AIBU to ask my mum to stop WhatsApping baby photos?

[embroideredpanda]

My mother has been sending photos of my baby to distant family friends via WhatsApp. I’m uncomfortable with this as when baby was born I asked my parents not to share her on social media, including WhatsApp.

When I said to my mum that I didn’t like this she brushed me off and said she was just trying to cheer the person up.

This ticked me off as if my baby’s purpose to cheer people up or trumps her right to privacy.

AIBU? If you agree with me what would you say to my mum? My dad’s probably at it too.

I used to work on child protection related cases, specifically involving CSA. I completely understand where you’re coming from regarding awareness of risk - but, if you analyse the risk factors here, the biggest risk would be photos openly shared on social media (which you avoid). The risk of photos being compromised from WhatsApp are very low, and would require the person on the other end to be using them for nefarious purposes, which is also unlikely in the circumstances (but because it’s something you deal with everyday you’re probably dealing with heightened awareness).

Weigh it up - is more harm going to come from your child having the occasional baby photo sent via WhatsApp to a relative, or from having a poor relationship with their family (because, rightly or wrongly, speaking from similar experiences with friends, it always has a knock on affect).

So sorry to hear this happened to you and I can understand why you are incredibly protective of your baby especially with your mum who betrayed you on a massive scale, that trust is gone and likely never to return.

I think this context may have been better explained earlier in the thread because it highlights why you have set the boundaries that you have, especially with your mum, posters responses to you would have bene very different if they knew the background and you would have prevented unnecessary distress form their take on things.

Becoming a grand parent is one of those big life stages. Part of it is showing people pictures of the new born. She is most likely doing it from a place of look at me I have joined the club.having received photos from the random distant. In days past there would have been a well thumbed baby picture in her purse and relatives would have turned up on your doorstep to see the baby in person. You would have been expected to go to the grandparents homes so they could have an open house so their friends and your distants could admire the baby and your parents new status as a grandparent.

Sharing on What's App is the modern form of these social norms. It is encrypted end to end and it is easier to crack into your Google account where they are stored than to use any images for AI image doctoring that may occur between what's app accounts.

I text photos to my friends, that’s probably riskier than using an encrypted platform like WhatsApp. Do you not worry about the security aspect when you send them to your mum @embroideredpanda? Or is it just insecure when she sends them on the same platform? What’s the difference?

I thought you were absolutely batshit until I saw your update. After that I think she’s lucky to even still be in your life (and therefore her grandchild’s) and should do absolutely anything she can to keep herself in your lives, even if it means following rules she doesn’t agree with.

Can you explain the benefit from sending baby's pictures? Is it a benefit for op, for the baby of for grandma?

Ok this changes my original view, your mum clearly failed you, but you are an adult now so she can respect your rules. I would not be sending her any more pictures. She is hardly in a position to judge what is and isn't OK. FWIW I bet people just delete them, the pics maybe your mum's pride and joy but they probably just take up memory space in a random person's phone.

I suppose the app you’re happy with won’t work for the recipient, WhatsApp is universal and also encrypted.

I think you need to consider the actual risk. She sounds like she’s sending them to trusted friends and family. Your baby could easily be captured in some random person’s photos at any time, you can’t control pictures you don’t know are being taken. What about wedding photos where people (shock horror) have been allowed to bring their children? What about CCTV when you go shopping as a family?

I share your concern generally but I’ve come to accept we no longer live in a world where you can expect privacy. If you don’t want your baby photos circulated, don’t share them. It seems a bit mean though.

What do you think your great aunts WhatsApp contacts would do with a photo accidentally set as profile of a random baby by what I can only assume is an old lady?

is your great aunt involved in sex trafficking of children? Or do you think there’s a group of people looking on WhatsApp - for photos of babies (which is of course, the only place they might come across the rare phenomena of ‘a snapshot of a baby’)
they are then going to cast Take a break magazine to begin to digitally manipulate it to do what?

Some people are actually bonkers. Bonkers.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP.

She may be just an unidentifiable baby right now, but at what cutoff age does her right to privacy kick in? And if Granny is sharing photos now, how can she be stopped when that age is reached? And if Granny is simply ignoring your boundaries, what other boundaries will she just ignore?

Despite her age my great aunt has a very active social life. She travels and volunteers and has WhatsApp groups related to those hobbies. I have no idea who is on her WhatsApp contacts. It could just be her old ladies friends. It could be Tom who also volunteers at the same charity. I don't know and I'm not comfortable with people I don't know having pictures of my kids on their phone. We could argue on and on about theoretical risk but I'm uncomfortable with that and stand by that.

