AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

So what are you going to do?

Or is this just another thread where you want someone else to change their behaviour but you are not prepared to change yours?

Can you do the shopping and cooking? It’s the simple answer. Do some batch cooking for everyone. Fill the fridge / freezer so it’s healthy, and easy to grab/eat. Don’t buy the crap but buy loads of fruit / yoghurt etc for snacking.

having now read through the thread. I think you need to bite the bullet and tell us exactly how overweight your wife is.

I’m starting to get the impression its not like she is 30stone and barely able to move just that you are irritated that she has5 lost 3 stone like you did.

joint pain can be menopause symptom or more serious. If she was realy that overweight she would likely aleady have the type 2 diabetes.

Gosh, I don’t know. I was thinking about this. There was a time when I was at the top end of what is my “healthy range” and I did have hip pain and a bad back. I ended up needing MRI for it but the only thing that actually took the pain away was losing weight (for my hip) weight training and working on my posture for my back (was sitting way way too much). So, I do think it’s possible that I’d have a lot of issues with my knees and hips and wouldn’t be very mobile.

Small portions = calorie controlled. You don't lose weight unless you are in calorie deficit.

Don't shout at me because you don't understand that.

Yes, I said this prior to OP. My husband is incredible. He works very hard, is very successful and still wants to spend all his free time with me and our children. He does the dishes every morning and evening, takes the kids for full days out on the weekends so I can have a break (yesterday he took the kids all day and I napped, went the garden center and read a book and then he planned a date night for us and arranged a babysitter for our children).

AND, my husband also has the kids with him while he works out as I do. He’ll take them on runs in the jogging stroller or have them ride their bikes while he runs alongside. He brings them into our garage which we have turned into a gym and sets up toys for them or the water table. He cooks every breakfast and occasionally dinner (lately all the dinners as I’ve been too sick with the first trimester to be around food).

And yes I do everything else around the house and all the life admin and doctor visits, etc and I’m home with at least one child all day long during the week but when I told him that the laundry was overhelming me he offered to help (we ended up hiring someone to come for two hours per week to fold, iron and put away).

I say all of this because marriage is meant to be a partnership and when children are involved everyone needs to do their share.

OP, if you aren’t doing the above for your wife then you shouldn’t be complaining about her not working out. Make her life easier and happier and allow her the space to make healthy choices.

Personally, I would say make her happy, go out more, do more around the house, cook for her once a week (something enjoyable to eat), compliment her, show you love her in a million different ways.

Then when she feels her happiest, most fulfilled and confident she might look to lose weight. Or she might not, but psychologically it will feel more possible the better she feels about herself. Factor in the potential for comfort eating and the gains in your relationship and what's to lose?

She’s aware she’s obese I’m sure. So talking about it will just feel like you’re putting pressure on her.

And it’s her choice to live this way or get healthy.
But - you need to live your life in a way that appeals to you. Do you really want to be with someone so unhealthy they almost need a scooter to get around. It is far from attractive. In fact it’s pretty depressing. I’d cut myself loose from a sinking ship, personally.

Yeah, same.

I've only mentioned this twice and the last time was over two years ago. I don't think DW will be thinking I've gone over the top on this issue. The fact that I had my light bulb moment 10 years ago will not by at the for front of her mind or mine - it's just how I live now.

If she thinks anyone is mentioning it too often it will be her Mum not me. Surprisingly her family don't want her to ruin her life either.

It's not everyone's experience though, is it?

OP is, IMO, coming at this from a position of feeling superior because he successfully lost weight.

He doesn't seem to have much empathy and his words are dripping with judgment.

If I caught my man on here mouthing off about mobility scooters he'd be packing his bags.

OP, I believe that you just want your wife to be healthy because you love her and want her to be around for as long as possible (and not miserable with ill health, if it's avoidable). Unfortunately, you and her mother have both spoken to her about it, and she's shown she's not ready to listen. I wouldn't ask your daughter to say anything, though she may eventually do so of her own volition.

As for what to do next, I don't honestly know. You could try telling her again that you're worried about the future and don't want to lose her, along with suggesting that WLI might be an option, but she has to want to make the changes herself. You could try to take over some of the shopping and cooking to encourage healthier eating... Possibly encourage activities you could do together that would slowly get her moving more... But I doubt any of that will go over well if she's not interested in changing her lifestyle. Ultimately, you can only control your own behaviour and choices.

