AIBU to ask my mum to stop WhatsApping baby photos?

[embroideredpanda]

My mother has been sending photos of my baby to distant family friends via WhatsApp. I’m uncomfortable with this as when baby was born I asked my parents not to share her on social media, including WhatsApp.

When I said to my mum that I didn’t like this she brushed me off and said she was just trying to cheer the person up.

This ticked me off as if my baby’s purpose to cheer people up or trumps her right to privacy.

AIBU? If you agree with me what would you say to my mum? My dad’s probably at it too.

You don't understand why OP might have doubts about her mothers judgement on what is appropriate or who is a safe person, knowing that the same woman allowed OP to be a victim of CSA all through childhood and did nothing protect OP. Yeah, it's a mystery.

For everyone going "oh, she's only sharing photos of the baby with auntie Doris and uncle Dave" who do you think was likely abusing OP but someone close to her family.

OP, like you I was abused throughout childhood, the reality of what was allowed to be done to me only really sank in when I was an adult and friends starting having their own kids, suddenly I was faced with the reality of just how small and vulnerable I was as a child, while the adults that should have protected me dithered about and didn't like to say as it might upset my abuser to be accused. I hope you have healing and support.

But the messages and images are not available to the public or server.

In your circumstances OP I'd cease all contact with your mother now. I finally have and wish I just did it when DC were first born. I suspect its going to end that way anyway.

It sounds to me as if you’re just trying to get your own back on your mother.

I just googled. Over 6.9 billion photos are shared on WhatsApp every day.

Quite apart from them being encrypted, the chances of anyone picking your baby's photo to manipulate are vanishingly, vanishingly tiny. So you can put that element out of your mind, really.

OP's SA issues make her situation somewhat more complex, but since OP is still in contact with her, I'm assuming that the perpetrator isn't on her mum's contract list for photos, it she'd have mentioned it in her drip feed.

But for the vast majority of people, sending photos to friends and family on an encrypted platform, is normal and about building connections and cementing family and social bonds. Parents and grandparents have shared baby s photos since photography existed. It's healthy, and ultimately in the child's interests to have people around who feel connected to them. .

I;m sorry to hear that

Why do you have anything to do with them?

Have you had counselling?

I mean it's totally understandable that you feel let down and want to set boundaries with your mum in this case and it's a bit of a drip feed OP. Of course you can set any boundaries you see fit but I think though that if your priority is safeguarding your child rather than punishing your mum then there's other more important boundaries to set. Sending a couple of baby photos to random relatives who will probably just put a love heart next to it without really even looking at it properly is highly unlikely to be of any consequence to any of you. However in your position I'd find it hard to trust mum to babysit alone, for example, as she's proved that she doesn't make good judgements about safeguarding. The ultimate question is do you want mum to have a relationship with your baby? If so concentrate on facilitating supervised access and forget what she does with a couple of photos. If you don't really want her to get close to baby then I guess just stop sending images and she'll probably give up trying in the end anyway. Either response is honestly a valid one given what you've been through.

I saw your follow up and can see why you are concerned - to be honest I think your worry is about your mother having access to your child after your history, the pictures aren't really the point. So given that history I'd think a lot about what future you see for your child and your mother - as obviously your mother will have her own photos she will share as she likes, and she won't respect your boundaries with it (I have very few boundaries about sharing my children online, but that's not the point. I have a lot of boundaries around appropriate screen time and I'd expect anyone in our families to respect them - everyone gets to make boundaries for their own kids)

Well that completely changes things. You are most definately NOT bu. X

I get you OP. Your parents stood by and knew you were being SA so their judgment is severely lacking in who they allow access to your photos. I am actually amazed you are still in contact with your parents.

Your baby your rules. Regardless if people think you are being (understandably) controlling or anxious, if they cannot accept your rules (and in their position they should be doing everything possible to atone for their shitty parenting) then don't let them have or take any more photos. And never leave them alone with your child.

@Dontbeme - thank you for your post. I wanted to say something similar but couldn't find the empathy and understanding that you showed. I'm so sorry about what happened to you and OP. When I was reading all the "don't be ridiculous" replies I was thinking exactly this - it's completely understandable that OP would set strong boundaries for her child, given her previous family experience. And if her mother doesn't like it, that's tough with a capital T.

