AIBU to speak to the head about information being shared?

[Happyspring1]

Hello! Looking for advice on how to handle this.

so I am in a situation where an in law teaches my child (SIL) her mother (my MIL) went no contact with us last year over a lie that was said and lots of false accusations. She has not seen her grandchildren since last year (apart from the few times I am getting to) and the emotional stress and upset it has caused on us all has been alot to say the least. Trying to deal with tears from the kids and sending them to school to be taught by a woman who is part of the reason their grandmother went no contact has been very hard. The biggest concern I face now is that I am aware that information about my children is being passed on to their grandmother via the SIL (teacher) things I do not wish for her to know any more as she made the decision to taker herself out of our lives. She somehow manages to find out and get access to tickets to school concerts (i know full well that her daughter gets her these tickets) and turns up at the right time and place that she could only know if she is being directly told by someone. She knows if they have been off school or unwell so whenever kids see her “show up” it causes huge distress all over again. I plan to speak to the headteacher soon but wondering how much she can actually do about it? This woman is a hood teacher in that sons work is coming along great … its just i don’t want her passing information on about my children to anyone!

Honestly I actually think you should talk to the safe guarding lead at the school. I am a Teaching Assistant and what you are talking about sounds like a safe guarding breech which your SIL could and should be in big trouble for.

If your SIL had a child at the school if would be fair enough. If your son Jonny and his first cousin Harry were in the same school and Harry (along with SIL and his dad) got on fine with his Nan and wanted her to see him in the play, you couldn't prevent MIL seeing your Jonny unless there was legally a restraining order on her.

There is nothing especially usual about a teacher's mum going to events though. I mean if SIL was putting on a play maybe and needed extra helpers or something, but not generally.

The main thing here is the impact on your children. If you talk to the school about how upset your son was and how this can’t continue then I don’t see how they can’t support a request to keep the grandmother away from the school. I don’t care that she got tickets legitimately through her daughter; your SIL can be told by the Head that can’t happen anymore, because of course the welfare of the children at the school comes before an adult staff member getting to have guests of their choice attending. You probably can’t control the flow of information but the school can and should ensure your wishes are respected about access to your children from estranged relatives who don’t need to be there.

You’re being far too dramatic here! How on earth is your Ds having his privacy completely destroyed by his grandmother being in a public audience of a performance? And how did you not know she was there? It must be a massive school!

Thank you for your sensible suggestion:)

Speak to the DSL and emphasise how unprofessional it is of her to share information and how upset your children are when they see your MIL.

Many primary schools now do the complete opposite. They don’t have their newsletters, calendar of events, class information and so on their websites at all. And their social media can only be accessed by invitation.

I would make an appointment with the safeguarding lead at the school and talk to them.

When dealing with an issue concerning a member of staff, you’ll have to deal with the headteacher

I’m a teacher. This. It would be Headteacher and not safeguarding lead though. It’s a complaint against a member of staff 🫡

i wouldn’t invite my wife to a school event, for example. The sister in law is an adult and the mother has no place being there

I’d maybe give her the heads up. Maybe tell her that if it happens again you’ll be forced to make an official complaint. It’s serious you see. I’d suggest gross negligence. Potentially sackable.

i question the school in all of this as well. Letting randomers go to school events.

It would help if you added this to your previous thread on your SIL teacher passing information to your estranged MiL.

It would help to know what the lie was to try and gauge the severity of what’s going on here.

To be honest though I’d be moving schools. Given you suggest the sister in law is an issue, despite being a good teacher, it doesn’t seem realistic for your children to remain.

i don’t think it’s workable for you or the sister in law, nor do I think it’s fair on the kids who are now stuck in the middle

Of course she shouldn't be passing information on but she can talk about her work and its impossible for the school to police this.

Your son's dramatic reaction to seeing his grandmother is worrying.

The only way to reduce the drama around this is for the kids to change school. I wouldn't want to deal with this for 6 years as your youngest is only in reception.

Not is it’s about safeguarding. Which it is.

all allegations about a member of staff, and this is what it is, need to go to the headteacher. It won’t be dealt with by a safeguarding lead. To be honest in a primary school it’s likely to be the same person anyway

but we’re digressing

Your local primary schools publicises events and anyone can attend the school plays? That is exceptionally unusual.

I'd speak to the Head and bring safeguarding into it. Your MIL is NC with her GC and her turning up at the school is emotionally harming them. It's a power play by the pair of them. Sometimes people do get power mad, they forget their roles and codes of conduct. Your SIL needs reminding of them.

I just don’t think you should be telling a parent that she should not go to the safeguarding team in a school and that she will have to talk to the head teacher.

It’s you that is fuelling the digression.

Nobody should be discouraging people from talking to safeguarding staff. And no primary school has only the headteacher as a safeguarding person even in the smallest of schools.

I think you are wrong to say she has to go to the head only and you think I’m wrong by saying she doesn’t but telling a parent not to go to safeguarding when she has a concern about her child in school is not the right thing to do.

Arrange a meeting with the head. Write down notes to have them ready, with what information was disclosed, when, how. Keep it simple, factual and accurate. Explain that this is about breach of confidentiality and trust with the school. You just want this to stop , and your children have as much right to privacy as any other pupil.

I don’t get the point you’re making?

im simply saying that an allegation against a member of staff HAS to be dealt with by the Headteacher of the school. That is safeguarding policy.

im hardly saying don’t go to the safeguarding team (a primary school won’t really have one, like) just signposting from being in the profession that it will have to go through the Headtescher.

I would speak to the head teacher today and explain how upset your son was seeing his grandmother in the crowd. Explain the situation & ask why a non-parent is just randomly allowed to come to school events especially when she has no relationship with your children anymore.
then bring up SIL and explain you feel her passing on information is a violation of your childs privacy & unprofessional and you want it investigating.

I think you AND YOUR HUSBAND should go and see the head. Then it will be taken more seriously as it is his mother and you can't be portrayed as the cow of a DIL. Explain what you've said here, stress the effect on the kids and say you're considering having to remove your children from the school. Being a petty person, I'd also tell the other parents that your SIL is also orchestrating extra tickets for her family as that will cause complaints from all the other parents as it is unfair and provoke some trouble!!

The point is surely that OP's MIL can find out about concerts from the website, but she has no means of knowing that her grandchildren are in them unless someone tells her. So unless she is turning up to every concert whether her grandchildren are in them or not, something dodgy is going on.

She shouldn’t be turning up, full stop. It’s a school. She doesn’t have parental responsibility and I’m sure the parents will have taken her off the trusted adult list

They live in the same house. Presumably FIL hears the conversations. How else do you suggest OP's MIL finds out that the children are off school?

Nonsense. You're just being nosy.

Then maybe best thing to do is have honest and grown up talks with all concerned? You might never create a perfect harmonious family but at least a cordial one in which the kids see adults being adults?