AIBU to speak to the head about information being shared?

[Happyspring1]

Hello! Looking for advice on how to handle this.

so I am in a situation where an in law teaches my child (SIL) her mother (my MIL) went no contact with us last year over a lie that was said and lots of false accusations. She has not seen her grandchildren since last year (apart from the few times I am getting to) and the emotional stress and upset it has caused on us all has been alot to say the least. Trying to deal with tears from the kids and sending them to school to be taught by a woman who is part of the reason their grandmother went no contact has been very hard. The biggest concern I face now is that I am aware that information about my children is being passed on to their grandmother via the SIL (teacher) things I do not wish for her to know any more as she made the decision to taker herself out of our lives. She somehow manages to find out and get access to tickets to school concerts (i know full well that her daughter gets her these tickets) and turns up at the right time and place that she could only know if she is being directly told by someone. She knows if they have been off school or unwell so whenever kids see her “show up” it causes huge distress all over again. I plan to speak to the headteacher soon but wondering how much she can actually do about it? This woman is a hood teacher in that sons work is coming along great … its just i don’t want her passing information on about my children to anyone!

The problem here is that it is the MIL who went to no contact. OP can't force honest and grown-up talks on her if she won't engage.

This.

SIL has no right to share info on illnesses or school events tgat yiur children will be at with MIL.

What does your husband say, since its his mother? And sister?

If your SIL is passing on medical info that she only has due to being their teacher then that is GDPR breach (if you are not happy for her as family member to share).

If children are upset by GM presence at school then could request she is not allowed to attend events

I would absolutely move schools and would have done as soon as this started. I can't believe you haven't to be honest, attending this school must be constantly rubbing salt into the children's wounds.

Why would the teacher ring the grandmother. Have I picked this up wrong. I would be going into school and having that stopped.

Is your mil wanting a relationship with the children. Is your child able to be moved to another class. Some schools are so big there are a couple of classes for each year.

Time to speak to mil and just put down boundaries. Then go nc. Id make it very clear, and face to face so she clearly understands.

Nope - given the rest of the drama, it’s hard to tell.

This is exactly right, any suggestion of an adult conversation round the table to move forward lead to me being laughed at

Yes you are being very nosy 😂 my post is not about the reason for any falling out, its about weather or not i am being unreasonable to share my concerns with the head teacher that information is being shared about my children outside of school putting them in an enabling position over me as their mother. I would be equally livid if any other teacher were doing this as I am sure you as any decent mother would be.

Looks like you missed the bit where the grand mothers daughter is the teacher. She calls her mother, most evenings, discusses my children. Gives her info on various things happening in the school, buys tickets for her to attend concerts etc, knowing full well that they her mother has gone NC with us over a lie that SIL told. Its screaming “we can treat you like crap and throw your kids into the trash bin but we still have power over you”

Even if the children were asking SIL ( their teacher) to pass on info she should not be sharing info about children she teaches - it is a breach of data protection.
SIL as the adult should be telling the children that she cannot share their info with their grandmother.

If this is your concern then you have to contact the head. To be honest you should have done it a long time ago it seems.

I’d also question why non parents are attending school functions. All in all there’s a strong case here for moving the children. Certainly the younger one. They’re caught in the middle of the family breakdown and it’s doing no party any good.

Its awful tbh I can quite believe what they have done. Ive been stuck in a place of this cant keep happening to, I dont want to do anything that will make them even crazier, is this unreasonable of me? Can i really stop her coming, I dont want to get SIL into trouble despite all shes done I just want it to be stopped. Etc etc im exhausted by it all.

I honestly don't understand why you are enduring having your child in her class. This is a woman who you have claimed told egregious lies about you, and has encouraged her mother to go no contact with you (and consequently her grandkids). And yet you allow your son to spend the entirety of his school days being taught by her?

This makes absolutely no sense. And it can't be good for your son either.

OP, several of us have asked this question, and you haven't answered, which is odd, as it seems like the most sensible option. Can your Husband talk to his sister first and ask her to stop?

The school should be responsible for ensuring that all members of their staff behave professionally and do not pass on confidential information about their pupils. If SIL's conduct is unprofessional and she is breaking confidentiality/breaching GDPR, the school needs to know so that they can stop this happening.

SIL should get into trouble though. She is behaving disgracefully and unprofessionally. Your SIL and your MIL are using all the weapons in their arsenal to cause trouble and a massive rift while you are still trying to play by the rules and protect SIL's job. She deserves to lose her job or at least to have some sort of warning to stop her passing on confidential information about your children to her malevolent mother.

If the children move to another school, the SiL won’t be able to speak to her mother about them, because she won’t be seeing them on a daily basis.

I would look at the availability of places in year R and year 4 and move them as soon as possible. Unless there are particular other reasons why they have to stay in that school. It isn’t ideal for the children, but they won’t be fretting over whether or not their grandmother will be in school.

The OP would surely feel better knowing that information is not being shared to someone she doesn’t want knowing anything about the family.

If your MIL wants no contact, why does she want to see your children? Or is it to intimidate them in some way?
Honestly I might speak to the school, and I would ask that your MIL not be allowed attend school functions. I don't know if anything can stop your SIL giving your MIL info

You and your husband need to speak to his parents properly like grown ups. Sounds like his sister is stirring things up so take her power away

So you’d rather have your children suffer than get SIL in trouble????????? Jeez she’s deserving of everything she gets. Why are you being too nice? Sort the woman out and stand up for your kids. You are being walked all over.

If this is such a massive deal why have you got to the end of term 4 and not even spoken to the headteacher? Surely when you found out who the teacher was last year you should've said something then?

Honestly, if your SIL is passing this information on, she deserves all the trouble she gets. Out if order.

Op definitely speak to the head and explain that the grandmother isn’t in your dc lives for good reason and is it possible to prevent her attending any events that your kids are involved in. It seems pretty toxic behaviour of the sil and gm to put the children through this. School should feel safe for them this is where they will grow and learn do you speak to your sil?

None of this makes sense tbh.

1. The SIL is such a shit stirrer that she caused MIL to go no contact not just with you but your kids? And you're allowing her to have anything to do with your kids why?! It would have been a blanket 'no' to her having anything to do with the children if it was me and she's that toxic tbh. Tricky if she works at the school but you absolutely can ask that she isn't allowed to teach your children or any information be shared with her

2. How is an adult who isn't the legal guardian of a child or explicitly invited by their legal guardian managing to get into a primary school play?! This is definitely a safeguarding concern and I would be telling the school that next time she's allowed into the audience you will be immediately leaving with your children

3. If gm has chosen to go no contact why is she bothering to stalk your kids like this? If she actually wants a relationship with them can you not just facilitate one through your DH? If she doesn't and is just doing this to upset you and your kids then why on earth are you being so passive about this?! Literaĺly walk up to her and tell her to piss off.

4. Why on earth aren't you talking to the school safeguarding lead about all of the above? It's a massive safeguarding concern and they have a member of staff who's not only breaking gdpr rules but creating an unsafe environment for your kids

Crack down on this hard op and be prepared to move schools if the school response is inadequate

Thank you, this is exactly the tough talking to I needed!