@HelpMeHelpMyWife , my husband used to go on about my weight all the time but then he’d gone on about my not wearing enough make up and not wearing the ‘right’ clothes too all on top of telling me I was frigid because I wasn’t orgasming when he had sex with me with zero foreplay. For detail he also forbade me to attempt to give myself any pleasure during sex.
The thing is when he told me I needed to lose weight it just seemed to me to be another demand to satisfy his ‘needs’.
Perhaps your wife doesn’t believe that you really give a shit about her wellbeing, could that be true? If it is it’s going to take some honesty from you to acknowledge it and a whole lot of work on your relationship before she listens to your concerns without believing it’s all about what’s best for you.
If you are actually a really decent, loving and mature husband then how about talking to her about your hopes for retirement, where you’d like to go or what you’d like to do. Talk about how important remaining healthy is going to be so that you can do these things together then make a plan to become more healthy together, supporting each other, focus on health not weight; that is after all what you’ve said is your worry.

Why does she do all the shopping and cooking for the family?

I think there's an opportunity there to take a load off her while also introducing healthier habits for everyone.

Hello there
First, I haven't read all the posts, so this may duplicate what's been said already. Apologies if it does.
I am overweight - and to be honest I don't do too much about it. If my husband came to me and said he thought I was wrecking our future life I'd be very upset. But he just wouldn't do that. So please don't.
The fact your wife goes to weight watchers means she wants to change Nd has more impetus than me. But it also probably means it's not right for her.
It's a sad fact that men lose weight more easily than we do. So unfair!!! So it won't help you comparing what you've achieved and using it as a carrot. In fact, it would make me more resistant.
So, what could you do? Take over the food shopping, meal planning and cooking. If that's always been her domain she may be stuck in a rut of the same recipes and portion sizes and she may also be bored of the mundane day in day out need to think about food. Adding calorie counting on top of everyday food production is A LOT. You sound like someone who once they make their mind up to do something will do it well - so do this for her. Make it easy. Be her personal chef, as if she's an A list celebrity, after all that's how they did it (before injections). To do it well acquaint yourself with the Nutracheck app and use it for everything. I'm pretty sure if you remove the work, turn it into a treat, and start to see results she may pick up the baton.
The next thing would be to facilitate extra movement/exercise. My barrier to this is finding the time. My husband counters with "you have to make it a priority - if you wanted to do it, you would" but that's not how my brain works. I always put what everyone else wants ahead of what I want. I have no idea why. So much so I make myself cross, but I can't break the habit. If this could be true of your wife, then make it easy. You collect the kids, fill the washing machine, walk the dog or whatever so that she has a block of time dedicated to exercise. And if finance is her barrier - then maybe reassure her that it's affordable, if that is the case. Maybe the right personal trainer could help - again A list celeb stuff.
That would help me (and I have lost weight using Nutracheck, I just need to get back to it) but everyone's different. Hope it helps and you have a wonderful future

I’m kind of suggesting here you help her by joining her journey instead of telling her you have done yours.

Thst would be the dream solution. If she saw me with a sausage roll in my hand she takes it off me and we walk past a cafe we both help the other resist the Latte. Both of use doing the will power for each other.

But no. If that was on the cards I wouldn't have started this thread.

I think a lot of people live with bodies that aren’t working to their full capacity because of their health choices but are use to their body not feeling amazing all the time. A family member has spent the past 2 years losing 60 lbs and are now weight training. They told me today that they just hadn’t realised how horrible they actual felt before, they were use to little aches and pains or having limited energy. They said “I haven’t felt this good since I was 20 years old” and they are close to 70 now.

So yes, a lot of people won’t be in mobility scooters but they certainly won’t be feeling tip top.

Is it though? Would you say the same if she was a heavy smoker or drinker. It’s worse parenting self harming yourself and causing stress down the line for your husband and children

You wouldn't have the sausage roll in your hands in the first place...

As a start... Are you going to do the shopping (do an online order) and menu plan plus share the cooking and clean up for for the whole family or not? Are you going to offer to suggest you both signing up to the gym and offer to take on some of her share of shared chores to make sure she has time to go and not worry about cooking/clean up when she gets home?

Are you going to do these things?

What a silly thing to say, he’s worried about his wife’s health. People are at higher risk of strokes and heart attacks being obese, that would worry me too

Hes so worried about her health that he expects her to do all the grunt work and find time to excersise on top of that.

Don't get me wrong, I've been there.

OF COURSE life is easier when we are healthy and not carrying excess weight.

But the way OP talks about his wife is like she's destined to be a 400 pound shut in.

It's not reading as kind or helpful.

It's reading as hyperbolic and judgmental.

To me, anyway.

Well?? @HelpMeHelpMyWife

@HelpMeHelpMyWife You do need to be honest about what you do at home and with the children vs. Your wife. How much free time do you give her? We can’t provide help if you aren’t honest. And it’s okay to say you don’t do much at home but just know that you’ll have to change that.

It’s hard to say since OP is scant on details. Hard to provide answers to his questions if we don’t know her current weight and what he’s doing in the home to give her the space and time to care for herself.