AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

OP, you can absolutely say you want to cook 3-4 nights/7, that you'd like to do a joint online food order so you can plan for your 3/4 nights of cooking, and whatever, you're going to do the lion's share of post cooking clean up.

WW won't tell her about drugs, because that's not their thing.

To get weight loss drugs on the NHS you need to fulfill certain criteria. you can also pay for them.

Do you and your wife have a good relationship aside from this issue?

Please do not involve your daughter in this, it is not a good idea.

Overeating is a serious issue (one I suffer from!) there are various options aside from drugs. Some people go for Overeaters Anonymous. I did not find it helpful.

If your wife is not willing to face the issue, I am not sure what else you can do. It's likely that overeating does have some issues rooted in experiences/mental health etc. mine was first caused by OCD.

At least you are admitting you have no intention of trying to make your wife's workload any lighter. Just complain.

Good idea! @HelpMeHelpMyWife Why can’t you cook some of the dinners?

I don't disagree with what you have written, if my husband was overweight I'd absolutely tell him to do something about it, and I'd expect him to do the same to me if I was too. You aren't wrong to tell her, I guess the best thing you can do is be supportive, cook healthy meals (my husband does the food shopping and all cooking, we eat very healthy as a result), go out for evening walks together now the evenings are lighter, I guess change your lifestyle together in a way (I realise you probably already have having already lost weight). I guess going more from a supportive angle rather than saying you are fat and heading to an early grave via a mobility scooter! I'd leave your daughter out of it though, it isn't her problem to help solve. I guess the biggest step to losing weight is actually wanting to do it and having the drive/willpower to stick to overhauling bad habits built over many years. Also it isn't easy to lose weight at 51, there's a lot going on around then with menopause, if it was easy no one would be overweight in the first place besides.

go out for evening walks together now the evenings are lighter, I guess change your lifestyle together in a way (I realise you probably already have having already lost weight).

The one practical thing that can't cause offense is suggesting walks now it's light. Can't snack when you're walking. Not really sure why I haven't before. (I keep meaning to thank all the other people who suggested it but other points come up.)

Changing lifestyle together would be perfect because I could certainly do with gettimg fitter and taking more weight off my increasing knackered knees, but as discussed that has hitherto been a non starter.

If this actually true and not made up I think the best way for your wife to lose unwanted weight would be an appointment with a divorce solicitor.
I’m sure it would really help her longterm health and happiness.

@HelpMeHelpMyWife it’s very worrying for you all that her weight is causing her mobility issues at such a young age (yes 51 is still young).

Why has the doctor not offered the jabs? This stops the hunger noises and reduces the need to eat so much. Suggest she asks to try these.

I’m not overweight but I do eat a lot of ‘junk’ if it’s in the house. I just have no willpower. Remove all junk food from the house!

I had a morbidly obese mother, and I think I pandered to her too much that the weight wasn’t an issue (never discussed). Looking back, I should have made her do a great deal more for herself to remain more active. Even getting up to get her own cup of tea, making her own lunch etc… she would probably have consumed a lot less if she had to get it herself! Her bones were really affected by the weight, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Weight watchers should be working with she’s following it correctly unless there’s an underlying medical issue. She could speak to the doctor about this.

There’s still time to get this sorted and you’re right to try now, as in 10 years time she may be unable to walk at all.

Best of luck!

Yep, his attitude stinks

Your wife is attending WW so thats a start that she knows there's an issue. If you can't take over shopping or cooking can you request a no junk food rule in the house to help YOU resist overeating? I can't have chocolate, crisps or biscuits in my house because I will mindlessly graze on an evening in front of the telly.

Also agree on the invites for a walk.

However please don't do what a PP said and stage a family intervention using your daughter. Please don't involve your daughter at all. Xx

Also don't keep banging on about her weight, just make changes in the spirit of your own weight loss journey without it being seperate from hers. I'm sure you can take over cooking a couple of nights a week or maybe set up online shopping so you can have some control?

Double standerds again on MN.

I’m sure this is what wi happen eventually. His wife will realise the kind of man she is married to.

What? That he wants his wife to be healthy? Are you for real?

'handicapped'?!

This. She could shed 12 stone just by signing a piece of paper.

Seriously? And who would care for her then? As that is what is going to happen, he’s going to be her carer.

I don't care what this bloke thinks.

Oh, just wanted to put the boot in then, I get it. 🙄

If you read what he has actually said and the questions that he refuses to answer then it is clear that he doesn’t care about actually treating his wife well enough to help her lose weight.

I think it’s lovely that you want to support your partner, sharing the struggle, healthy eating, exercise, motivation and success is a huge positive.

I’m on a weight loss journey myself, I was morbidly obese and have lost a lot. I think there is so much more to it in terms of emotions and behaviours than just calorie counting and exercise. I found out about a you tube channel for Dr Emma Anders on here and I enjoy her videos a lot. She now runs a clinic for weight issues - perhaps looking at the videos and seeing if your wife enjoys her approach might lead to an appointment for better care. I have been as I’m not UK based. I needed to lose weight for 20 years - it was only two years ago that I put my focus on it and I’m so hopeful with all my lifestyle changes that I can keep my weight at this level.

Good luck to you both, I’ve found life in a smaller body easier and more enjoyable.

I don't really see that?

I know how she can shift quite a lot of weight in an hour or so...

Yep, I'll be reported and deleted now.

What does that even mean?

Does your wife often need to climb fences?

The problem here OP is that you don’t want to tell us how much weight your wife needs to lose.

You’ve waved that question off as irrelevant but it is extremely relevant. How overweight she is dictates how easy it will be to lose and the best way to start.

Also, your wife is 51 - unless I’ve missed it I’ve not seen you reference the menopause yet? That back, hip, and knee pain your wife is suffering? It may well be partly her weight but there’s also a very good chance it’s hormonal.

Lots of us get aches and pains around the age of 50. We get tired, mentally and physically. It becomes MUCH harder to lose weight. Simple during and exercise often doesn’t work the way it used to - and that carries a lot of frustration. And shame.

Following the same habits as you might not be the magic formula for your wife. I’m not seeing you recognising that in your comments. We are not just small versions of men - our hormone profile and musculature is very different.

Of course that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try, but I think it would be helpful for you to understand it might be harder for her than it was for you. The fact she goes to WW suggests she’s trying to- I wonder if the fact you managed to shed the weight and she’s not been able to is a point of frustration/shame for her?

The conversation about mobility scooters seems a bit extreme. And your comments about not being trapped with someone who needs them don’t sound very loving tbh.

On a practical note, it may be that your wife needs to try a different approach. Keto was brilliant for me as it retrains the body to burn fat. Weight loss injections work for others. The problem is that this has become a sore point for your wife so it’s difficult to mention. I would wager that the slightly judgemental tone that comes through your posts is evident in real life, even if you think you’re hiding it.

I know you’ve mentioned about junk snacks in the house - is that the issue rather than bad meals? If meals are the problem can you start requesting a specific, healthy meal (as you say she’s the one who cooks)? Can you join the gym together? Weight bearing exercises will protect her bones. And I would try and raise the subject with her in a way that seems sympathetic, along the lines of “I know you’ve been going to WW but if you ever wanted to try the WLI to make the process easier, there’s plenty of room in our budget. I don’t want to see you having to work really hard if there’s an easier solution for you”.

Ultimately though she needs to want to lose the weight. And she’ll have a better chance of success if she doesn’t feel judged or shamed.