets a treat at the end of each month.

I would set them the challenge of keeping their rooms clean until you move in to the new place to earn each having their own rooms.

Your DH needs to step up and parent. Even if you only go to somewhere every other week, you should still know you’re not allowed to rub bogies up the wall there.

Ive never understood why so many people in MN think that sharing a room is some sort of hardship. wealthy families send their kids to boarding schools where they share with up to 10 children and we all choose to share with our spouses as adults. it’s really not a big sacrifice.

THey can share. Maybe put a room divider in to split a room into two.

Your mother stays there every 6 weeks or so. Your DH's family is international and visit regularly throughout the year. And friends come and stay with you regularly. Situations like frequent guests, esp international family guests, makes this the best option.

That’s what I was going to suggest. If they are really keen to have their own rooms then they should be willing to agree to some rules such as keeping them in a fit state that they could easily be switched to guest rooms when required. A trial period of six months could be used and if it doesn’t work out then they will have to go back to sharing one room so the other one can be keep clean for guests. At 12 years old they are old enough to understand the consequences.

🤢 🤢

Minging!

I would also not allow them the en-suite.

if they share family bathroom you will know who trashes it and thy can go back and tidy /clean it

the en-suite is nice for guests to have privacy or even you and dh

I agree with this. If they can demonstrate they can keep a room clean and tidy consistently, the reward is separate rooms. If they can’t keep it tidy then they have to share.

So if you give them both a room who is getting the ensuite? Is this not going to cause problems?

I would only have guests on the weekends the twins are not there as if you do give them separate rooms and one has to move back in to the others room then that may cause problems as @PublicHare has pointed out

This is mumsnet , so step kids come first . There’s your answer .

I'd offer them a deal. A room each as long as they maintain it to certain standards (and spell those out, including specific cleaning instructions) and if they don't keep their rooms to that standard then they come back the next weekend to find all their things together in the one room and they can share from then on.

It’s not a hardship when parents need to provide as much accommodation as they can afford. In this case there’s enough room for them to have their own room, so it feels mean not to do so because you want an occasional guest room.

Lol what sacrifices is their ds making? Having to share his dad eow and half the holidays?
If the OP wasn't prepared to sacrifice anything for her step daughters she should perhaps have stuck to childless men.

They're same-sex siblings - of course they can share. Although maybe you could consider telling them they might get their own rooms later IF they keep this one clean and tidy.

What are they doing when you tell them to clean the room - just ignoring you? I don't see why you should give up another room while that sort of behaviour is still going on.

They stay over EOW, maybe they go for an evening etc more often as well?
It is quite standard in people I know, the dad has the kids EOW and an evening or 2 a week, and some holidays, because (in my experience) the dad usually works full time and the mum doesn’t (either doesn’t work or works part time) because she has the kids more. I appreciate this isn’t the case for everyone, but it is for the majority of co parenting people I know.

They share at their mum’s house so they can share at their dad’s. I like the idea of telling them that if they can keep the room clean, you’ll consider letting them have their own rooms. But no way should you have any more cleaning to do. You have every right to keep a clean and tidy guest room for your mum, family and friends.

It’s half your house and presumably you will be contributing towards it. Therefore you also get a say.

Fair enough if he’s the only one paying for it.

If they’re only there EOW and holidays then they don’t need a room each. Mine share a room full time.

You’ve already accommodated the mother moving to be closer to them.

They don’t refuse to clean, they go up to their room and huff around and do a very basic job. After they’ve left, we find wet or dirty things stuffed into places they shouldn’t be, clean laundry thrown into the laundry basket instead of put away, a rug over spilt food and wrappers, a bed made over dirty pyjamas, that kind of thing.

At that point, the options are cleaning it up ourselves or leaving it and making them do it in almost two weeks’ time, at which point they’ll blame each other (or DS!), sulk, and it puts a downer on the start of our weekend.

I think it’s a combination of naturally being very lazy and messy, weaponised incompetence and having very low standards.

They need to share.
You have sacrificed enough by moving.
You need a room for guests more.
I wouldn't set foot in their.
Leave everything to do with them, their room, bathroom, their laundry, to their father.
Are you paying for half of this move?
I really cannot see the appeal of suchba set up.
Their appears to be very poor parenting going on.

I have daughters and yes they can be messy at times, but you are describing filthy habits.
Not normal.

Oops I read that as end of week & weekends.
Thursday night through to Sunday evening.

not familiar with that acronym.

I'm not a massive fan of acronyms myself. I took it to mean every other weekend but who knows.