AIBU to speak to the head about information being shared?

[Happyspring1]

Hello! Looking for advice on how to handle this.

so I am in a situation where an in law teaches my child (SIL) her mother (my MIL) went no contact with us last year over a lie that was said and lots of false accusations. She has not seen her grandchildren since last year (apart from the few times I am getting to) and the emotional stress and upset it has caused on us all has been alot to say the least. Trying to deal with tears from the kids and sending them to school to be taught by a woman who is part of the reason their grandmother went no contact has been very hard. The biggest concern I face now is that I am aware that information about my children is being passed on to their grandmother via the SIL (teacher) things I do not wish for her to know any more as she made the decision to taker herself out of our lives. She somehow manages to find out and get access to tickets to school concerts (i know full well that her daughter gets her these tickets) and turns up at the right time and place that she could only know if she is being directly told by someone. She knows if they have been off school or unwell so whenever kids see her “show up” it causes huge distress all over again. I plan to speak to the headteacher soon but wondering how much she can actually do about it? This woman is a hood teacher in that sons work is coming along great … its just i don’t want her passing information on about my children to anyone!

Yes.

You are definitely not unreasonable to ask school to ensure that all teachers (SIL) do not share any information gained through their employment in school about your kids with ANYONE outside of school.

I would also let them know the effect on your son of MIL going to see him.

OP how do you know that grandmother knows when the kids are off sick, if you are NC with her?

Like I said previously, through Father in law who us still very much in contact daily with us.

Sounds secondary school age in which case sometimes we do get "strangers" ie non parents or grandparents attend shows etc. Not sure what you can do about that.

Primary school both children

I would absolutely speak to the school! Especially as your son is very upset over it all.
How old are your children?

In that case I'd be speaking to the Head. Not sure what you can do about the plays etc- maybe raise it as a safe-guarding concern if you are NC, she should be coming to the school to see your children in plays.

Deffo raise about the SIL passing on when your children are off sick though, that's completely out of order

DS is yr 4 DD is in reception

Haven't you posted about this a few times before? SIL teaching, concert tickets, freezing on stage? I've definitely read it. Have you done anything since last time?

Yanbu but would moving schools be an option? Stops any confusion over boundaries

I've never know primary school staff to get ticket allocations to 'school productions they're involved with'.

Ring up and get a ticket? I'm guessing you might not be in the UK, that is very much not a thing here

No, the incident on stage was just the other day .

OP, can your Husband speak to his sister and ask her to stop relaying information?

They do prelims in primary?

Move house/ school?

Have you asked SIL to stop doing this? Arrange a meeting via school to meet your dc’s teacher and tell her directly you do not consent to her sharing any info about your kids. Explain you don’t want to go to the head, but you will if you have to.

How do you get along with SIL (outside of her teaching role)?

This is bonkers, if you are in daily contact with your FIL as you claim, then this is how MIL knows about yourvkids being ill surely. Or maybe their dad is telling her! I dont understand why yourvkidscare so upsst by ypur MIL-why have they become involved in your fall out?
And above all, why are you sending them to a school whete they will be in SILs class.
Finally of course you cant go in to school to accuse the class teacher of something you have no proof of.

My parents did when I first started teaching! And sometimes my year 6 leavers performances too. I know other teachers whose parents turn up too but not sure how common it is!

Of course its not 😅 we know our situation better than you thank you. We dont tell him, he tells us “oh i hear DS for example was off today” errm how do you know? “Oh SIL rang her mother earlier to say he wasn’t in” their father is not telling her anything believe me he is far too disgusted in his mothers actions. You dont understand? How lucky for you not to have to be involved with such a cruel cruel person. My children went from seeing their grandmother to not seeing her at all, and trying to explain to them in a decent way why she no longer wants to see them is pretty damn hard and confusing! I did not send them to school where she would be their teacher, I send them there, she got a job there. I cant go in with accusations no but I can certainly raise concerns!

Is it possible that your SIL thinks the falling out is silly and is trying to build bridges. Obviously I don’t know the ins and out of the argument but she could see it as olive branch

SIL was the main cause, planted the lie to her mother, she is no seeker of peace at all.

Does your dh agree with you re NC with only his mother, but not his father?
Am also sure i remember this from a previous thread, where the reason for the HUGE fallout was really spurious and the op was more the unreasonable one in their demands?

We did not go no contact with her she went NC with us. We are respecting her wishes and FIL is livid with his wife and daughter. I dont know about another post but I have 0 demands, other than my childrens lives being protected and kept private from people hell bent on tearing their mother down and turning their backs on them for no good reason other than they prefer to spend their time lying and living off that lie