@ Liveafr
You completely miss my point. Of course DGMs and their GM friends are very interested in their own and their friends’ baby pics - and grandchildren pics generally: don’t have to be babies. They will share them with their siblings and grandmother friends - but not beyond that. No danger of anyone on WhatsApp sending pics to everyone they know. If it brings a little joy to Great Aunt Elizabeth’s day, where’s the harm? WhatsApp is encrypted - bad people can’t gain access to disseminate pictures far and wide.

Same here. I’d be upset if I couldn’t send pictures of our little granddaughter to our closest family & friends.

So long as your mother isn’t posting all over Twitter and Facebook, I am having trouble understanding your feelings. Unless you just want to punish your mother for the past in some way.

Can't be done with anyone thinking they are 'entitled' to access to your baby, on any level. I would hate this too. Not because I'd be worried about the pictures falling into wrong 'uns inboxes, but because your mother failed you, in the worst possible way, as a child, and she doesn't get bragging rights now. She hasn't earned them. She can't be trusted with children, her moral compass is fucked, and she doesn't get to parade your baby around like a trophy now. Doting grandma my arse.

I am so sorry that she let you down so badly.

I would just stop sending her photos of your child. I wouldn't even say anything to her - it's not worth it, she doesn't listen. She didn't respect your boundary not to be abused as a child so she's damn well not going to respect this one.

Interesting interpretation. My interpretation of your post is that you yourself have probably massively failed someone and view their life choices as a way to get back as you, rather than having any understanding or empathy for the impact on them. I suspect you're one of these who think they're the center of the universe.

@embroideredpanda you are not unreasonable. Show her this.

it "may" have the desired effect?

It is certainly something that people should give serious thought to.

I had voted YABU until I saw your update.

Tbh reading that, they’re lucky you have contact with them at all. I don’t think you can have a relationship of trust with them in those circumstances- are they not eaten up with guilt about it? I don’t know if I could live myself in their place.

Generally speaking, I would say it’s fine (WhatsApp is quite secure as I understand it) but in your shoes I probably just wouldn’t allow them access to photos at all.

You're making stuff up to suit the level of control you want.
If whatsapped photos have a chance of landing "in the hands of Meta" then what do you think you're doing by sending them to your mum in the first place?
You are at best being hypocritical, and at worst you are creating, by your own cod technological understanding, a safeguarding risk quite purposefully yourself.
I should add, the "at worst" scenario is probably not true and bollocks, because your supposed reason is bollocks.

Stop sending pictures to your mum in the first place in that case.

When my daughter had her children she asked me not to share their pictures on social media.
So i didn't
Your mother is being massively unreasonable.

For grandma - she obviously gets some joy out of it, and providing it’s pictures OP has sent herself to her mum and therefore vetted, and they’re being sent to a family member on WhatsApp, the risk of harm is relatively low.

Also. Regardless of the fact your mother stood by for 8 years suspecting you were being sexually assaulted and did nothing... You offered an alternative way of sharing photos with her and wider family that is more secure. Having privacy concerns is not unreasonable regardless of your specific history meaning that you will be more sensitive to child abuse. We should all be more sensitive to child abuse. Your mother refused this. You asked her not to share photos on WhatsApp. She ignored you.

You are very much not being unreasonable. I'll say again - no one is entitled to access to your child. Even grandmas that would be gutted if they couldn't share photos around. It isn't their child, and your 2nd cousin thrice removed will live if they don't get to cast their eyes upon your baby. She is not a quantum particle. She exists without being observed.

I also hadn’t seen OP’s update when I posted, which changes the balance of risk. In those circumstances then I can absolutely see why she might not run that risk!

I agree with @Farewelltothatid, @embroideredpanda - this is your decision, and your mum should respect it.

When I became a granny, I was very careful to follow my son and DIL's wishes - not just on photos but on announcements, feeding, behaviour etc etc. They are doing things differently to the way I did them, but even if I disagreed with what they were doing, it is their decision to make, not mine.

If she can't respect your wishes re. photos and social media, she won't get photos in the future.

My mum kept doing it before I went no contact for a multitude of reasons.

It’s not just a breach of trust it’s a breach of boundaries. She was sending pictures of my seriously ill newborn on life support to people I hadn’t spoken to in years. In the end I stopped sending any pictures into our family group chat and just directly to people I wanted to share with.

OP is a survivor of CSA from the age of 5 to 13 and her mum, who suspected that something was wrong, did nothing at all to protect her daughter. No wonder she wants to control who sees images of her own child and no wonder she doesn't trust her own mother who is lucky to still have a relationshipn with OP and her grandchild.