I personally wouldn’t mind if Great Aunt Mabel was receiving pics of my baby over WhatsApp HOWEVER I am on your side OP. I think this is all principal based. You told your mum not too, a she’s doing it anyway. That would piss me off. If she’s disrespecting your boundary with this, what other boundaries will she cross? I’d tell her what you’ve told us. Cheering this person up doesn’t trump your babies right to privacy. And then stop sending her photos.

Your baby, Your choice, I fully understand your decision and had the same issues when I had my first child. If someone wanted to come and visit and see the baby all good / if you don’t want to come and visit, all good but that doesn’t mean you get to have pictures of MY child . All the shitty commenters saying you’re over the top need to get back in their lane! Honestly since when is it acceptable to ignore when someone asks you Not to do something, and to place someone else’s wants about your own.No means no end of. No need for justification and explanations. Some people are incredibly private and people need to respect that.

So she knew about SA to you and you still allow her to have contact with your child? You still send her photos even though she enabled your abuse? You need to have a good look at yourself too. Why are you allowing all these people who condone abuse of your child access to your child? And in the same way what good is the training you do if you are not applying it to your life? Pictures are the very last thing someone will get if they stood by and allowed someone to abuse me.

You've asked repeatedly, they're not listening.
Don't allow them to take any photos.
But, if I was in your position and my mum allowed me to be SA"d I would have nothing to do with her.

The baby being integrated into a wider network is beneficial for the baby. My international relatives definitely feel attachment to my children who they've met less than a handful of times through their contact with them on SM and the like. My children feel the same. They know Aunty P through calls, facetime, SM photos and videos and our online contact. So when they met her in person, it wasnt like meeting a stranger.

Point out that most people are bored by pictures of other people's babies, and dislike her mindlessly showing off like that.

I don't think OP's mum will be providing childcare given the update!

@patooties i understand I feel like I use to feel like you. Until I researched how bad the internet or actually how easily it had become for sexual predators.

Take the fact that in the USA 1% of the population has accessed, created or downloaded child images in the past year.

The total population is the USA is 342.4 million. So 1% of that is over 3.42 million people in the last year alone in one country.

Images of children are being shared and used in odd ways that we can’t even image. I remember once seeing a documentary and there was a really innocent picture of a girl around 5/6 in a full swim costume (nothing sexual to me at all). You can imagine my horror when it was being shared edited and a lot of the comments where around “oh I would love to lick that bold xxx”

So why everyone says OP is being dramatic, so you know 100% and can swear on your life that great aunt Margo won’t accidentally share it with her husband or son or share it on her local Facebook group? That any of these images won’t end up in the dark web? Can you 100% promise that?

Yes it’s extreme but if you have followed any of the Epstein files can you not see how this is a major problem?

And for anyone saying when people visit the house and there’s a printed picture, that’s very different. You have completely control of that picture, people may see it but can’t be downloaded, edited or shared.

Oh she will if OP needs it.

Your baby, Your choice, I fully understand your decision and had the same issues when I had my first child. If someone wanted to come and visit and see the baby all good / if you don’t want to come and visit, all good but that doesn’t mean you get to have pictures of MY child

Good grief.

It really is about control, isn't it?

OPs 'D'M doesn't exactly understand boundaries and allowed her to be sexually abused. She wouldn't be getting a single photo from me.

Well in that case OP won't be protecting her own child! OPs mother enabled and ignored her being sexually abused.

I think the issue is that whereas hard copy photos were once displayed in GPs home or in a small carry about album and shared in person/directly and the images taken home, digital images can go anywhere and we no longer have control over where they end up, even if we chose to just share with family. You can send hard copies, but they can be scanned and shared too.

I think it is probably unreasonable not to allow GPs to share their pictures with elderly/distant relatives via whatsapp, as it’s encrypted. It’s different to sharing their images on SM platforms without their consent (which as a family we have never done either) because those remain in the ‘ether’ forever and if names/birthday info is shared along side them it breaches their privacy. In this case I would reach a compromise and insist that MiL only shares the pictures via an encrypted service like whatsapp and that she ensures anyone she shares them with does not screenshot and share onwards - perhaps MiL could use the view once option?

The child’s mother has requested that photos not be sent. That should be the end of it, whether people agree or disagree.