AIBU to speak to the head about information being shared?

[Happyspring1]

Hello! Looking for advice on how to handle this.

so I am in a situation where an in law teaches my child (SIL) her mother (my MIL) went no contact with us last year over a lie that was said and lots of false accusations. She has not seen her grandchildren since last year (apart from the few times I am getting to) and the emotional stress and upset it has caused on us all has been alot to say the least. Trying to deal with tears from the kids and sending them to school to be taught by a woman who is part of the reason their grandmother went no contact has been very hard. The biggest concern I face now is that I am aware that information about my children is being passed on to their grandmother via the SIL (teacher) things I do not wish for her to know any more as she made the decision to taker herself out of our lives. She somehow manages to find out and get access to tickets to school concerts (i know full well that her daughter gets her these tickets) and turns up at the right time and place that she could only know if she is being directly told by someone. She knows if they have been off school or unwell so whenever kids see her “show up” it causes huge distress all over again. I plan to speak to the headteacher soon but wondering how much she can actually do about it? This woman is a hood teacher in that sons work is coming along great … its just i don’t want her passing information on about my children to anyone!

How can anyone vote that you are not being unreasonable? 🤯 No member of staff should be sharing information about pupils, family or not.

Definitely speak to the head.

I think the waters here are very murky. I think it’s very different if SIL was sharing information about, say medical appointments, that were on your child’s records. But as a teacher in school, she’s going to mention the nativity play and the choir performance because it’s part of her working life. Now if no other family are in the school and MIL is getting tickets restricted to family only, then yes, I would raise that. If there are other grandchildren though, well, I don’t think you have a leg to stand on.

That said, I am NC with my mum. I moved several counties away and she has no idea where we live. There is absolutely no way I’d keep my children in a school with connections to people I didn’t want around my children. Because information will trickle out. Teachers aren’t banned from talking about their students outside of school. They are not allowed to share personal data, but that is not the same as saying the Brown Bears class is going to the zoo on Friday or when the play is (that’s almost certainly on the website and social media anyway).

No way I’d have my kids in a school where any of my family worked though. It’s shit, but I’d put them first and move them so you aren’t feeding into the drama.

Have you considered that maybe your DC is asking your SIL to tell their grandmother about these events? That maybe they want her there?

Its a gdpr breach and a massive safeguarding issue for a teacher to pass on information about any child in her care to a third party regardless of who that third party is. The buying of tickets for school concerts to facilitate contact between her mother and your dc against your wishes is parental interference and is another big no no.
Sil should get raked over the coals for this and if she continues to behave in the same manner after being spoken to by thr head she will be putting her teaching licence on the line

I know this is why I am wondering how much the school can actually do about it. She has no other grandkids in the school, just my kids, and i know school could turn round and say she could be going to see the concert to support her daughter 🤷🏻‍♀️ i just feel so powerless knowing the distress it causes the kids (and me tbh!) I dont want her knowing if they went home sick etc, there is no need for this info to be passed on. I would love to move hundreds of miles away!

I know this is why I am wondering how much the school can actually do about it. She has no other grandkids in the school, just my kids, and i know school could turn round and say she could be going to see the concert to support her daughter 🤷🏻‍♀️ i just feel so powerless knowing the distress it causes the kids (and me tbh!) I dont want her knowing if they went home sick etc, there is no need for this info to be passed on. I would love to move hundreds of miles away!

Sorry was not meant to post twice

I think it would make more sense to talk to the safeguarding and pastoral lead about this. Explain that you are no contact with your mother and the children are as well for personal reasons you do not wish to disclose. (You as a parent have parental right anyways so they need to respect that). Explain that you are not sharing information about school events and the only way you can see mother knowing about it is due to SIL. While you appreciate she is a teacher and may be sharing information about work, it is directly effecting your children and even though it is her worklife she has a duty to her job to maintain professionalism to the children in her care, family or not. 🤷‍♀️ you do have a leg to stand on. However, sil could say it isn't coming from her, however unlikely.

No this is not the case. The whole school hall witnesses my son on stage freeze in the middle of his song when he spotted his grandmother in the crowd. I calmly asked him after what happened why did he freeze? And he said she was there! What was she doing there? Cue lots of tears and confusion for us for a good few days.

You’re not being unreasonable, honestly, it would blow my mind if someone disagreed with you. You need to speak to someone about this now

SIL might not be telling her about the concerts etc. it will be on the school website. If they’re open to anyone she can just ring up and get a ticket. If she’s that invested then she will absolutely check the website / follow the school Facebook page etc.

information about them being off sick definitely shouldn’t be passed on and I would bring that up.

But you cannot ask for the school to ban her from site for events that are advertised freely online and open to the public.

Oh come on op of course teachers parents aren't turning up to school events to watch their adult children.

Most school events are not 'open to the public'.

Surely you've got to move schools.

These events are usually on school website and a grandma could potentially ring for a ticket, saying who they are.
Talk to school about how tickets can be obtained and make it clear you do not want any sold to this person.

I wouldn't like that at all, OP.

Is it worth your Husband approaching his sister first and asking her not to pass on information to your MIL about the children? Stress that if it doesn't stop, he'll need to take it further with the School?

Yes I'd definitely be speaking to both the headteacher and DSL about this and I'd be following up in writing. Your SIL shouldn't be passing any information on, she's in that environment as their teacher not their Auntie so she should be maintaining professionalism that you'd generally expect of any teacher. I would move the children's schools if they don't take it seriously and deal with it properly.

Tickets are advertised via parent mail only and its 2 tickets per family. So i get one and my DH gets one. My DF (children's grandfather) misses out or me or DH miss out

The concerts etc are iffy as others have siad

But sharing private info like grades or when they have been off sick etc is a breach of GDPR and potentially becomes a safeguarding issue too and needs to be reported to the head teacher.

Oh I know this. But its what they could potentially say

Of course they won't.

You have no proof that this teacher is doing anything, you may think she is but you know nothing. As someone else said she may talk in general terms about her work, the school play they are doing, without mentioning your children specifically, it could be other school mums that your MIL knows keeping her up to date, it's sometimes surprising who knows who.

Staff probably also get ticket allocations if they are involved in the production.

Have you proof that she is sharing about being off sick/grades etc. If you have focus on that rather than on the School Play. In that regard just gently explain to the kids that she might be there because sil wants her to see the play she was working on. Better to have them prepared.

Ive been told first hand by FIL that this is what is happening (he is still in contact with us) “how do you know?” “Oh teacher rang MIL last night etc etc..” so despite not having hard proof, I do know that it is what is happening, is it still worth raising my concerns do you think? Also the incidence where my DS froze, they had prelims before hand so someone must have informed her that he was successful and informed her exactly what time he would be on stage. We were only informed the evening before that he had successfully got a place on stage (parentmail email) and did not tell anyone.