AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

Ok so im disagreeing with everyone on the dont talk to your daughter or mother point. I thknk when someone's out of control a family intervention is needed. Why should dh be the baddie here, the more her loved ones try to help (and yes, thats what it would be, gently obv) then the more someone takes note.

That's were I am on this. Half the posters on tbe thread think I don't GAF about DW health. So that's all the more reason that the message needs to come from her mum and her daughter rather than me.

The problem with daughter is that's a heck of a lot of responsibilty and worry to put on a teenager's head. (and TBH that's why I'm not gonna do it. But all that's doing is prioritising daughter over wife.)

Right, we have a definite pattern of OP avoiding the questions about cooking, shopping and chores now.

I think that tells us everything we need to know.

Have you actually say down and had a conversation? Telling that you're concerned for her health how your daughter is still young, how she seems to be in pain and maybe she shojld see a doctor or eating better and moving a bit more would be good for her. How you could start a hobby together etc. Start doing the shopping and cooking. Suggest trying pickelball for the first time or somthing else you've never tried so you're not better at it. Maybe a nice lunch at some footpath etc.

Do not involve other family members. Do not offer weightloss tips. Do not come at it from weightloss angle. Overweight people know they are overweight and people pointing it out makes it worse. Unsolicited tips are never useful, unless they genuinely have come up with something new. Which you probably haven't. Do not discount weightloss meds. Yeah, people on the injections are likely to gain the weight back around the same percentage as the people who have lost weight without the injections. But it might be a big motivator to actually see results. There is nothing more depressing than giving 110% and gaining weight.

I’ve been a single mum with 3 kids and I still tried to eat healthy and exercise so my children had a fit and healthy mum

The only thing you can do to help is join in healthy eating. So make sure when you cook its healthy, and don't buy lots of snacks and leave them around. If she’s going to weightwatchers she is already aware and trying.

OP's vision for how he wants to age and the things he wants to do now and in retirement with his wife are valid.
If he says something like I want us to be able to travel, cycle, hike etc and you need to be fit and healthy to do this, so you need to take some control and I'll help you it might be okay.
I don't think I could be with someone who had let themselves go so badly and got offended if I suggested they do something about it.
We're not talking about a medical condition that the wife can't help. There are lots of ways to lose weight, it's not just about food intake, either. There may be issues, ie trauma, the wife needs to address, but regardless, OP has recognized he needed to do something about his health and he did. The marriage may be doomed if the wife doesn't decide to make changes.

I have an obese, unhealthy husband. I wasn’t in nearly as bad a state as him but I sorted myself out about 4 years ago, partly in the hope it might inspire him - it didn’t. He doesn’t want to hear about it, knows he’s fat but isn’t bothered enough about it to deal with it. Don’t waste your energy, just look after your own health.

Having experienced both myself, I can assure you that doing all the housework and life admin as a single mum is way less work than doing it with children AND another adult in the home who contributes to the workload but doesn't do their share of it.

Have you actually say down and had a conversation? Telling that you're concerned for her health how your daughter is still young, how she seems to be in pain and maybe she shojld see a doctor or eating better and moving a bit more would be good for her.

Yes, as I've explained I tried that twice (Perhaps reasonably) was deeply unwelcome and I thought it best never to do it again. It's pretty clear than the large majority of mumsnetters think I shouldn't try that again.

How do you feel about him? Do you love and respect him and find him attractive? Has your relationship changed at all? Does he act any differently to you now that you have changed?

I understand it perfectly that’s why I lost 9 stone and got healthy . It doesn’t really matter what you eat.. the drug will make your portions tiny ! No one needs to change their lifestyle.. it’s not a drug that deals with your neurological functions ffs .. it deals with your blood sugar and hunger hormone. Not some kind of boo doo spell !

I hope your wife will find a good way forward.

I do think it is wise that you are aware of the issues.

I would say weight loss drugs are a good investment.

I’ve done both but it still didn’t cause me to be obese, that’s her responsibility

Can you shop, and you cook healthy meals.

My suggestion would be to say to her you’re worried she’s heading for a premature death and you really don’t want to lose her. That’s what my friend’s wife said to him about his drinking, and he did reduce it. It might be a bit near the knuckle though. YANBU.

I had no idea about weight loss drugs. To be honest they sound worth a punt but I don't think it will go down well as a suggestion from me. It's the sort of thing I'd hope a doctor or WW might mention.

My DH lost 10kg without being told he was going on a diet - I just changed our menus. Maybe take over the family catering?

How much overweight is she? Does she need to lose 3 stones like you did or is it more ?

No you shouldn't do that again. You are looking at this from completely the wrong angle. You cannot change someone else. You can only change yourself.

Stop trying to change her. She doesn't need you to tell her anything, she knows it already. She has made her choice.

You need to focus on yourself and what changes you can make to yourself to be happier in your life.

Are you going to take on the responsibility of online shop order, menu planning and shared cooking and clean up for the whole family?

Because it's fucking ridiculous. If the topic of healthy eating is verboten to discuss then I can hardly take over the bloody shopping and cooking and cut out all the unhealthy stuff.

Yes, clearly if I took totally control of what DW eats at home that would help her (and would really help me because I wouldn't be tormented by crisps and chocolate in the house.) How do you think that would go down?

The instructions in the box literally tell you to change your lifestyle:
Mounjaro is also used together with reduced-calorie diet and increased physical activity for weight loss and to help keep the weight under control in adults

If you chose to ignore that, good for you but it's irresponsible of you to tell others to do so.

I might have missed a message cause what I did read didn't clearly come across that you've had genuine conversation about health and future. I did notice mentioning it, but to me mentioning and conversation are different things. If you have come at it from health and her future with kids and grandkids, offered to take over cooking and shopping, asked about her mental health, suggested doctor and therapy. Then that is all you can do. She knows what she should do. No need to bring it up anymore.just be there in case she wants to have a change but don't give up on her. Keep asking if she wants to go to the cool waling path or try badminton or come for a swim but accept her answer

So aggressive.

I have no idea what her BMI is, and I'm not sure it really matters. She's suffering pain in her hips, knees and back and it's very obvious there is significant load on her joints that doesn't need to be there.