AIBU to speak to the head about information being shared?

[Happyspring1]

Hello! Looking for advice on how to handle this.

so I am in a situation where an in law teaches my child (SIL) her mother (my MIL) went no contact with us last year over a lie that was said and lots of false accusations. She has not seen her grandchildren since last year (apart from the few times I am getting to) and the emotional stress and upset it has caused on us all has been alot to say the least. Trying to deal with tears from the kids and sending them to school to be taught by a woman who is part of the reason their grandmother went no contact has been very hard. The biggest concern I face now is that I am aware that information about my children is being passed on to their grandmother via the SIL (teacher) things I do not wish for her to know any more as she made the decision to taker herself out of our lives. She somehow manages to find out and get access to tickets to school concerts (i know full well that her daughter gets her these tickets) and turns up at the right time and place that she could only know if she is being directly told by someone. She knows if they have been off school or unwell so whenever kids see her “show up” it causes huge distress all over again. I plan to speak to the headteacher soon but wondering how much she can actually do about it? This woman is a hood teacher in that sons work is coming along great … its just i don’t want her passing information on about my children to anyone!

So you would still be in contact with her?
I just can’t think what she has done to be described as a a cruel cruel person who fil is disgusted with, yet remains married to?

Not any more no, after seeing her true colours and the lengths she would go to to ignore the truth and make her son and two innocent children and DIL feel this, to throw us into the trash over a ridiculous lie, no I would not still have contact now, she tried to do it before to us, the only difference this time is i didnt want to entertain her nonsense any longer

I'm curious how she's getting the tickets but I find it very hard to believe details for the performance's date and time aren't on the website somewhere, even if buried in a newsletter or whatever. Passing on information about a child being off sick is a huge GDPR breach. I'd speak to the head.

He is the old fashioned type so divorce is an embarrassment. They live separate lives under the same roof 🤷🏻‍♀️

I really didnt know there was such cruel people on this hearth either and could not grasp it untill she did this

Shes getting tickets from her daughter.

am assuming she’s lied to social services then about child abuse/drugs issues?

No

Well no, because it would be ridiculous.

Just email the school.

I mean mil and the sil could say this, yes they really would

This, or are you enjoying the drama of telling everyone of how awful she is?

But it is something they would say 😂 it is ridiculous yes but its well within what they would do

What about their father who you sayvhas access. Maybe his sister is telling him when his own children are ill, and he is telling his mother?

If it was me, I would move schools rather than keep my children in the situation, given you say they are distressed by it.

I know that it is SIL passing information on. This is not a help me speculate thread. DH also has no contact with his mother. I am not separated from my husband. She calls her mother to pass information on. FIL has told us this happens.

This. (@YerMotherWasAHamster did your father smell of elderberries?)
@Happyspring1 if you honestly believe your dc are at such risk from her, you need to remove them from the school and cut contact with the man she lives with.

With respect, you don't KNOW anything. Firstly ypur Fil and mil are estranged so how does he know who is calling his wife a d the content of their conversations? Also if MIL has gone NC with you, what makes you think she knows if your kids ate off sick?

And with respect to you, i do know. Good lord they live under the same roof. I have said in about 2 posts now FIL TELLS us. “i heard DS was off with a headache today” “oh how do you know?” “SIL rang earlier and told her mother” oh great

I think i would prefer to broach the subject with the school first to see what can be done and if things improve first.

Please try and avoid dragging the school into your family dramas

Im not dragging the school into family drama. My children are having their privacy completely destroyed

You are creating the drama! If you didn’t want the drama you’d move them or not react, am presuming your SIL their teacher or is it a tiny school? How else does she know every minutiae? Are you hoping the fallout is professional admonishment for SIL?

But it is a family issue? It’s sort of secondary that your SIL has contact through school. You haven’t said you are NC with SIL so presumably even if she were not their teacher she would be sharing information. As their teacher, she has perhaps more access to information.

From what you have said so far it does not sound as though you have had a direct conversation with SIL. That should be your first point of call, as a family matter, before bothering the head.

I do think it would be reasonable to contact the school and ask your MIL not be issued any tickets. This is a common and straightforward safeguarding procedure. Simply inform SIL once the school agrees.

All that said, I’d probably move them if the family schism is so great. How does DC feel about being in SIL’s class?

If there's no evidence specific personal information is being passed on there's very little school can do. Most schools publicise events like plays on their Facebook page or website to promote the school. Even if you took your children to a different school the grandmother could find out about these events and attend presumably. It wouldn't hurt to explain the situation to the head but it might not stop it.

I'm very curious as to why a teacher would have any tickets allocated at all?

Our school are pretty strict about ticket allocations. Never in my decade + / 3 DC have I heard of a teacher or TA bringing a guest to watch thier class play?

Yes raise it with the headteacher.

I'm not sure how you manage to have any kind of parent / teacher relationship with the dynamics you outline. And why are you only NC with your MIL if SIL is clearly to "blame" too?